My wife will leave in two weeks, she said.

[SuperDaddy]

Over one year ago, as things became unbearable for me for the first time, I asked my wife to leave our home. Over time, I have asked it again many other times, unsuccessfully. But now it's working.

My mistake was that I only expressed myself during moments of conflict or shortly after but didn't say it anymore after our "repair moments." So she didn't take me seriously. But now I decided I would not allow us to do any reattachment until this conversation was final. And it worked. After many attempts, I got her to position herself. So we have made an agreement. She said that she will leave in two weeks.

The key moment of our conversation was when I reasoned with her about the expenses. Her main argument was to call me selfish. She said I wanted all of the comfort for myself, while she would have to move into a much smaller apartment with her mother. She says she doesn't trust her sister, and her mother is controlling, and she doesn't want to get the "My house, my rules" type of response from her mom. Also, she pointed out that her mother had very limited financial resources, while my wife isn't working and would take two kids to that place.

I said that we only have two options. Either she leaves or I leave. But it only makes sense for me to leave if she gets the money to pay for the rent plus monthly bills. We live in a graceful condominium that is very much like a club on a farm, and kids love it. Also, I pay way less than market price for this rent because I made a good deal. So I don't want to move elsewhere, unless she stays here with the kids, but then she would have to pay for the rent and the 6-month deposit.

Allowing her to stay, even though she doesn't have the money, was the key part of our conversation that made her feel validated and agree to leave. But she is afraid of having conflicts with her mother and having to confront a "this is my house, so those are my rules" type of response. I understand it somehow because her mother communicates in a very crude way and becomes toxic when she drinks. But her mother is not always at home. She works 3-by-3 (3 days working and 3 days resting).

After giving it a quick thought, I said to my wife that she could come back during the days that her mother is there, in case they have conflicts. She said, "Oh no, you'll not allow that; you'll just bring another woman to this bed." My spontaneous response was to laugh loudly and then say, "No, I'll not do this; I will protect you because I love you." She then got her eyes shining with emotion.

Because of what she said, I couldn't hold myself from imagining another woman in my bed, nude. So I thought to myself, "Not that another woman in this bed isn't a bad idea, because I haven't had sex in a while." Fortunately, I didn't share my intrusive thoughts with her. But in reality the best candidate woman is my own wife. She is super gorgeous. How can I find another 6-inch girl that's as pretty, effective, and funny as her?

My goal is to find the peace I need to get my life going. I'll have to pay alimony, but with peace I should be able to improve my well-being and then make much more money. I know that I can increase my monthly wage threefold while still taking care of kids in shared custody, because I have done this before. And with the AI takeover threat, it's time to make savings.

At the same time, I'd like her to do DBT and get better to the point that she can return one day. I'm reading all of the success stories on this board, and I truly wish that I'll be able to write mine in the future. I am aware that recovery is not something we can bet on, but I've got faith. And regardless of our status, I want her to get better.

I'm not sure if she will hold her word and leave or if something else will get in the way. But I'm taking it seriously, and I won't give up. Tomorrow we'll talk to her mother about it.

My expectation is that we'll maintain a healthier relationship without living together and that we will still see each other, but now in a way that I can reinforce my boundaries. On the other hand, I'm aware that it may just not work out, but I'm fine with letting go, if needed.

Does it sound like a viable plan?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

A bit more context:

Two years ago she went to her mother's place under the same circumstances. Though back then I didn't want a separation. She was supposed to come back after the weekend, but she didn't return and then entered a downward spiral. Two months later, she was suicidal and had an extreme level of anxiety never seen before. She wouldn't get out of her room and wouldn't allow me to see her, so I had to use sleep masks to get closer. Her parents had put her on a psychiatrist, who prescribed an SSRI antidepressant, and a family psychologist. I knew it would not work, though, because the reason for that was the food.

She has an issue with gluten that affects her mood, so we don't have gluten-containing foods. It's a severe non-celiac gluten sensitivity, which shows up from symptoms but hardly shows up in blood exams. Unfortunately, her food compulsions and her "I don't like to be controlled" type of attitude didn't allow her to accept this fact, so every time she was mad and got some money, she would consume gluten again. And she would tell her family that she didn't have any problem. So there they did not stop cooking with gluten-containing ingredients and buying bread.

It was tough to bring her back because her specific phobia (this is an anxiety disorder) had worsened to an extreme level. So she thought her condition would make it impossible for me to have her here. Because of that, she went back and forth a couple of times. But I finally reassured her enough and brought her back for good. I used a sleep mask for almost one month, including during my sleep. I was cooking for her and treating her as a disabled person. Then I rented a wheelchair, a few months later bought an electric scooter, and today she walks on crutches. This is all because of a traumatic experience she had with sexual assault many months before meeting me, but her extreme anxiety made her specific phobia way worse. Last year, EMDR helped a bit, but it was not intensive because she was pregnant, so now it should be more intensive and therefore more helpful for her.

Over the last few weeks, she consumed filled cookies twice and got a severe headache, and the last time also reported an intense desire to kill herself the next day after eating the cookies. I'm hoping that she will finally accept her food sensitivity, so before she leaves I'll do another final test with a plate of regular macaroni. But this time I'll videotape it, because she forgot about the last test that we did almost two years ago. I need her to be fully aware of it for her own safety.

So the plan is for her to leave while being invited to come back sometimes for a couple of days in case she has conflict with her mother. I'm guessing her mother will get super attached to having her grandchildren nearby, so she will make her best effort to avoid my wife getting frustrated and leaving.

[SuperDaddy]

Well, it seems like I was a bit naive. She is already backing out of our agreement.

She said she had not thought about it properly, added more complaints about the problems of her mom's house, and called me selfish again. Later, in different instances, she approached me in a cute and loving manner, asking me to give up on this.

This attitude may seem like progress. However, the next day she is throwing objects at me again.

[CC43]

Hi Super,

I'm not familiar with your story, but I am familiar with BPD, both treated and untreated.  My view is that with untreated BPD, emotions and expectations are volatile.  At the end of the day, I think pwBPD are unreliable.  I don't intend that to be mean, but rather realistic and practical.  They can say all sorts of things in a moment, but their emotional resources are always extremely taxed, and they change their mind easily.  Even if they theoretically want something, mustering the resources to actually follow through is another matter entirely.  Like you said, she'll have a tendency to see all the negative aspects and discount the positives, as she's wired that way.

In short, intentions don't usually correspond with actions when it comes to BPD in my opinion.  That may seem like behavior which is mercurial, flaky, mean-spirited, avoidant, hesitant, lazy or self-sabotaging.  Whatever the reason, the pattern is usually predictable:  she's all talk, no action.  She has minimal tolerance for stress or discomfort.  So I guess my advice is, if you want something important done--to earn more money, to have a peaceful home, to protect the kids, whatever--then you have to make it happen.  If your wife supports you from time to time on achieving those goals, then that's gravy.  But if you rely on her collaboration, you're probably going to be disappointed, because she just doesn't (can't? won't?) follow through.  Big changes usually take vision, planning, mental toughness, delayed gratification and concerted, consistent effort.  Are those traits your spouse possesses?  My guess is probably not.  Sure, she might be able to contribute in her own way, just on a much smaller scale, less consistently, only when she feels like it and isn't hating everybody.  I think you need to be realistic and plan around that.

Just my two cents.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi CC43,

This is not about having her support. I never actually felt like my partner's support was important to my career or financial health in any of my relationships. A nice partner can make me feel good and provide a structured environment, which is positive for my progress (may contribute indirectly), but when BPD behaviors set in, it's the other way around.

My only option to "make it happen" is to move out and cut off the energy supply, which would immediately force her out as well. That's radical and has a few negative aspects. To minimize those negative aspects, I have planned a "smart move" in which I would just trick her out and then return silently. It's an infallible plan. But honestly, I find myself having a lot of resistance in following this route. My resistance is due to my lack of energy and motivation, but also because this is not a friendly solution.