Surprising turn

[StartingHealing]

Hello to all the brave souls here.

It's been a while since I have posted on this forum and I'd like to do a few things.  1st to all the non's - there is light at the end of the tunnel.  In my case the legal crap was completed in 2023, late 2023.  Had been hard NC since June of 2022 when she got arrested for DV.  Started with a protective order ( which she pushed on hard ) then because of that I went forward with filing for dissolution.  At the time of filing I had been with her for 25 years. No shared children thank goodness. Remained NC throughout. 
 
As I reconnected with family, friends, hobbies, the pieces started coming back together.  Figured out what inside drew me to her to begin with and have taken steps to correct those.  Not dating yet still have some self work to get completed first.  But that is ok.  I don't need external input any more for my own contentment.  No lie, the quiet is nice.  No drama, no word salads to decipher, the peace is kind of addictive.  I'm not always "happy" but I'm content and at peace. 

Then a couple of days ago got a phone call.  a 3rd party called to inform me that the former spouse had passed.  Which was .. mixed reaction on my part.  I say mixed because the situation that they described was tragic.  In hospital for some sort of infection, night shift nurse found the body on the floor during rounds.  Something about some heart issue.  Unknown if any other human had visited her that day outside hospital staff.  She was exceptional at pushing people away when she split.  Family, friends, didn't matter.  At the same time though, I was feeling freedom at the same time.  Part of the legal crap was spousal support towards her.  Something that at any time she could have gone back to the courts to demand more.  No lie knowing that the spousal support is going to stop is great!  Knowing that the option she had to go back to the courts ( which in my opinion was a kangaroo court anyway ) to demand more $$ from me is gone?  I hadn't realized that was something I had been carrying as a undifined threat vector since mid 2023.   

Now the blood pressure should start going the right way. 

I don't know about others who have had similar situations.  What I do know is that I already grieved all the what ifs, the should have / could have beens and my side of the relationship.  My side was 100% real.  Her side?  Have no clue.  Am I indifferent?  yes.  she was someone that i used to think i used to know

[PeteWitsend]

...

I don't know about others who have had similar situations.  What I do know is that I already grieved all the what ifs, the should have / could have beens and my side of the relationship.  My side was 100% real.  Her side?  Have no clue.  Am I indifferent?  yes.  she was someone that i used to think i used to know

Thanks for sharing your story.  I think it's good to hear about happy endings here (although I suppose her ending was not happy) because a lot of posters struggling in relationships with pwBPD sometimes have trouble seeing - or even imagining - the light at the end of the tunnel.

My BPD-ex is still alive, and while I don't wish any particular harm on her, I feel similarly about having already grieved.  I think I went through all the stages while being married, and lived through so much agony because of her that divorce felt like a weight off my shoulders; I never looked back.

Interestingly enough (in an ominous way) I remember during our marriage BPDxw would occasionally mention - quite out of the blue - that she "knew" or "was worried" that she was going to die before me, and that made her upset.  She would demand that I promise I wouldn't have another relationship after she died because that would not be "fair"... It's funny, but it also really creeped me out.  I did NOT want to grow old with her, and have her in charge of whether to "pull the plug" on me or not. It also made me think long term about trying to care for my parents once they became elderly, and how difficult she would make that because of her callous disregard for others. 

[Pook075]

I hadn't talked to my BPD ex wife in over six months, maybe even a year.  And over time, I found that I resented her more and more for many of the things that happened over the years.  I wasn't perfect but I loved her and provided.  I did my best and we had a good life together raising two kids. I couldn't shake the bitterness that somehow came back.

Then yesterday, I get a call from our old local area code.  It was my ex with a new phone number, and I could tell she wasn't okay.  She had just hit a deer on the highway going 70+, her vehicle was totaled, and she had our grandson in the back seat.  She was trying to reach our daughter to come pick up the kid since it was cold out.

In that moment, my only concern was if she was okay, if our grandkid was okay.  The bitterness evaporated like it was never there to begin with.  And I was genuinely surprised how I reacted.  I do believe that time heals old wounds but I also think it can bring new ones (from old memories) in different chapters of our lives. 

That 90 second conversation changed my entire perspective though and I'm thankful for it.  Luckily everyone was okay as well.

[StartingHealing]

Thanks for sharing your story.  I think it's good to hear about happy endings here (although I suppose her ending was not happy) because a lot of posters struggling in relationships with pwBPD sometimes have trouble seeing - or even imagining - the light at the end of the tunnel.

My BPD-ex is still alive, and while I don't wish any particular harm on her, I feel similarly about having already grieved.  I think I went through all the stages while being married, and lived through so much agony because of her that divorce felt like a weight off my shoulders; I never looked back.

Interestingly enough (in an ominous way) I remember during our marriage BPDxw would occasionally mention - quite out of the blue - that she "knew" or "was worried" that she was going to die before me, and that made her upset.  She would demand that I promise I wouldn't have another relationship after she died because that would not be "fair"... It's funny, but it also really creeped me out.  I did NOT want to grow old with her, and have her in charge of whether to "pull the plug" on me or not. It also made me think long term about trying to care for my parents once they became elderly, and how difficult she would make that because of her callous disregard for others. 

Oh I understand totally about never looking back.  I remember those conversations.  "If you get married again, I'll come back to haunt you" and other word salad.  You know what I find really scary sometimes?  How BPD's all run off the same script, same behaviors.  It's nuts.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  What I have realized is that I'm a far far stronger person than I ever realized.  I also realized that my "spidey sense" is really hyper developed.  Haven't had cause for it to go off in private life, at work though, it's saved my bacon a lot.  Which does add to the light at the end of the tunnel you know?

[StartingHealing]

I hadn't talked to my BPD ex wife in over six months, maybe even a year.  And over time, I found that I resented her more and more for many of the things that happened over the years.  I wasn't perfect but I loved her and provided.  I did my best and we had a good life together raising two kids. I couldn't shake the bitterness that somehow came back.

Then yesterday, I get a call from our old local area code.  It was my ex with a new phone number, and I could tell she wasn't okay.  She had just hit a deer on the highway going 70+, her vehicle was totaled, and she had our grandson in the back seat.  She was trying to reach our daughter to come pick up the kid since it was cold out.

In that moment, my only concern was if she was okay, if our grandkid was okay.  The bitterness evaporated like it was never there to begin with.  And I was genuinely surprised how I reacted.  I do believe that time heals old wounds but I also think it can bring new ones (from old memories) in different chapters of our lives. 

That 90 second conversation changed my entire perspective though and I'm thankful for it.  Luckily everyone was okay as well.

Is a good thing that everyone was ok.  In my case, I couldn't keep any avenues open for any communication with her.  I developed my own methods of communication with the grown children that in case a method was leaked to her, I could shut that avenue down.  Fortunately, the kids had went ghost on her as well. 

[PeteWitsend]

...

In that moment, my only concern was if she was okay, if our grandkid was okay.  The bitterness evaporated like it was never there to begin with.  And I was genuinely surprised how I reacted.  I do believe that time heals old wounds but I also think it can bring new ones (from old memories) in different chapters of our lives. 

That 90 second conversation changed my entire perspective though and I'm thankful for it.  Luckily everyone was okay as well.

I think this is not surprising.  you're a decent, non-disordered person, and can put your personal feelings aside to respond to a crisis.  pwBPD can't do that. 

I remember when my daughter was around 1 1/2, BPDxw left her in the attic alone, apparently because she was "mad" at our daughter for not coming when she told her to.  At least that was her story. 

Our attic was finished and we used it as a guest bedroom, but it was NOT childproof, and there were any number of ways our daughter could have seriously injured herself.

In the event, she picked up a glass vase, and fell down the stairs with it, cutting herself badly.  She needed to be rushed to the hospital to close her wounds and get stitches... and she called our babysitter to help with that, since BPDxw was apparently in panic mode and couldn't function.

I heard the news from our babysitter while I was at work.

when I got home that day, I had to change D's bandages out, because BPDXW "couldn't handle seeing blood."  Her biggest concern was of course herself: she was upset that now people would think she was a bad mom.  I had to reassure her accidents happen, and our daughter would be okay.

But I wanted to say "YEA YOU ARE A BAD MOM, WTF WERE YOU THINKING?!?"