Do You Ever Wonder if You Are Borderline?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Matt and Hurting,

I totally feel your sentiment, I feel the same way most days. But I am trying to dig deeper into what made me susceptible to such manipulation. There is no doubt that we were victims of a deeply troubled predator who uses people to fulfill their own unfulfillable desires. I am good people, that is what made me such aninviting target for the emotional vampire. But good people don't put up with the level of drama, lies, manipulation, and cheating that we have all went through. If your answer to the question "why did you put up with this chaos?" Is instinctually "because I loved them", that is my starting point for realizing my own flaws that led me down the path to my BPD relationship. I realize now my answer wasn't "because I loved them" it was "because I wanted to be loved". Unpacking that answer takes time but at the core of this process is realizing that we are vulnerable to BPD people (and them to us at first) and we need to protect ourselves. Especially because they repeat the cycle and they destroy us.  Just a few thoughts. I too tire of labels at times but I was vulnerable to someone with BPD and I have promised myself to never put myself through that again. It is an unjust, uneven relationship that only ends on the Non's total destruction. Not for me. I'd rather watch soap operas on TV.

[marti644]

Matt and Hurting,

I totally feel your sentiment, I feel the same way most days. But I am trying to dig deeper into what made me susceptible to such manipulation. There is no doubt that we were victims of a deeply troubled predator who uses people to fulfill their own unfulfillable desires. I am good people, that is what made me such aninviting target for the emotional vampire. But good people don't put up with the level of drama, lies, manipulation, and cheating that we have all went through. If your answer to the question "why did you put up with this chaos?" Is instinctually "because I loved them", that is my starting point for realizing my own flaws that led me down the path to my BPD relationship. I realize now my answer wasn't "because I loved them" it was "because I wanted to be loved". Unpacking that answer takes time but at the core of this process is realizing that we are vulnerable to BPD people (and them to us at first) and we need to protect ourselves. Especially because they repeat the cycle and they destroy us.  Just a few thoughts. I too tire of labels at times but I was vulnerable to someone with BPD and I have promised myself to never put myself through that again. It is an unjust, uneven relationship that only ends on the Non's total destruction. Not for me. I'd rather watch soap operas on TV.

[marti644]

Once removed, of course I agree. The learning goes further than just calling a BPD-ex an emotional vampire of course. I shouldn't use this labels either it is not any more fair or less fair label than I could use against myself. I am trying to learn how to avoid these people,by finding the flaws that make me susceptible to them so I can have a healthy and real relationship.

But I am also not going to pretend that the abuse and cheating and lying was less that 80% if not more of the problem. My issues are my issues but they pale in comparison to the sickness and toxicity of someone with BPD.

While I am still learning alot about what is wrong with me as a rescuer and my own core injuries from childhood and the way I dealt with specific situations as well as a keener eye for learning about avoiding people with BPD, I am not going to take 50% blame for the crazy making or lies.

It simply defies logic for me to take responsibility for that much of what happened. But I am learning. Trust me when I say I am gonna be super super super cautious I'm future relationships. This can never happen again. I would rather be alone forever than deal with this situation. Twice in a lifetime is enough.

[marti644]

Once removed, you've given me lots to think about thank you! I definitely don't feel like a victim, although I definitely was wronged in the way I was abused. But I concur on the hyper vigilance thing, I really need to avoid those trust issues.

[marti644]

Reforming,

Great post and I agree with everything you said.

I think the issue Matt might be getting across is something I have been thinking about alot on this forum.

Just like the BPD's we are discussing all of us also fall along a spectrum. Some of us are better at putting up boundaries around certain things and not others. Some of us probably were just being nice and there were no strings attached. It depends on a variety of complex factors that only we know.

For example I was very good about not falling for her jealousy games as I do not have trust issues about cheating, and never gave her money even though she always said I was "cheap" (I made sure we always paid for half of everything on principle). On the emotional side I was a total failure. She made a concerted campaign to attack my work ethic (I work to hard because I am greedy), my relationships with other friends (who are just using me), and questioning my ability to function in the future in a marriage (all her projections of course now that I know about BPD).

My BPD-ex was really sick. She cheated, she lied, and she tried to make me think I was crazy. She didn't succeed and I am proud that I had the self-confidence to walk away even though I thought I loved her dearly (I say thought there because I am reevaluating what my conception of love is after all I have learned about my own issues).

I stand by the label "emotional vampire" I wrote above and hope that I never come into a relationship with someone with BPD again. I can have sympathy but it will be from miles away. Not my mission in life, all the power to those who can stomach it.

Now to take ownership. In some of these situations, including mine, I was, as Reforming was saying, in a relationship where I could always be in a "one-up" position. In fact my three serious relationship in adulthood all were like this and my partners all had various PD's that I was trying to "fix".

But this gets me thinking about my intentions. And I don't like what I think. What kind of sick person picks people that they think they are better than so that they can feel safe? Sick. Oh wait that's me. It's like purposely picking a puppy from the pet store with a limp so you can always be sure that it will never run faster than you.

Alot of self-reflecting at the colossal failure and pain of this relationship with my BPD-ex has pushed me out of the pattern. I am excited to understand myself better and I feel like this is a critical turning point in my self-development. Such freedom.

And I understand the points you are trying to get across onceremoved. I know the moderators are here to try to see us reflect on are own part of our relationship to help is get back up on our feet. Because we cannot get closure from our exes we need to find closure with ourselves. That is the only way to detach.
 

[Reforming]

Hi Marti,

My ex did a lot of crazy things in my relationship too. I didn't bring them up in my post because I was trying to focus on my own behaviour not hers.

She was deeply resistant to taking responsibility for her own behaviour and she repeatedly blamed me and our relationship for any problems.

I think this was one of the most frustrating and invalidating parts of our relationship. I felt like it was impossible to confront any problem. She avoided therapy and when we did finally go to couple counselling she didn't engage.

I realise there were reasons for this and I did some of this too by focussing too much on her issues.

I think my boundaries were definitely stronger at the beginning of my relationship but the they broke down over time. This can easily happen.

One of my friends used a similar term to emotional vampire to describe my ex. I don't see her that way. I think I now have a much better idea of what drove her behaviour. That doesn't mean I excuse or condone it but I can see it as part of our shared dynamic.

The big question for me was why was I there and why did I stay so long?

Finding answers helped me become more self aware.

Recognising that we have our own issues is healthy and empowering. The next step for me was to try and change my thinking and my behaviour. I wanted to avoid making the same mistakes again.

My experience has been that seeing myself as sick or defective didn't help.  I was drawn to relationships where there was inequality, where I felt safe because part of me felt small and vulnerable. That needed attention - no punishment.

I found that self acceptance, self forgiveness, and compassion are the best tools for sustaining change and growth. You need them because change inevitably involves failure and set backs. In order to persist you needs to nurture yourself with kindness and realistic expectations. I feel I have a long way to go but it's definitely worthwhile.

Good luck

Reforming