Try #2 - Difficult Turn in a 6 year relationship

[DesertDreamer]

Hi y'all,

Last time I posted, people mostly got caught up talking about my use of the term 'quiet BPD', which was helpful to think about, but I'm still needing for some feedback on more urgent areas of my situation:

I should've shared that I've had 4 or so nervous breakdowns in the last couple of months - I guess that'd be the term for them? Maybe it's not kosher to say on this forum, as I know we should be trying to use our skills to navigate conflict, but I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I decided to find another place to live for a month, to hope that the distance will give me clarity and save my mental health. We've tried breaks in the past, and during those, I felt pretty sure that I wanted to find a way back to being present in our relationship. This time around though, I am really scared for my health. I felt like hurting myself in one breakdown, just to show how much pain I was in. I did not, but it worries me to realize that hospitalization/an inpatient program may be my only option, if I don't figure something else out. I feel all I can do is protect myself from another collapse by removing myself.

I communicated my decision to live elsewhere for a month to my partner, and she heard it out. We pretended that the cause of my breakdowns is mysterious, although somehow related to our dynamic (to me it's not a mystery, though I'm definitely not totally clear on why things are happening so strongly now). In short, I don't know if I can come back to our relationship after the break. What kind of considerations did y'all undertake to really assess for yourself whether to stay in a relationship (we are married 4 years, without kids, but I'm financially unstable currently)? And I know I'm hurting her by leaving for a while, but I feel it's the best choice - is this reasonable to do?

Thank you kindly to you helpful strangers out there, as always.

[Pook075]

Hey Desert!  I'm sorry things have not improved at home and it's a good thing that you're making positive steps to begin healing.

I feel like this is so much more simple than you're giving it credit for- something is happening to you medically and it's tied to stress, anxiety, possibly depression, etc.  Stress is one of the biggest "killers" in US society leading to heart attacks, strokes, hypertension, obesity, alcoholism and drug use, etc.

So my first question would be if you've seen your primary doctor and had bloodwork taken?  They might also recommend a stress test.  You're dealing with something physical and it needs to be properly evaluated.

Next, let's talk about the mental aspects.  Stress comes from our viewpoints and ability to handle stress.  What are you doing (other than moving) to put yourself in a better mindset?  Have you considered therapy?  What about daily hobbies and activities; what are you doing to get through the day?

I know you mentioned that you're not financially stable at the moment, so doctor visits and therapy may sound prohibitive.  But the changes in your life must come from you personally...nobody else can do it for you.

Now, I know I've danced around your actual question- how do you know whether to stay or leave the relationship?  That's for you to decide and we can't help there.  But I will say that regardless of anything else, your health HAS TO come before work, relationship, activities, etc.  You HAVE TO place yourself first and actually begin to recover physically and mentally. 

That should always come before the relationship part.

One last thing though, if you're having physical or mental struggles, that should always come first to your partner as well.  And if that's not their priority, then you already have your answer for right now.  Maybe that changes in a week, a month, etc.  But for today, you need distance and you need healing.

[ForeverDad]

I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I truly believe my persistent metabolic imbalance syndrome, admittedly more common across the world in recent years, was worsened by the final years of my doomed marriage.  Having a child together triggered her FOO fears terribly but the sum total of her devastating actions and accusations was just too much for me.

Looking back, the year before our marriage imploded is when my doctor warned me I was becoming pre-diabetic and it has worsened over the years.  I'm the only one among my relatives so afflicted... and the only one with a BPD ex.  I believe the long term stress was a factor.

I recall in the months of our separation I tried to work it out with her.  We had protection orders against each other so I only saw her at court hearings.  With the lawyers present, I asked her whether we could reconcile and she just just turned away.  As I look back, I can see that I realized my limits.  I proceeded with the divorce.  Partly for myself but also for our preschooler.  I'll emphasize this:

But I will say that regardless of anything else, your health HAS TO come before work, relationship, activities, etc.  You HAVE TO place yourself first and actually begin to recover physically and mentally.

[DesertDreamer]

Next, let's talk about the mental aspects.  Stress comes from our viewpoints and ability to handle stress.  What are you doing (other than moving) to put yourself in a better mindset?  Have you considered therapy?  What about daily hobbies and activities; what are you doing to get through the day?

I know you mentioned that you're not financially stable at the moment, so doctor visits and therapy may sound prohibitive.  But the changes in your life must come from you personally...nobody else can do it for you.

Hi, and thank you to the responders. I live in Europe at the moment, so I'm able to get healthcare and I did actually find a therapist who I've been seeing for a month already. Tomorrow I go to the doctor because I haven't been able to kick a cough, but I'm going to bring up the stress test too. Thank you for the idea.

I agree that the best thing I can do, and really the only thing, is focus on my mental and physical health, as I feel like I'm falling apart. This will be my main objective for the coming month. I hope to also be able to consider whether or not I can withstand this relationship in the long run, but I won't push myself to do so. How I get through the day is a tougher question... I go to yoga 2-3 times a week and I'm in a choir. Those things are all nice, but I'm unemployed and job searching, which is pretty tough in all this. I'm definitely at least moderately depressed, and I'm experiencing a lot of grief and isolation as I move through this.

[Pook075]

Hi, and thank you to the responders. I live in Europe at the moment, so I'm able to get healthcare and I did actually find a therapist who I've been seeing for a month already. Tomorrow I go to the doctor because I haven't been able to kick a cough, but I'm going to bring up the stress test too. Thank you for the idea.

I agree that the best thing I can do, and really the only thing, is focus on my mental and physical health, as I feel like I'm falling apart. This will be my main objective for the coming month. I hope to also be able to consider whether or not I can withstand this relationship in the long run, but I won't push myself to do so. How I get through the day is a tougher question... I go to yoga 2-3 times a week and I'm in a choir. Those things are all nice, but I'm unemployed and job searching, which is pretty tough in all this. I'm definitely at least moderately depressed, and I'm experiencing a lot of grief and isolation as I move through this.

When my BPD marriage started to fall apart, I was exactly the same way.  I took up a mantra though that "this too shall pass."  I reminded myself every day that what I felt was only for right now, it's not for forever.  And then I just got through my day the best I could.

Yoga is great....but hopefully you're going somewhere for it and not staying home alone.  The choir is also awesome since it's community.  Lean on that as much as you can.  Get out and about as much as possible, even if it's just going for a 20 minute walk or something like that.  Exercise is obviously a big benefit physically, but it also releases chemicals that help our mental health as well.

What not to do- too much "alone time" watching TV or sitting home on a phone or computer enhances depression.  So you've got to get moving doing anything.  When I went through that, I volunteered at a local pet shelter and I actually really enjoyed helping the animals and having some responsibility (I lost my job as well).

I hope that helps and please keep talking this out...even if it's just a rant.  It's good to get things off your chest and you won't be judged here.