I am depleted and don't know how to handle

[Upsetmom2]

My adult daughter (28) was just brutally verbally mean to me and I am so broken by it. I know you are not supposed to take things personally but I am so worn down and desperate. I can't stop crying and I don't know how to respond or what to do. I  just want this nightmare to end for me and I feel guilty about that and not sure how to end it. Background: She is in grief and living with me after being on her own in cities far from here since age 18. She moved back to our town 8 months ago which we thought was temporary to help her dad (we're co-parents but friendly-divorced and live nearby and raised her 50-50 time since age 3.) Well, her dad got sicker and sicker and he died in Sept. It's been tragic for both of us. Since then, she has been sleeping in my TV room  (she has a room of her own here but it is chaotic as she only stuffs more and more things in there) She sleeps all day and refuses to get counseling, or help from the many people who have offered to help her deal with her dad's things. She is non-functional not doing the tasks the lawyer that she hired says are needed to get the estate through probate -- house and everything was all left to her and it's pretty complicated. The utilities have been cut off at her dad's house due to nonpayment, the registration from the car he left her is expired, she let the auto insurance lapse, on and on. I live in the country so a car is important. She's been sharing mine and she trashes it - she ran into something smashing one side and blaming it on someone else who "must have run into her when she was in the store." I am struggling to pay bills and my costs right now are double. I threw my back out over the holidays because our electricity went out due to a broken line for 6 days and we havd to evacuate. I hired some cleaners to help clean the floors today. Last night I asked her to help pick things off the floors. She did some of it but not all, and kept warning me not to hurt my back. I thanked her. When I woke up before cleaners arrived, there was still stuff on the floor. I started getting it out of the way. At noon she woke up and started screaming at me for doing that! She called me a "hateful person" which really, really hurt. I am not a person worthy of hatred, I am a peaaceful person and not a yeller, I have lots of good friends and a partner, I give back to my community (like her dad did and he was very admired with hundreds at his celebration of life) and I do nonprofit work for a living. I didn't respond and walked away to my office upstairs because I was at work and on deadline. She followed me up here and continued yelling insults at me and I just didn't engage. But now I'm up here seeking help and feeling just so trapped and devastated. She was diagnosed as Borderline as a teen but she does not accept it. She shows all the signs of everything I've read. She left a little while ago and will be back - I need help to determine response. Do I show her how her words left me crying or do I not say anything at all? I am at a loss and I am a newbie on this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sad Grandma]

You can't fix it. I would tell her that unless she goes through a whole dialectic behavior therapy program, she will have to leave your house. She is 28, so you don't need to look after her anymore. In fact, you may have to cut her out of your life if it gets too bad. That's what I would do with my bpd daughter if it weren't for the fact that I desperately love and want to see my grandchildren.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I'm really sorry for your loss.  Both of you must be reeling.  It's hard not to feel grief, but grief isn't an excuse to become a freeloader and treat you and your home poorly.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter about your daughter's age.  Like your daughter, she has tried living on her own.  But in my stepdaughter's case, she's failed at living on her own several times and has rebounded to my house (with her dad) for most of her adult life.  The "deal" we have with her is that to live with us, she has to be nice, clean up after herself and be on a path to working or studying full-time.  She simply has never been able to keep up her side of the bargain while living with me.  I think the SHAME of not being able to keep up her side of the bargain culminates in bad behavior, lashings out and storming out.  I try not to take it personally, though I do have some built-up resentment, because I don't like living with her, and I don't like her attitude most of the time.  The negativity in the house when she's around ends up being toxic.

Anyway, she's actually surprised me.  I know she doesn't like living with us becuase she feels inadequate and guilty.  But when she has been forced to fend for herself, sometimes she has proven to us (and mostly to herself) how resourceful she can be.  She has done some house-sitting.  She has found some roommates.  She has found various jobs.  Though she doesn't like them and sometimes gets fired/not enough shifts, there are loads of jobs out there, she can find another one.

I might be weird, but for me, I can tolerate a bad mood, as long as my stepdaughter is doing what she's supposed to be doing, e.g. cleaning up after herself, working diligently at her job and saving up some money to move out.  What bothers me most is when she sleeps the day away, consumes illicit substances, lives like a slob and doesn't help out one bit.  Why?  Because that means she's hopeless, off track, not committing to therapy, not trying, and with no plans to become more independent and self-sufficient, while blaming others for all her problems.

I think you need to hold firm boundaries.  It's your house and your life.  She's a GUEST, and it's your choice if you let her stay with you.  If she does stay with you, she needs to be a proper guest:  caring for the environment, respecting your space, being kind, and contributing--helping with rent, chores, upkeep, whatever works best for you.  If not, she can leave.

[Sancho]

Hi Upsetmom2
Years ago I thought that if my DD saw my tears and anguish she would realize the effect of her terrible words. Not so. I didn’t understand BPD then and the fact that anything that triggers that they are to blame for something will be blocked at the very least, because it is too painful – my DD is low-functioning so therapy not helpful.

So from my experience I wouldn’t show her your pain. I goes against the grain I know but so much does when dealing with BPD.

The thing I am trying to get my head around is why your DD has not been proactive in dealing with her inheritance? Also from my experience, some with the condition would be very active in dealing with it.

Your DD has lived independently for 10 years I gather – is that correct?  Did you have much contact during that time and if so, what was that like? I have a few questions – hope you don’t mind.

Do you know if your DD has used drugs at all or do you think she may be using them now? My DD is atm and her pattern is going off staying with friends for a few days then back home and sleeping for days.

Has your DD has a history of depression? BPD can have different comorbidities and if the sleeping pattern is not related to substance use, it could be that DD is very depressed. I understand completely that grief is in there, but the inability to do any of the things that need to be done does seem to me like significant depression.

Where from here?

The first thing in my opinion is how to gather some strength yourself. The verbal abuse is like a knife going through one, and to ignore is easier said than done. I used to ‘hear’ the words, but I don’t now. It makes it easier to think of it in terms of a cornered, wild kitten – their reaction is hissing and spitting and making huge noise. When the words flow it is a defence mechanism against the pain the BPD person is experiencing. If you are the target of blame then it will be hurled at you. Try to practice  letting the words fly past you.

The other thing that supports me is the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. Believe it or not I found myself using this the other day when I realized my anxiety was off the scale. It’s really helpful for me.

Do you know if there is a time limit on doing all that needs to be done for the estate process?  Perhaps find out information about what happens in these circumstances ie can the court appoint someone else to transfer the estate.

It is only a short while and both of you are grieving I know. But it is important for you to feel that you are not being totally submerged in this situation so I think you need to feel more in control.

I have asked enough questions for one day! I think the steps to take control could depend on the answers to the ones above!

Thinking of you in this really awful situation.

[Sancho]

PS Do you know what is complicated about the estate?

[CC43]

Hi again,

Though I suspect that the estate issues aren't the main issue for you, it's no surprise to me that your daughter isn't taking care of things as she should.  If she's anything like my BPD stepdaughter, her standard coping mechanism is avoidance.  Anything new, unfamiliar or tricky feels difficult for most people at first, but for pwBPD, it feels absolutely overwhelming.  My guess is your daughter might RESENT her dad for burdening her with all this paperwork and responsibility.  Again, if she's anything like my BPD stepdaughter, my guess is she didn't really learn how to handle adult administrative matters because her her dad over-functioned for her in the past.  Maybe he paid for her insurance, rent, health expenses or utilities.  Maybe he made sure her bills were paid on time and her car was maintained.  Maybe he prepared her taxes for her, assuming she worked some and generated some income.  If he didn't do all that for her, maybe he was readily available to send your daughter reminders, monitor her cash and bail her out, easing her "adulting" burden.  Maybe your daughter has "learned helplessness," because others have felt compelled to step in and do work that she herself should be doing, in the name of preventing meltdowns and keeping her stable.  They did this of love, as they didn't want to see her suffer, or to lose out, even if it prevented her from learning life skills and gaining self-confidence.

If your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter, this "over functioning" means that she lacks practical experience.  She might not understand what an insurance beneficiary is, and she doesn't know what the word probate means, let alone what it entails.  Something like an estate can seem mightily confusing, even if she has a lawyer and trusted friends who are helping her.  She could be afraid to ask questions, for fear of looking stupid.  Personally, I've been dealing with a complicated estate for a couple years now, and it feels burdensome to me, even though I have ample general business, administrative and legal experience to draw from.  If my BPD stepdaughter had to manage something like that, I think she'd probably give up before even trying.  She would collapse from the work, her impatience and general overwhelm, even if she were the beneficiary of everything.  Add to that any grief, and it's no wonder she seems paralyzed.  Her thinking can be so mixed up that she doesn't care if she loses everything.  She'll say as much:  "I don't care."  But it's not right that she's taking her overwhelm out on you.  It sounds to me like she needs to get professional help, both for her mental state and with her dad's estate.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

[Upsetmom2]

I am so glad I reached out to the folks here, you have no idea how helpful your supportive, knowledgeable, and enlightened comments are. Well, probably you do! I feel less alone and that is everything to me right now. Thank you so much. I want to carefully review some of these questions later after a work deadline I have today. I have been hiding out at a friend's house since last night. I let he know I would not be coming home last night and also let he know I was blocking her texts because she was continuing to send abusive and blaming texts to me. Again, thank you and I will be back on with more information and seeking help. I feel embarrassed and defeated, but I can see so many of you have felt those things and perservered in difficult situations. Again, thank you and I'll be back later

[CC43]

Hi there,

I hope you take the time on your break to clear your head and plan your next response.  Look, my BPD stepdaughter recently lived with her dad and me for a few months, and over that time her behavior deteriorated.  She was supposed to be looking for work, but she was sleeping/napping excessively during the work week.  She was supposed to be working part-time, but she barely did.  She was supposed to be helping, and she really wasn't.  She was supposed to be saving up money to move out, but she wasn't, because she prioritized trips/cosmetic surgery/take-out foods.  She was supposed to be nice, and she increasingly wasn't.  Tensions mounted in the home and there were arguments, with lashings out, too.  During an argument that felt "manufactured" by my stepdaughter, her dad said he thought it was about time she left.  He was fed up, and she didn't want to be with us anyway (except for the free lodging/food).  She left and was basically forced to figure out her life.  It wasn't an ideal exit, and she's avoiding us right now, but I think it was for the best, because continuing on the downward spiral wasn't good for anyone.

I'm not saying your situation is the same.  But if you let your daughter scream at you and treat you so badly that you can't stand living in your home anymore, then that's not a situation you want to be facing long-term.  I understand there's grief involved, and that nerves are frazzled, and you can have some compassion there.  Sometimes there are temporary, uncomfortable situations that you feel capable of tolerating.  Most parents here have to endure rollercoaster emotions with their loved ones with BPD.  I guess the questions I ask are, do I feel abused? used? resentful most of the time?  That tells me the situation isn't working, and I need to enforce some boundaries, to preserve my own well-being.  The pwBPD is free to sabotage her life, but I can't let her take me down with her.  The thing with BPD is that limits and boundaries are constantly tested--her pain and disordered thinking is so extreme that she doesn't care one bit if what she's doing in the moment is hurtful to others.  Since she has no limits, you have to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.

[Upsetmom2]

I want to again thank you so much and here are some answers to the questions. (All day I have been repeating "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. I can't cure it."

CC43 - your stepdaughter sounds like mine, down to what you described about she prioritizes and how her behavior seems.

On the questions Sancho posed - She lived independently 10 years and we were in regular contact. During that time, there was a lot of chaos. She was arrested and served a brief sentence for spraying grafitti on a federal building. She dated an abuser who pulled a gun on her. She and another girl were drugged and raped by a stranger at age 14 - and they didn't tell us because they had gone to the guy to get pot and he gave each of them a drugged beer - one of thee girls had MS. The man has never been caught - they would not say who it was - and they only way we found out is the girls got gonnarhea  . She's had bad and frequent migraines since she was little. She had a lot of oppositional behavior problems. Her dad and I were always professionals with active social lives and community service and we tried lots of types of help for her as she grew up. She dropped out of school after the rape and stayed home, worked, got her GED and went briefly to community college for culinary, which she worked at in a major city and is very good at. -She left home at 18 with a boyfriend who turned out to be an abuser (and of course we had no idea, we knew this kid's parents, he seemed like a great kid,  but turns out a nasty drunk and he weilded a gun and threatened to kill her when they lived in a major city far from us). Before she came home in May to help her dad with a lung transplant, she was working, as I said, in nonprofit direct social services with people living on the street, had her own apt with rommates, only getting occasional financial support from us - but her dad may have been doing more, as you said Sancho. Her dad was definitely a helictoper parent and pretty controlling, and also depressive and chaotic in his personal life. He was brave and worked hard to overcome. In some areas he was super functional and in others, really struggled - hoarding, for example. My daughter has a lot of mental illness on his side of the family. Her dad's dad killed himself, his sister killed herself, and his brother was in and out of mental institutions his whole life. OK, the question about drug use:   My daugher has been a recovering opiod addict for - 6 years - I think? She is on suboxone for that. She takes an antidepressant. She smokes A LOT of strong cannabis products.Not a regular drinker but will binge drink out with her friends and be super sick the next day.  On the estate: There's an executor, her dad's best friend, who is a lawyer. He's 75, been traveling a lot for fun in retirement and "doesn't really deal with computers anymore" which is... not ideal. He is also grieving of course! There's a probate lawyer because the executor never practiced that kind of law - he had a niche practice and stayed in it. In my daughter's shock of her dad dying before he could get the lung transplant, she insisted on keeping his house to rent it out because she could not handle going through the stuff. Now she is seeing it makes sense to sell it. Things are moving forward glacially, largely because she sleeps all day and doesn't do any of the tasks promptly. This part is super important to my situation and my distress: I CANNOT get involved with any of the stuff at her dad's house, period. He was a hoarder and it' s one reason I left him - he would let mail stack, then put it in bins then put it in a paid-for storage locker - I mean, what?? Would not accept help in any way to deal with the mail.) I have been completely clear with my daughter I can't get involved in it and she's accepted that for the most part. She has friends and folks ready to help her with it.

[Upsetmom2]

Really I need advice on how to handle or what to say when I go back to the house and see her. I'm trying not to be, but I am super hurt and upset and crying at the drop of a hat