Stopped suporting adult son - heartbroken

[IMS]

 :help:I have posted on this forum before and it's been a long and painful journey. I'd like to communicate with other parents who made the hearbreaking decision to stop support, against the most primal instinct of wanting to help, nurture and preserve their relationship with their adult child and "safe their life". After a period of homelessness of my DBPD son, 33 years old, I decided to give it one last shot. I invited him back home, cared for him, so I could support his recovery.  I did the Family Connections course, joined a mental health carer group and attended group meetings on-line. I thought I was well equipped to help him and hoped he would find his feet. Sadly he started self-medicating again and broke each single house rule. I made sure he has all he needed: medication, GP appointments, counselling, specialist Psychiatrist appointments. He flatly refused to attend counselling and continued a path of destruction, only a short time after he moved back home. There was a lot of aggression, name calling, yelling and sheer defiance. I had to live in fear of what could happen as his paranoia became really unbearable, his controlling behaviour and aggression. He became psychotic and I finally called for help. He was diagnosed with drug induced Psychosis for a second time and was in hospital for 2 weeks. This was an eye-opener for me. I tried to apply all I had learnt in my course but it didn't work. I realised that in the real world people would not tolerate his abusive behaviour and communicate with him as learnt in Family Connections. I saw that he wasn't getting better. He started to isolate himself more and had a hardly existing social life. Everything he did circled around people who could sell him what he needed. I again lost a lot of money, trying to help. When he was ready to leave hospital I was able to get him into a residential voluntary program. After a few days there he said he would not participate in activities. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. At the same time he is very scared of becoming homeless. He now has a case worker who can help him with homelessness, get him into more programs, to heal him, with an outlook to a better future. I had no choice but tell him that if he became homeless again, due to his poor behaviour I would not take him back, there would be no money or other supports from me. The pain I feel is sometimes unbearable but at the same time I'm feeling so happy home alone, without living in fear of what he might to next. His bad moods, his put-downs, his threats. I feel peace, I feel calm, I almost feel happy which makes me feel guilty again. I understand that logically I can no longer help him, enable his poor choices, bail him out, lose more money, put up with police turning up and much more. I think I chose myself this time. I'm just about to retire and was hoping to enjoy the third and last part of my life. He says I "made" him homeless. He cannot see the help I provided in getting him into a program. Is this guilt ever going to get better? In the last year I have definitely, un-knowingly lived in FOG, against my better judgement. I used to be so angry with myself for giving in time over again. Looking back over the last two years I acknowledge that I have made mistakes by giving in, ignoring his very poor behaviour and open display of anger, aggression and disrespect towards me. Please, if anyone in this forum has gone through a similar situation, how did you feel after some time passed? Did you ever become certain that stopping support was the best thing you had done? Did you ever feel whole again and were you able to start enjoying life again? My son said I made him like "this". He is talking of abuse, neglect which never ever happened. I have another adult child who is very supportive, hard working and grateful for what I have done for her. Thanks for reading this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome back.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I experienced the same thing almost ten years ago with my BPD daughter.

To answer your question, the pain did fade.  I never stopped worrying, but I finally got to the point where I understood that I was not in control and I had little influence over my kid's life.

You are 100% doing the right thing for one reason- it will eventually force your son to get help.  If he wants to be a druggie, let him live his life and see how it plays out.  That's fine because it's his choice.  Eventually he will realize that he can't survive like that and he will run out of couches to sleep on.

At the same time though, you're feeling guilt because you feel like it's your fault.  But it's not.  Your son chose to ignore your rules, to treat you badly.  That's all on him.  And you have to let that stuff go.

Of course he blames you, he's mentally ill and needs to blame anyone but himself.  But if his problems continue without you around, it could be what lets him discover the actual problem- himself.  He needs help...he refuses help.  That's just not a "you thing".  It's 100% his choice and you shouldn't feel guilty.

[CC43]

Hi IMS,

I think you have a good read on the situation--feeling as if in a FOG, and trying your hardest to help your son get back on track, but feeling devastated when he doesn't cooperate, while he blames you for all his problems.  I think these feelings are typical with an adult child with BPD, as well as with substance abuse.  The reality of the situation is that your son isn't ready to get help, and he won't get any better until he's ready.

Of course you tried to help your son by letting him back in your home, hoping that this time would be different, and I bet you had some basic rules in place:  no contraband (weapons, drugs), respect for others (no harassment, violence), maintaining cleanliness, possibly a curfew.  But your son isn't willing or able to comply.  He'll say you're too controlling, he's a man, he can do what he wants, and you're the reason for all his woes.  He breaks the simple rules, tensions mount, and you're forced either to live with his abuse, call the police or kick him out yourself.

But guess what?  Your house rules are basically the same ones he'd encounter at any homeless shelter.  You're not being unreasonable, he is.  Furthermore, chances are that homeless shelters are closed during the day, basically to force users to get out into the community, and maybe get some training or look for work.  Your house might be more lenient, allowing your son to sleep the day away.  And yet, he still accuses you of treating him badly!  I assure you, you're not the abuser, he is.

Look, if he can't learn from you the rules of basic civility, then maybe his only hope is to learn them in the real world.  Like Pook wrote, my guess is that he'll run out of couches to crash on eventually.  Think of it this way:  since you've given your son second, third and fourth chances, and he doesn't cooperate, then he's just not in a place where he can learn from you anymore.  If you bail him out again, what's really happening is you're prolonging his dysfunction.  He's 33, he still has a chance to turn things around.  I guess I'd advise, don't get in the way of that--unless he shows he's really committed to change for the better.

You deserve to have a life and be happy.  Please don't let your son destroy your life right along with his.  Based on what you've written, you've tried your absolute hardest to help him, but unfortunately he's not in a place to allow you to help.  That's on him, not you.  It is sad, I know.  Maybe when he's out on his own, he'll manage to pull his life together somehow.  And if he doesn't, maybe he hits bottom and finally is ready to get some professional help.

[CC43]

I invited him back home, cared for him, so I could support his recovery. . . .  I made sure he has all he needed: medication, GP appointments, counselling, specialist Psychiatrist appointments. . . . I was able to get him into a residential voluntary program. After a few days there he said he would not participate in activities.

PS,

I'm just highlighting the above to show how you're the one doing the work, not your son.  If your son really wanted to get help, he'd be the one to make the appointments, find the counselling and ask for the residential program.  Sure, you might help do some of the research and provide encouragement, but what stands out to me is that you're the one making all the effort.  And thus in my opinion, your son isn't interested in getting better, because he's content with the status quo, because it's working for him well enough.  He's probably OK with feeling miserable, because it's easier than making the effort to change.  But he'll guilt you into "helping" him, as long as he's allowed to maintain the status quo.  I bet he accepts your help as proof of your guilt for the abusive childhood he claims to have.  Does that make sense?

[IMS]

I'm so grateful for your replies, thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

And, yes: I've been doing all the work and he was just content to passively be part of the free ride. I also think I'm showing typical symptoms of abuse, second-guessing myself all the time, wondering if I reacted the correct way, if I was too harsh and not loving enough. After the second Psychosis things really changed. I saw how powerless I am. I spent 3 weeks before Christmas into the New Year in fear at home, due to his persecutory and paranoid behaviour. I reached a stage in my life where I knew I could no longer help him. On some days I wasn't even allowed to visit him in the mental health ward, due to his aggressive behaviour. Security guards were sitting close by to observe. The nursing staff were afraid for me. And then "I saw the light". I knew I wasn't going to live like this ever again. I'm prepared for the worst but still have a little bit of hope that in time he will seek help for himself. I don't know where he currently is but he was assigned a case worker. He is due for an interview for emergency accommodation after the residential program, which lasts up to 4 weeks. I know he went back to see his dangerous drug taking "associates". My guess is, he will end up on the street. I made it clear to him that I will withdraw ALL help, unless he does the right thing now. I will not buy him food, give him money or even talk to him, untill such time that I can see he is helping himself. Then I would consider meeting up in town and maybe have a meal together. He will never again stay at my home. On that note I'm ever so grateful to my daughter, that she had the paticence to support me, no matter what. Now it's her time and mine. Now we will enjoy being home without the huge burden of him terrorising our home and lives. I will need to learn to totally let go. When it gets dark out, my heart gets heavier and I do think of him and wonder if he has a bed to sleep on, or if he is out on the streets. I keep telling myself that I'm helping him get better but it is so hard. I love him so much. Having said that I somehow still think of him as a child, the cute smart boy I used to know. The generous boy who loved so deeply. But these days are gone. Self-medicating changed him into someone I don't really know. That is what I have to remind myself of. This is so hard to do, my heart is aching.

[ChoosingPeace]

I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much. You sound like an amazing, loving, supportive parent who did everything you possibly could, and then some, to help him.

He is an adult. My guess is you would never tolerate this behavior from someone else and if you saw someone you love being treated as you have you would tell them to walk away. My therapist pointed this out to me and told me that we have to extend the same kindness to ourselves. It was a huge wake up call.

I honestly believe that the only way someone like this will get better is to let them go. We can read all the books, find the best therapists and treatment centers, spend thousands of dollars on treatments and countless other forms of support, learn all the techniques and try to change ourselves for them, BUT it doesn’t help a person who is unwilling to see that they have a problem.

I’m currently NC with my child and as each day goes by it gets easier. There are still days that I get hit with grief and mourn the loss, but I know that if I want to have any peace I have to do this. My other children have suffered enough because of her and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.


I hope you can find the strength and support to do what’s best for you. Take good care of yourself!

[ChoosingPeace]

Now it's her time and mine. Now we will enjoy being home without the huge burden of him terrorising our home and lives. I will need to learn to totally let go. When it gets dark out, my heart gets heavier and I do think of him and wonder if he has a bed to sleep on, or if he is out on the streets. I keep telling myself that I'm helping him get better but it is so hard. I love him so much. Having said that I somehow still think of him as a child, the cute smart boy I used to know. The generous boy who loved so deeply. But these days are gone. Self-medicating changed him into someone I don't really know. That is what I have to remind myself of. This is so hard to do, my heart is aching.

It is so hard. You put into words exactly what it’s like. I’m so sorry you know this pain, too. It does get easier as time goes on, but I still get knocked down with grief some days. Allow yourself to grieve your little boy and all you’d hoped for. We love them so much, so of course we’re going to grieve their loss.
It’s all a part of this process, and I’m right there with you.