Try #2 - Difficult Turn in a 6 year relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi y'all,

Last time I posted, people mostly got caught up talking about my use of the term 'quiet BPD', which was helpful to think about, but I'm still needing for some feedback on more urgent areas of my situation:

I should've shared that I've had 4 or so nervous breakdowns in the last couple of months - I guess that'd be the term for them? Maybe it's not kosher to say on this forum, as I know we should be trying to use our skills to navigate conflict, but I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I decided to find another place to live for a month, to hope that the distance will give me clarity and save my mental health. We've tried breaks in the past, and during those, I felt pretty sure that I wanted to find a way back to being present in our relationship. This time around though, I am really scared for my health. I felt like hurting myself in one breakdown, just to show how much pain I was in. I did not, but it worries me to realize that hospitalization/an inpatient program may be my only option, if I don't figure something else out. I feel all I can do is protect myself from another collapse by removing myself.

I communicated my decision to live elsewhere for a month to my partner, and she heard it out. We pretended that the cause of my breakdowns is mysterious, although somehow related to our dynamic (to me it's not a mystery, though I'm definitely not totally clear on why things are happening so strongly now). In short, I don't know if I can come back to our relationship after the break. What kind of considerations did y'all undertake to really assess for yourself whether to stay in a relationship (we are married 4 years, without kids, but I'm financially unstable currently)? And I know I'm hurting her by leaving for a while, but I feel it's the best choice - is this reasonable to do?

Thank you kindly to you helpful strangers out there, as always.

[DesertDreamer]

Hi y'all,

Last time I posted, people mostly got caught up talking about my use of the term 'quiet BPD', which was helpful to think about, but I'm still needing for some feedback on more urgent areas of my situation:

I should've shared that I've had 4 or so nervous breakdowns in the last couple of months - I guess that'd be the term for them? Maybe it's not kosher to say on this forum, as I know we should be trying to use our skills to navigate conflict, but I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I decided to find another place to live for a month, to hope that the distance will give me clarity and save my mental health. We've tried breaks in the past, and during those, I felt pretty sure that I wanted to find a way back to being present in our relationship. This time around though, I am really scared for my health. I felt like hurting myself in one breakdown, just to show how much pain I was in. I did not, but it worries me to realize that hospitalization/an inpatient program may be my only option, if I don't figure something else out. I feel all I can do is protect myself from another collapse by removing myself.

I communicated my decision to live elsewhere for a month to my partner, and she heard it out. We pretended that the cause of my breakdowns is mysterious, although somehow related to our dynamic (to me it's not a mystery, though I'm definitely not totally clear on why things are happening so strongly now). In short, I don't know if I can come back to our relationship after the break. What kind of considerations did y'all undertake to really assess for yourself whether to stay in a relationship (we are married 4 years, without kids, but I'm financially unstable currently)? And I know I'm hurting her by leaving for a while, but I feel it's the best choice - is this reasonable to do?

Thank you kindly to you helpful strangers out there, as always.