Please help

[In4thewin]

I'm very sad and confused about what I should do and not do when it comes to mitigating issues and helping m dBPD daughter right now and moving forward. Her recent news about being pregnant has thrown me through a loop and made her need to seek help so much more urgent, but I know I can't control that. At this point I'm grappling with how to maintain physical boundaries that are necessary due to her volatile behavior while also remaining accessible and appropriately supportive. She wants me to just "be happy for her" but I don't feel happiness. What I feel is afraid and helpless with a smidgon of hope that hangs on a thread. My friend who's a nurse and professes to understand BPD thinks that I should be going NC to the point of blocking my daughter from even contacting me, but this just doesn't set right in my heart or mind. She's only 19, is legitimately in a lot of pain, and it seems cruel and downright dangerous...... but apparently that makes me codependent? Please help. I wan't to support her and be a part of my grandchild's life, but not with the tradeoff of continuing to tolerate abuse or becoming an enabler. I don't believe the pregnancy was any accident but does that even matter. Does it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Inforthewin
I have read your first post about the pregnancy and have been trying to find a moment to pen a reply. Your post brought back a clear recollection of the moment my DD announced that she was pregnant. I felt spaced out and totally whacked – so I am sure my response was well short of enthusiastic. I too was sure it was not accidental – and my DD was 19.
Now gd is nearly 16! It is a rollercoaster ride that’s for sure.

I am not sure your friend fully understands BPD – because I don’t think she would give advice of this scale if that were the case. Going NC is a huge step – one that is an option for sure – but it is such a huge thing to do, I don’t think anyone can advise another person to take that step. The person themselves would need to come to that conclusion and from what you say, it is not what your heart or head is telling you to do at this point in time. You need to follow that message I believe.

I also don’t think it matters whether the pregnancy was planned or not. It is there now, and all the reasons why it would be better if it had not happened are not going to change that. This is now the situation.

First of all give yourself time to adjust to this. It is HUGE – and you are no doubt thinking of all the possible consequences and different eventualities. I found myself sort of feeling sick, while DD was basking in all the attention a pregnancy brings.

We use words like ‘co-dependence’ often without a proper definition, or reference to a huge range of different circumstances. Being prepared to walk beside your DD does not mean that you are automatically ‘co-dependent’. It can simply mean you love your DD and want to be able to be part of her life and the life of your grandchild.

That’s the first thing – follow your own heart and mind (wherever it may lead you because that’s the only way forward).

The next thing – can you be happy about it? This is what your DD wants, but gosh I am sure it is hard to get the happy vibe going when you can see all the possibilities and problems ahead. I have to admit I found it very difficult but after getting over the shock and taking time to adjust I changed my thought pattern to focusing on the child. That made it easier because every child needs to be carried in an atmosphere that is happy, relaxed and healthy – and your grandchild is no exception.

All that said, there is still the fact that your DD has a very serious condition – one that is not only challenging for her but all those around her and especially whoever is the target of blame. And DD is only 19 so be ready for the long haul.

From what you say, the father of the child is very stable and has stable support – this is another reason to be happy because that side of things could be so different.

Do you feel you can express a positive feeling to your DD? I think if you can do that, the next thing is look at what happens then? I am wondering whether DD intends to move in with the father, stay at the apartment that you are financing or . . .

I think I would be quickly making the positive vibe move and then keeping an open communication to find out what DD is thinking in relation to the living arrangement. Perhaps you know this already.

Re the abuse etc. In my opinion it’s good to take one step at a time, I would see how all this settles and then perhaps you could post some actual examples of how things are and we can look at options for addressing those issues.

Keep in mind that all this is my opinion. I believe strongly that each person’s situation and relationship is unique and you are the one who knows your DD.  It is great to come here where people know the lived experience of BPD and can give us their personal experience. All options are on the table – follow your heart and mind, and  believe in your own ability to find a way forward.                             

[js friend]

Hi Infortewin,


My udd had her first child at 19yo and I remember feeling very sadden for my unborn gc as udd had shown only shown up to that point that she could barely look after herself, yet udd wanted a fanfare  and was disappointed that we (her family)werent happy or excited by this news. I remember it being a weird time as dd didnt want my support and only wanted to do anything baby related in secret and only had time for her b/f and friends.


I think your friend means well and as an outsiders view I would probably have said the same but see LC as a good option.
I think the fear that you are feeling comes from FOG (fear. obligation, Guilt) Once the FOG is out of the way we can often  see the situation for what it really is. I often compare now how udd treated me to if she was a friend and whether I would put up with it, and often the answer is NO i wouldnt, but because she is my udd I allowed her to get away with it.

After finding out my udd was pregnant I invited her to come for dinner once a week as she was not living at home at the time. I fed her and I gave her toiletries and some groceries. I kept it all short and sweet because it was all I could mentally manage at the time, and udd behaved suprisingly well and made an effort to be there on time which is something she never did when she lived at home.

If there are any threats of possible violence however I dont think any face to face interaction alone with my udd would have been possible and I wouldnt have gone down that route. Another thing to remember is that your udd's hormones maybe all over the place too so not to take what she says seriously. It is not an excuse but a consideration when going NC. I think this decision has to be a personal one.

I know that you probably feeling obligated  as her mother but boundaries are important at whatever age and you are allowed to take a step back to look after your own mental health without feeling guilty. My udd was 19yo when she had first gc. She has had 2 more and even though we are now estranged I always think that there will be hopefully time enough to reconnect under better circumstances, so dont give up hope or think that it must be now or never.

I think if you do manage to speak to your dd it will be better to focus her and her pregnancy even if she tries to draw you into a conversation about her r/s. By jumping in I think it will backfire somewhere down the line and you will be blamed.

I think you have to do what is right for you at this stage.

[CC43]

Hi Win,

I understand you're stressed out worrying about your dysregulated daughter, and now about her bringing a life into this world when she doesn't seem able to care for herself very well, while she's acting abusively towards you, her biggest ally on the planet.  If your nurse friend is suggesting no contact, I bet that's because they see how desperate the situation really is, and they're trying to be supportive by placing your interests first and foremost.  As a mom, you're probably accustomed to placing your daughter's interests first, and now you have to think about a grandchild on top of that; your natural inclination is to put yourself last.  It sounds to me like you have a good friend who's concerned about you, even if you decide not to follow the well-meaning advice.

To your daughter, getting pregnant might seem like a solution to all her problems:  she gets someone to love her unconditionally, she gets attention, and maybe she avoids figuring out how to support herself, because she assumes others will step up.  With her black-and-white thinking, being pregnant feels all white right now.  Maybe she genuinely wants to be a mom.  But since she's 19, she probably underestimates how difficult it is, yet she doesn't care--she wants all the joy and attention and none of the burden at the moment.  It's no surprise that she's upset when you don't seem to be over the moon--she was probably expecting attention, adoration, a shower with lots of presents, and an upgraded living situation.

I haven't been in your situation, though from time to time I've feared that my adult stepdaughter with BPD might try to get pregnant.  She can't support herself independently right now, and she abandoned a beloved pet for months--I think she couldn't possibly take care of a child in her current situation.  She can function a few months at a time, but then she tends to have meltdowns and need extensive support (plus long "vacations" from real life) to get herself back on track.  Adding a baby to this situation would only complicate matters by an order of magnitude.

I understand that going no contact seems extreme, especially for someone so young.  If you are often reeling from how poorly your daughter treats you, there might be a middle ground of low contact.  One way to do this would be to reach out on a schedule--say, once or twice a week--at a time and in a manner that is least disruptive to you.  Maybe it's a coffee together, a call on your way to work, or a facetime when you're on a walk.  You could adopt the stance that you're emotionally supportive, but you don't provide a monthly stipend or housing, because you're both adults now and live your own lives.  You have your own budget and living arrangements, just like your daughter has her own budget and living arrangements.  How does that sound?

[In4thewin]

I decided to go low contact out of necessity. Tonight I sent her an email and I described my concerns in a very non confrontational way. I told her I loved her, validated that I know she needs me etc. I described how painful it's been to continually be verbally abused and I also expressed that I was hoping she'd get into a DBT program and do the work this time. Shortly thereafter, I was sent a long text spam packed with nothing but vile things about how she wishes me dead and calling me outrageous profanities. She did exactly what I described to her as being a major problem that needed to change. I really have no choice but to let the dust settle and not attempt to engage with her again until she reaches back out and acts like nothing has happened. At this point she's moved out of her apartment and in with the bf. I gave her a decent car, I'm paying for her cosmetology program, and I send her $120 a week. I'm not cutting that off but I also will not increase it or participate in any planning for the baby unless she and her bf get around to approaching me about this pregnancy together, and collectively state their intention to have the baby and coparent in his home. Is that too much to expect? They were already gearing up to formally move her in before the pregnancy happened, but honestly, I didn't see any signs that he was "in love" with my daughter, and I know that she was the one who pushed the relationship. It's what she does. I have no idea how he really even feels about her or what expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household now that a baby is on the way or when it arrives. Aren't these things that anyone in my position would want to know and expect would be "transparent"? Or am I overstepping?

[CC43]

I was sent a long text spam packed with nothing but vile things about how she wishes me dead and calling me outrageous profanities. I really have no choice but to let the dust settle and not attempt to engage with her again until she reaches back out and acts like nothing has happened. At this point she's moved out of her apartment and in with the bf. I gave her a decent car, I'm paying for her cosmetology program, and I send her $120 a week. I'm not cutting that off but I also will not increase it or participate in any planning for the baby unless she and her bf get around to approaching me about this pregnancy together, and collectively state their intention to have the baby and coparent in his home. Is that too much to expect? . . . . I have no idea how he really even feels about her or what expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household now that a baby is on the way or when it arrives. Aren't these things that anyone in my position would want to know and expect would be "transparent"? Or am I overstepping?

Hi there,

I'm not sure if I'm understanding your feelings about your daughter's boyfriend.  It seems you would like to know that he's committed to your daughter and will earn enough money to care for your daughter and their child together, right?  Of course you'd want that for your daughter, but do you really expect him to give you an accounting of his earnings and the household budget?  You write that you need to know his "expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household."  I get that, but by the same token, I don't think he should be telling YOU that.  He should be telling your daughter.  Besides, people can be full of good intentions, but fail to deliver because life and work are HARD.  What matters to me aren't intentions as much as results.  And for me, the best predictor of future results is past behavior.  Is the boyfriend capable of holding down a job, gradually increasing his responsibilties and winning promotions?  One look at his resume and you'd have decent information.  The same goes for your daughter.

Maybe you're trying to say, you don't want to be expected to pay for your daughter and grandchild yourself.  But why would your daughter think YOU are going to pay?  Have you told her you would?  The baby is her responsibility, not yours.  She made the choice, she bears the responsibility.  Granted, with BPD, there's usually a heavy dose of entitlement and sky-high expectations of other people.

I guess if I were in your shoes and I were supporting another adult economically, my support would be wholly in kind and conditioned upon using the money as I intended, akin to making a donation to charity, where funds must be used for stated charitable purposes.  By that I mean, if I pay tuition, then my expectation is that she study (and pass).  If she fails or drops out of school, then there's no more money for tuition.  If I pay rent for an apartment, then my expectation is that she live in the apartment.  If she abandons (or trashes) the apartment, then no more rent money.  If I give her some money for utilities, then my expectation is for it to be spent on utilities.  If she's spending the money on illicit drugs, lottery tickets or other nonsense, then no more money for utilities.  If she declares, she's an adult, she wants to drop out of school, abandon her apartment, move in with her boyfriend and have a baby, that is her choice, and it sounds like a deliberate one.  I respect another adult's choices--I really do--provided that they aren't breaking the law, hurting others, or making me live with the consequences.  Your daughter is showing you she doesn't value her old apartment (nor the tuition you paid in all likelihood), and that's OK.  She has something now that she thinks is better, she's exercising her independence, and you don't have to keep paying for things she doesn't want.  You certainly don't have to reward bad behavior, when your daughter is wishing you dead and calling you outrageous profanities, while holding out her hand for additional spending money.  I'm writing this because I wish my family hadn't financed and enabled increasingly destructive and expensive decisions by a loved one with BPD, while my husband and I bore the financial/logistical consequences.  I promise you, the verbal and written abuse only get worse, almost in direct proportion to the demands for more money, for as long as your daughter doesn't seek professional treatment.  I think the potential to make questionable choices grows as the size of her pocketbook increases, right alongside her age and her expectations to do adult things, such as have a baby.  Look, would you be angry if your daughter decided to vacate her apartment and move in with her boyfriend if she were the one responsible for paying the rent?  My guess is that if SHE were paying the rent, she'd find a solution, such as a sublet situation, and then her choice wouldn't bother you as much.  Or maybe you're angry because your daughter got pregnant and is living with a boyfriend before marriage?  I'm not a fan of that choice either, but it's not mine to make, and it's not uncommon, either.  Some would say it's the most economical choice, as a single mom could qualify for more benefits.

Let me guess, you want to pay for your daughter to get DBT treatment, but your daughter doesn't want to do it--she wants to do other things, mainly spend time with her boyfriend.  If you relent and continue to give her money, you're likely enabling and prolonging dysfunciton, in addition to training your daughter to treat you poorly.  My humble opinion is that you should close the parental ATM for the time being.  This isn't to be mean, but to show your daughter sooner rather than later that she needs to live in the "real world."  In the "real world," adults need to face economic realities, which usually mean that parents can't afford to bankroll their adult children forever.  I think you should start now, before you set your daughter's expectations of getting a weekly stipend from you (unless you can afford to see it multiplied and extended for 18 years or so).

In the meantime, I think you have the right idea of waiting until your daughter reaches out and pretends like nothing happened.  I think you might pretend that nothing happened, either.  You could say, you respect your daughters decision to start her family.  Though you're not an ATM, you can provide moral support, given your own experience with pregnancy and early motherhood.  I'd say, try to become a trusted adviser and moral supporter, instead of being a provider/nurturer/ATM.  This might be a good inflection point--your daughter is a full adult now, and you can start treating her like one, not like a dependent little girl.  But if she resumes her abusive behavior, disengage right away and protect yourself.  Try not to reward her bad behavior with money or attention.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

Aren't these things that anyone in my position would want to know and expect would be "transparent"? Or am I overstepping?

Personally, I feel like you're overstepping on almost everything.  On the car, the cosmetology school, on the allowance, and certainly on taking her abuse.

Your daughter will take mental health seriously when she has no one else to blame but herself.  Yet every time she gets in that position, you're trying to save her from herself.  So instead of her seeing the actual problem (she's mentally ill), she sees you as the problem and lashes out.

Your kind-hearted support is being interpreted as entitlement and proof that you're a bad parent.  After all, why else would you keep paying for everything?  She thinks you feel guilty so she continues to manipulate and blame you.  Ultimately it's making her sicker mentally.

I do agree with your daughter though that she doesn't have to prove the boyfriend's intentions to you.  That's for them to figure out together and if he's not a good guy, then she needs to learn that on her own.  So let her be an adult and face the consequences of these actions.

Your kid needs a supportive mom right now, and her next year will be 1,000x harder without it.  So I don't think you should go no-contact but at the same time, you must end the circular arguments with very clear boundaries.  If she explodes on you, you're not speaking for a few days.  If she wants financial support, she will be kind and thankful or she will make her own money.  Hold her to the same standards that you'd hold anyone else to, because they're lessons she has to learn in order to get better.

And honestly, if she's just a month or two pregnant, it's better to have this blow-out now than later.

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) can and do quickly overreact.  You're thinking, But I tried to be reasonable and calm, why this extreme vitriol of rants and rages?  She lives in a different world, mentally.

Hers is a world of self-oriented perceptions, perceived slights, feelings, moods, no seeming awareness of consequences, etc.  On the other hand, your logic and reasoning are a total disconnect to her.  The problem is that hers is not a reasonably normal world view.

So approaching communication with JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) are typically doomed except in rare moments.  Over on our Tools & Skills workshops board we have threads on JADE, DEARMAN, SET, BIFF and more.  Browse them and ponder the benefits of each approach.

There are also threads there on how effective Boundaries can work, somewhat.  PwBPD resist boundaries so boundaries are up to us.  How are boundaries ours?  Boundaries are our response to poor behavior.  At the most basic it can be illustrated as, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

So once you've informed them of Your Boundary, then you can proceed.  For example, if the other rants and rages you can say goodbye, end the conversation, hang up or leave until the other has reset or otherwise calmed down.  Does that make sense?  It's not intuitive but it's a better pattern that will have more success than in the past.

Frankly, all these concepts aren't complete solutions and may not work every time - BPD patterns often seem intractable and resist recovery - but they have a track record in our collective experience to work better and more often than what was tried before.

[In4thewin]

Thank you for all the thougtful responses and insights. I value this space so much. I understand that I did the wrong thing with my email and it was classic JADE. I guess her reaction should have been expected. To clarify about the boyfriend, I never expected him to open his finances up to me, just as I wouldn't open mine to him. I just thought it would start things off on as "normal" a foot if he/they addressed this situation with me in some way, like he and my daughter did with his dad and step mom. I'm certain it's not him who is avoiding the contact with me and he's just following my daughter's lead based on what she's telling him. He doesn't know that she has this disorder and from the outside looking in I'm sure he thinks my relationship with my daughter is pretty normal. I'm paying for school and supporting her in other ways that a lot parents do. What he doesn't know is why she even had an apartment rather than living with me. So at this point with her being pregnant, if I were him, I'd likely assume that the situation will eventually roll out in a way where I'll be stepping in offering additional financial assistance since I have the means, and I'd be helping with a new baby like his parents do. I just know I can't do any of that without enabling my daughter and putting myself in a situation of being held emotionally hostage. I've been expressing to my daughter for some time that she should get a part time job. Nonetheless she has remained jobless but I ended up buying into her rationalization that now that she's in school full time, M-F, all day, that it wasn't really necessary for her to have one. After all, the program is a year long, ending next September, and I had every intention of putting a tight timeline on how long I'd continue to pay certain necessary expenses like car insurance once she graduated and was unquestionably employable. I have no problem helping my daughter and I actually want to do nice things for her that enhance her life, but not at the expense of her not helping herself. Now this. I feel like it would be counterproductive for me to pull the financial support she currently gets from me so long as she remains in school, but I also feel that given her condition, she should finally get herself a part time job before I'd even consider lending any additional support that might be needed. I think that would be the responsible thing to do for herself and her child, and it would help out her boyfriend and THEIR household. I just don't know what to do and not do with this allover situation. There are no guarantees that she and her bf will even stay together throughout this pregnancy let alone long thereafter, and it's very important to me that she starts exercising some financial accountability and begins earning some of her own money as soon as possible.

[In4thewin]

Also, no, I have not told my daughter that I'd be financially supporting the child. To the contrary, when she dropped the news on me, I verbalized that I wouldn't. Probably not the best way to respond when hearing your daughter is pregnant, but since she's not supporting herself and hasn't even lived with me for close to a year, I thought it was best that I make it clear that this news would not make me backtrack on previous statements I made to her concerning moving in with her bf. You see, I've been paying for an apartment that she has not inhabited at all in months. Not a single night, and not even for a few hours here and there, even when her bf has been working and not home. From the word go after she met him, she found herself at his place all the time, and they've essentially been living together for months, without her moving any of her own furniture in. I don't know how the subject of her "formally" moving in with him happened, but she told me a couple months ago that it was going to happen when her lease ends and I didn't argue it since there's really nothing I could do about the fact that she was over there all the time and I was paying for an apartment to be vacant. I even tried to create the "rule" that she'd at least be in her apartment during her school week, and whatever she did on the weekends was her business. Not even an attempt to comply. So anyway, I made it clear two months ago that she can do whatever she wants to do when the lease ends, but I wouldn't be allocating money I had been paying for a rental into his household. She didn't flinch at that, and when I later was with the two of them in early December and I brought up her move into his place, he acknowledged that it was happening, didn't give me any indication that he was expecting it to be a paid living arrangement, and I didn't offer any payment. Now she's pregnant and I've heard nothing from him at all, but she tells me that he's  "excited" about the baby and that his parents know and are supportive.

[CC43]

Hi again Win,

Well I haven't been in your situation and probably can't anticipate all the issues, but I can say a few things about my BPD stepdaughter when she was a young adult which might provide some perspective.

First off, I'm pretty sure my stepdaughter told others that she had an abusive childhood and that her family was toxic, even if the fact patterns didn't line up.  Thus my guess is that your daughter is probably making you out to be some sort of uncaring/abusive/mean/controlling/narcissistic monster to her boyfriend.  Right now she probably views her boyfriend as a knight in shining armor (all white), while you are the wicked witch (all black).  I guess it's unsurprising to me that her boyfriend hasn't spoken openly with you about upcoming plans.  He might be avoiding you, and your daughter might compel him to stay away from you, just so she can maintain the running narrative.  If the boyfriend were to spend any significant time with you, he might catch your daughter in a lie!  My guess is, the more insecure your daughter is in the relationship, the less you'll see her husband, because she won't want him to learn the truth and start to doubt her . . .

Secondly, I believe that my BPD stepdaughter's disordered behaviors prevented her from learning basic "adulting" skills.  People around her were walking on eggshells.  Her parents tended to jump in, fix things and take care of her, either to "rescue" her, or just make her life easier, in the name of keeping her stable and avoiding meltdowns.  With so much "interference," my stepdaughter didn't face the natural consequences of her own decisions, and her incentives were all mixed up.  It could be that your daughter's boyfriend is currently playing that "fixer/savior" role.

In my stepdaughter's case, she spent most of her early adult life in a state of avoidance.  She felt she couldn't handle life, and as a result, she stayed in her room for weeks on end, a self-imposed prison sentence.  I think she was so afraid of messing up that she avoided life altogether.  She didn't view everyday mistakes as opportunities to learn, but rather as personal utter failures.  Her negative thinking meant catastrophizing every little setback, making her believe her life was over.

Unfortunately, in practice what starts to happen with this negative thinking is that pwBPD miss out on some formative life experiences.  In the case of my stepdaughter, she missed out on getting some experience with entry-level jobs.  She wasn't responsible for any bills, not even her phone.  She didn't take care of her car, her dad did.  She didn't arrange to get her own transponder, her dad got it for her.  She didn't pay for her own parking tickets.  She didn't make her own doctors' appointments.  She didn't apply for internships.  She didn't file her taxes.  She didn't buy groceries or prepare meals (she only got take-out).  She didn't volunteer.  When she broke her phone, she cried for a new one, and her dad got it for her.  When she tried to attend college, she didn't participate in any extracurricular activities.  She didn't pursue any hobbies (unless scrolling social media and watching TV count as hobbies).  She didn't perform any chores whatsoever in the household.  She didn't even hang up her own bath towel to dry.  Though she signed a lease, she didn't know its terms because her dad took care of the rent and utilities payments.  Etc., etc.  Over time, a few things happen:  She lacks a sense of identity.  She feels overwhelmed by life.  She lacks core competencies.  She doesn't feel responsible for anything.  She doesn't feel needed, a part of a team, a part of a family, part of a friend group.  She doesn't feel important.  She doesn't feel knowledgeable, capable or powerful.  She doesn't have a daily routine involving any combination of work/study/volunteerism.  She doesn't have a network of friends, and she doesn't get invited to do fun things either.  She can't figure out how to solve problems.  She feels overly dependent and starts to resent it.  Without the rigid structure of high school, she feels rudderless, and stuck at that age, while her peers seem to move effortlessly into the adulting stage.  At the end of the day, she is utterly clueless about the administrative side of life:  how much things cost, how to pay a bill, what a lease is, what insurance is, how credit cards work, how to call to make an inquiry or appointment, how to do a job interview.  She starts to be paralyzed by fear--fear of the future, fear of being exposed for the fraud she thinks she is.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that because you have probably been taking care of the financial and administrative side of your adult daughter's life, she might be absolutely clueless about economic realities.  Right now, she doesn't worry one bit, because she's never had to make economic choices under a constrained budget, let alone go without.  You do all the worrying and bill paying for her!  Did your daughter pay any part of tuition, even if it were a nominal amount, such as 5%?  My guess is, probably not.  The thing is, over time, there's a real risk that your daughter will RESENT you for making her feel needy/behind/incompetent.  And when economic reality hits her, the blow will feel overwhelming.  Guess who she'll blame for that?

Now, I understand that many parents want to support their kids, financially and logistically, to make their kids' lives easier, mostly so they can get a great education and enjoy life while they are still young.  But I think that with BPD, there are some disordered thinking patterns which lead kids not to appreciate the support, and they don't sieze the opportunities afforded them, because their priorities are all mixed up.  They're hijacked by emotional dysregulation, which gets in the way of learning to plan, manage their time effectively, solve problems, overcome obstacles and resolve conflicts.  My opinion is, they need extra practice, extra patience, and lots and lots of encouragement.  But the incentives have to be right.  Because when you're paying for everything, it doesn't matter one bit that you want your daughter to get a part-time job.  Why on earth would she do that, when she gets everything she needs from you and her boyfriend?  She'll only get a part-time job when she needs to get one.  She's not going to do it because she feels obligated or indebted to you.  You see, she thinks YOU owe HER.

Good luck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

When you're ready to dig deeper into the whys and wherefors of these complicated relationship triangles (victim, persecutor, rescuer) you can research the Karpman Triangle (and this general triangulation topic too) which can explain a lot of what you're experiencing.