Father of Adult Daughter with BPD

[Great-Lakes-Mitt]

Hello,

My adult daughter has pretty much shown all of the BPD traits, which started in her late teens. At the time, I was in the military and dealing with my own struggles so I passed it off as typical teenage BS.

I’m now in my 60s, have remarried (15 years ago), live in a different state, and have been estranged from her and her son for four years.

Looking back now, it’s quite clear that she has BPD and that I had no clue therefore most interactions with her did not go well!

I want very much to have a relationship with my daughter and grandson so anything I can learn to move in that direction would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

Hi Mitt. Was there something in particular that happened/was said leading to your estrangement? Some additional information might be helpful to others in providing you with advice.

[Sancho]

Hi Great-Lakes-Mitt and welcome
Your position is different in that you have been no contact for quite some time and live a fair distance from your DD and GS. Do you have any information on how DD is going at the moment -why I ask is that for some people with BPD, the symptoms can lessen, while for others that is not really the case.

So I think first step would be to try to find out how your DD is travelling at the moment if you don't already know. Is that possible. It makes a huge difference as to how you move forward for many different reasons: it might open the door to considerable problems for you and it might trigger your DD's intense sense of abandonment which she may be coping okay with.

Is there any contact at all that you have kept up over the years eg Christmas/birthday and if so how has that gone? Sorry for all the questions!

[Great-Lakes-Mitt]

The main issue that caused the estrangement was getting remarried. I have three adult children from my first marriage. Two of the three have accepted that I remarried. My BPD daughter has never accepted it.

For many years after remarriage she was willing to have a relationship with me as long as I did not mention my wife or her children. My current wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and  ended up getting a lumpectomy, radiation, and hormone therapy. She finished the treatments and appeared to be cancer free. Halfway through her treatment my BPD daughter stated she wished my wife had died… needless to say, our relationship suffered.

Four years ago, my therapist suggested that I write a letter to let her know I was willing to have a relationship but it would need to include recognition that I have a wife and would include her and her family in conversations when appropriate.

She took that as an ultimatum and ended our relationship (in a very ugly way).

I tried to continue sending birthday and holiday cards to my grandson (her child) for about six months and she informed me that he was not getting the cards because she was throwing them away and to stop sending cards.

About two years ago, my wife’s cancer returned and she ended up having a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and is currently on hormone therapy for another two or three years. I have not shared this with my BPD daughter (although I’m sure she knows) because her original desire for my wife to die still hurts deeply).

Despite the hurt, I recently reached out to her to let her know I was visiting her siblings and would like to see her and her son. She never responded but told her mother (my ex wife) that she had no desire to see me.

Hopefully this information answers the questions.asked.

[Great-Lakes-Mitt]

Regarding how my BPD daughter is doing now, I can only share what has been shared with me by her siblings and mother.

She has been seeing the same therapist for several years who basically suggests she remove herself from any negative relationship (rather than work on improving it). I believe she stays with this therapist because the therapist tells her what she wants to hear, not what she needs to hear.

She has been through several toxic relationships with men since her teenage years and has divorced once. She has attempted suicide several times, usually in response to some interaction with a boyfriend.

Any suggestion that she may be BPD or anything remotely close to mental illness is met with a very emotional and aggressive response.

That’s what has been shared with me and my perceptions on where she is mentally at this time.

[CC43]

Hi Mitt,

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.  Having to deal with a child with undiagnosed BPD while in the military must have been rough.  And now, your wife has been seriously ill.  It does seem like your BPD daughter hasn't accepted you marrying someone else, though her own mom is still in the picture and it's been 15 years.  Alas, pwBPD tend to hold onto grudges as if their life depends on it.  That actually may be the case, because they've created a narrative--an entire identity--around being victimized by "toxic" family members and boyfriends.

I wish I could say that things might get better between you and your daughter, but right now it seems she's determined not to have a relationship with you.  That may be her very misguided way of "punishing" you for "abandoning" her and marrying someone else.  If you spend some time reading these boards, you'll see that it's common for pwBPD to withhold contact with grandkids, as a form of control and/or punishment.  You'll also see that abandonment is a key trigger for pwBPD.

I guess the bright side is that you can keep tabs on your daughter and grandson through other members of the family.  Maybe they would be able to sense if there were any thawing of her feelings towards you, and that would be an opening to a potential reconciliation.  I guess if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't write letters, but I probably would continue to send her holiday and birthday cards, just standard ones with the normal greetings, so that she knows you still think about her and "include" her.  But I wouldn't expect any reply until she's ready, and I wouldn't be surprised if she threw out the cards without even opening them.  As for your grandchild, your daughter has asked you not to send him anything, not even cards, so my inclination would be to respect her wishes.  Nevertheless, I might suggest that you think about writing letters to your grandson (and maybe seeding a college fund), but holding them aside until your grandson reaches adulthood.

I'd also mention that in my experience with pwBPD/NPD, an illness can be triggering for them.  I suppose that's because attention is temporarily diverted away from them, and they might feel "abandoned" again, as well as worried that time/resources/concern/attention are being diverted away from them.  It's also possible that, because they are highly emotionally reactive, they feed on any negative emotions associated with illness--the pain, the stress, the uncertainty--it's highly unsettling for everyone, but super-sized for them.

I'll wrap up by saying that BPD isn't your fault, no matter how much your daughter tries to convince you otherwise.  I think many parents on these boards feel tremendous guilt, along with despair and grief.  I think you can let go of the guilt part.