What is the secret to stop being attacked?

[SuperDaddy]

When living apart, is it possible to end the relationship conflict with your BPD partner? I mean, is it possible to stop being verbally attacked and devalued?

I'm intrigued with this because Pook075 said (in another thread) that he succeeded in doing that with 3 different people that have BPD: ex-wife, daughter, and "best friend's little sister." In the case of an intimate partner, it would be harder, but can the same approach work?

Pook075 said the drama ends as soon as they figure out that "you are always there for them." But obviously this is not enough, because this was already a true fact during his marriage and also in Rowdy's marriage, but both of them got devalued and left by their partners anyway (as they said in the thread).

So I was thinking maybe the trick to getting along with someone with BPD is to never exhibit any emotion that is negative and indicates the lack of acceptance or approval of something about them (their behavior, their choices, their thoughts, etc.) or can be interpreted in that way. Here are a few examples I made:

- I am tired of this behavior of yours. (not accepting something about their behavior)
- Can't you just admit that you have lied? (not accepting the lie and the lack of disclosure)
- You are making our kid watch too much screen. (not accepting the choices)
- You are freaking out all the time! You are a strange person, aren't you? (not approving the overreactions)

So is this about the concept of "radical acceptance"?

But you know, we can't accept everything. There are things that are completely unacceptable, such as cheating or doing something that is dangerous for the kids. Is it possible to reframe anything that we don't accept/approve in a way that won't trigger them? Should we just shut up for a while and wait for our negative emotion to disappear before talking?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy,

I would also like to know the answer to this question.

I can only tell you from my own experience that it wasn't enough to always be there for him.

I never used phrases like the ones you listed either. In the initial co-dependency phase, I tried to please him in every way and would not have spoken to him like that.

Later, when I'd really had enough, I had already read/heard so much about BPD and NPD that I knew validation and non-violent communication were the better options.

The fact was that this couldn't stop the outbursts.

In the last nine months of the relationship, I even asked artificial intelligence for help in critical situations when exchanging text messages, asking for the best possible, most empathetic and validating response, but one that was calm and clearly setting boundaries at the same time.

An example of a response I gave after distorted facts, blame shifting and accusations came up: ‘Xy, I have read what you wrote and I can see that you are very upset. At the same time, I stand by what I said: I cannot take responsibility for something that is not mine.’

This was followed by a complete break in contact after further accusations.

I have also added the following to such responses: ‘... We can now take a 30-minute break and continue writing when we have calmed down.’

That did not help either.

A therapist once said that in such moments, the old trauma is triggered too strongly and without the tools they would learn in therapy, they have no chance of calming themselves down.
Their nervous system is in survival mode and clear thinking is no longer possible. They feel like the helpless child again.

I am curious to hear what experiences others have had!

[SuperDaddy]

Hi hiiumaa ,

Thanks for your response. So you have never criticized, rejected, or disapproved of anything about him? And you tried to avoid saying no?

An example of a response I gave after distorted facts, blame shifting and accusations came up: ‘Xy, I have read what you wrote and I can see that you are very upset. At the same time, I stand by what I said: I cannot take responsibility for something that is not mine.’

This was followed by a complete break in contact after further accusations.

I'm curious, what was he asking you? Did he want you to stay in your place or store something there so that he would have an excuse to go to your place frequently?

In all of my relationships, whenever I need to say NO and put limits, I do it firmly, even in the beginning of the relationship. I think that has been helpful in a way, but saying no when they are dysregulated is a problem. Maybe the problem is within the emotion we feel when we say it? Maybe saying no when feeling empathy would work? I know we can't just turn a switch and choose our emotions, but just saying.

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy,

That's interesting. When you say that you said no clearly from the outset in your relationships, does that mean that your partners knew that about you from the start?

For a while, I had the theory that a ‘no’ from me became increasingly difficult for him to tolerate over the course of the relationship because I was so co-dependent at the beginning and really went out of my way to please him and avoid dysregulation at all costs, and only started to set boundaries over time – and this boundary setting was simply unfamiliar to him.

Just to mention it: trying to please him didn't help either. He still became dysregulated – because it could also have been the outside world that triggered him and I was only being used by him to regulate his emotions.

To answer your question: no, I never criticised him and I also made a conscious effort not to use ‘you’ messages.

But of course I had to say no from time to time. For example, when he wanted to meet up with me at a time when I simply couldn't because I had to be there for my son or had an important appointment, etc. That was enough to make him feel rejected. And no matter how lovingly and compassionately I told him that I knew it made him sad and that I myself thought it was a shame, but that it couldn't be changed and we would make up for it, it didn't help.

Weeks later, he often told me the exact wording of HOW I should have communicated my rejection or my ‘no’ to him, and every time I felt really cheated because I had said it almost exactly that way. BUT - in his dysregulated state, it clearly did not come across that way to him.

The situation in which I gave him the above answer was after he got drunk on New Year's Eve. Since he is a binge drinker and I have already experienced bad situations with him when he is drunk, I communicated to him a long time ago that I would have no contact with him as long as I could not be sure that he was sober. I need a clear, honest statement from him: ‘I'm sober again.’ He knows that.
Nevertheless, he contacted me drunk on New Year's Eve via text and tried to call me. I did not respond and stuck to my boundary.
After that, he sent me photos and jokes for days and wished me a happy new year. I replied to every message with my standard text saying that I cannot have any contact if I cannot be sure that he is sober. I wanted to signal to him that I am there, but that he has to position himself for any exchange.

This caused him to freak out and shift the blame: I had withdrawn over Christmas, he had had crises that I hadn't responded to (I didn't know anything about this because HE had withdrawn over Christmas), HE had contacted me on New Year's Eve, but I hadn't contacted him (of course not – he was drunk and my boundaries apply)...


I haven't yet had a situation where he left things at my place and wanted to use that as an excuse to come over to me. But I have had a situation where he wrote to me saying that he had gastroenteritis and was feeling sooo ill, and he wanted me to drive the 50 km to him IMMEDIATELY, even though he knew full well that I couldn't because of other commitments that day. I didn't have a car that day either because it was in the garage. I had already texted him early in the morning that I would cook him some soup and bring it to him first thing the next morning.

So he knew I was thinking of him and cared about him, and I told him that he could of course call me in an emergency and we would find a solution.

I wrote to him in an incredibly loving and empathetic way, saying that I could imagine he was feeling awful.

It didn't help. He insulted me, accused me, played the poor victim that nobody loves... He didn't want the soup anymore, and he didn't want me to visit him the next day either. Instead, he started drinking.

To be honest, I don't think you can counteract a dysregulated state if it was a strong trigger.

Maybe someone else has had different experiences. I'm curious to hear about them!

[hiiumaa]

SuperDaddy, something just occurred to me: he took a certain antidepressant for a few months. During that time, it was sometimes possible to catch him! He was in a completely different mood, with significantly less tension in his body. It was really noticeable.
Unfortunately, his doctor switched him to a different medication at some point because it allegedly caused abnormalities in his ECG. Since then, everything has been back to normal and he is impossible to catch when the dysregulation starts.

[ForeverDad]

Likely neither you nor I nor many here ever had a realistic ability to stop the pattern of attacks (outbursts).

While that sinks in, we do have practical tools, communication skills, time-tested strategies, and more to help us address the other person's outbursts, rants and rages.  One approach may work for a while, until it doesn't.  Then other approaches can be included.  And so on.

Some of us have had people with BPD traits (pwBPD) that were relatively mild.  Perhaps described as quiet Borderlines.  They probably are more receptive and responsive to long term therapy.  Our better boundaries and communication skills may help, distance apart may help, meds may help, but the key is focused therapy.  And not just for the other, we too can benefit from therapy.  Partly it is us finding ways to address the issues better but in the final analysis it's in the other's hands as to whether they will face their core issues and truly seek recovery.  (And some therapists don't even try to name a disorder or name the therapy since even that can trigger denial and resistance.)

I hope that's the case because some who arrive here don't stay long enough or return to share their long term outcomes.

Just as all the members here can't be lumped into one neat category, the same goes for our loved ones, none of us have identical personalities.

[Rowdy]

“But you know, we can't accept everything. There are things that are completely unacceptable, such as cheating or doing something that is dangerous for the kids. Is it possible to reframe anything that we don't accept/approve in a way that won't trigger them? Should we just shut up for a while and wait for our negative emotion to disappear before talking?“

Hi SuperDaddy. No, this is a bad move IMO. As you mentioned, I was discarded. There were behaviours that I wanted to discuss with my wife but didn’t, because I knew it would trigger her. Maybe if I had a discussion with her then the outcome would have been different….. who knows.

What I will say from my own personal experience and other peoples accounts on here, is that changing your approach after being in a relationship for a significant amount of time is going to change their perspective. I would never question her behaviour, or pick an argument or say anything that could trigger her for probably the last decade of our relationship, but if she wanted to start an argument she would bring up any possible slight I’d said against her 20 years ago. If I’d done something she didn’t like even before we were in a relationship that could be brought up. Or if she perceived I looked at her funny, or if I’d breathed out slightly louder than normal, if I’d slightly raised an eyebrow, or rolled my eyes.

Once in that zone, I don’t think there is anything you can do to stop the drama until it has been played out in their own head.

[Rowdy]

*is NOT going to change their perspective*

[SuperDaddy]

Ok, I'll try to answer my own question.

Yes, communication is important. By constantly suppressing ourselves from speaking to them (as an attempt to avoid their outburst), we end up having collateral effects that will tend to damage the relationship.

I agree with all of you that it is usually impossible to counteract a dysregulated state (as hiiumaa said), and over time they may develop a hyper-triggering state in which it is impossible not to trigger them (as Rowdy said). However, if we take action to break the cycle before irreversible damage takes place, then the interaction can completely shift, giving new hope for the relationship.

The way you can break the cycle is to remove yourself from the interaction in a way that makes the interaction conditional (e.g., you will not interact if you feel like they are being disrespectful in any manner). In my case, I was being persecuted all day long, so I had to stop living with her. For those that don't work from home and have a bigger house, they may manage to mostly avoid their partner when needed while still living together. Though communication should still exist.

For those who already live apart and still get pushed away even when using the tools (such as hiiumaa), the situation is harder. Because the pwBPD is in a more difficult state. But it doesn't mean that it would be impossible to relate to that person. It's just harder.

It is important that we have the emotional strength and resilience needed to take the lead in the relationship. Then, for being admired as their strong figure, we may influence them and guide the pwBPD into treatment. But all of that are traits that those with codependency will have difficulty expressing. Allowing the pwBPD to take the lead in the relationship is a doomer.

In my case, moving apart did break the cycle. Over the 5 days after moving out, she still did some minor attacks on me, and I have listed some of them below:

- "I already apologized for that, because I'm not like you (Arrogant)."
- "So stop doing NONSENSE!"
- "You don't like anyone, you only like yourself."
- "What's your problem? Have you always been this arrogant?"

I know those were very minor offenses, but they came unexpectedly. After so much time taking it, I got to a point of zero tolerance. But I feel like she is still getting used to the new setting, in which I can effectively ignore the drama, and it just moves me away. So I think she is lowering the tone and being "domesticated."

The fact that she got the diagnosis recently is also helpful, because now she understands that her close relationships would not be chaotic if she didn't have that disorder. She told me that her mother keeps triggering her, but she isn't reacting. She said that she is treating her mom with dear.

She has already scheduled the first DBT session, and we will try a medication that targets the EOS. According to one study, it seems like this is the only medication that is effective to help with BPD symptoms. It's not a controlled study, but for me it's a great finding.

And hiiumaa ...

When he says he wanted you to drive into his place "IMMEDIATELY", I think this was actually an EOS emergency. And since you didn't fix it for him, he medicated himself with alcohol. When you begin to understand how the underactive EOS makes them act in those ways, it begins to make sense.

He probably feels like it's unfair to keep yourself away every time he is "medicating himself". I'd rather change the naming of this boundary so that he understands that it's about the aggressiveness that emerges from a drunk state and not just the drinking itself.

[Lauters]

The trick is trying not to enter into the Karpman triangle drama game. There exists a lot of literature about this, it's very easy to find. Personnaly, I read 'The Karpman triangle explained' from Chris West, and 'How to break free of the drama triangle and victim consciousness' written by Weinhold & Weinhold. We all do drama, we learned it from our education. We see it on TV (e.g. sit-coms are based on this priciple). But BPD-persons are experts in this game. They start blaming you, i.e. the 'game invitation' (BPD =  persecutor, and you the 'victim'), and if you react the wrong way, a switch will happen, turning you into the persecutor and the BPD becoming the victim. According to Weinhold & Weinhold, we all tend towards the 'victim' corner of the triangle (but not all experts agree on this view): we get things done without having to ask for it. And BPD-persons love to be the victim: that leaves you being the persecutor or the rescuer (the third angle of the triangle).
Since I read these books, I became more aware of the dynamics that play a role in communication. I try not to respond to these 'game invitations' anymore. And that helps a lot. I still have to figure out how to proceed in a more effective way, but not saying anything and listening seems to work most of the times. As is stated in literature, if the R&B (raging & blaming) stays underneath a 5/10 (on a scale with 10 being the worse situation possible), there is a fair chance to get the BPD-person to calm down again. One of the replies you can use is 'what do you expect from me'? By not responding to their game invitations, you might stay under the violance limit of 5, and get back to normal more often than was the case.
I hope this is of any help. 

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Lauters ,

Thanks, I think this is helpful, but this is not enough to deal with partners that have BPD.

The need to be a rescuer or persecutor is something that will drag us deep into the drama and may keep us stuck in the dysfunctional relationship. But I think most of us don't have this intrinsic need, and yet there the person with BPD will find other ways of pulling us into the drama.


For many of us, like me, it's more about seeing a big problem in our partner and trying to fix it. That's why autistic people are drawn to BPD partners. Because autistic people like puzzles and like to solve problems, and BPD partners are real puzzles and look like problems to be solved. I'm not autistic, but that applies to me. At least I gave up on solving it by myself, as I now rely on professionals and hopefully an effective prescription drug to "fix" her.

For instance, with my first wife, things were calm most of the time, so I was happy in not having anything to fix. Then, as she developed postpartum psychosis, I tried to fix it for some time, but soon I gave up because I couldn't help and I wasn't attracted to her anymore.

In my current relationship, however, it's different because I like her more, so she is worth fixing. It's not because I want to be a rescuer. It's because I still see hope in her. And after she is fixed, she will be able to function and work, which will already be great. And then I might even bring her back home, but I don't need to.


But I don't think that the desire to fix them, on its own, will pull us into the drama. I think we get the drama when either:

1) We have expectations of them that aren't met, from our perspective
2) They have expectations of us that aren't met, from their perspective
3) We live together and are always available as a drama target

So even we who don't have the need to be a rescuer or prosecutor may get pulled into the drama simply because we have expectations about our partner. The conflict may be inevitable just for the fact that we expect something from them. When you expect intimacy, closeness, attention, consideration, faithfulness, etc., then those expectations of yours may be used by them to create drama. Especially after you build a family and have kids, because then you'll develop many more expectations about your partner. Your expectations will always be your vulnerability to their need to create drama.

So since someone with BPD will never be able to reliably fulfill your expectations, I think it's only feasible to have a drama-less relationship with a person with BPD when:

a) You aren't expecting anything from them (perhaps they aren't your intimate partner anymore)
b) You are fulfilling all of their expectations of you
c) You don't live together


For instance, in the beginning of my relationship with my current wife, she made huge efforts to drive me jealous. She wanted to have the upper hand in our relationship, but not just that, she wanted drama. Since I didn't know her well, I avoided all drama and tried to just observe, but she kept feeding into it with lies and created a very unpleasant feeling in me that I couldn't trust her because she lied so much, so I kept questioning her about it and even used a lie detector. So I inevitably fed into her drama because I had the need to know the truth. Currently I know her well and don't fall for it, but we are now a family, so she still has other sources to create drama if she wants, as I still have some expectations of her in regard to the kids at least.

So I'm trying to eliminate all of my remaining expectations of her. I got to a point at which I feel better with her around. And every time she tries to create drama, I step back. And since she wants to restore our relationship, she is making an effort to avoid drama. At the same time, I try to provide her with love, which will reinforce positive interactions. That can work because love is a positive form of stimulating their endogenous opioid system.

But eventually I get frustrated with something, and I show some negative emotion, and then it doesn't work.

Does all of what I said make sense for everyone?

[Pook075]

Sorry I just saw this thread; I didn't get online at all this past weekend.

Think about this- at the heart of it all, you want to stop the conflict between you and your wife.  But what is conflict?

I'm not trying to be philosophical here.  Let's go deeper than that and be completely honest with each other.  How does the conflict start?  What is the catalyst?  Is it words exchanged...or familiar habits...where does conflict actually come from?

Most of us will say something like, "Well, she did this so I did that.  Then she got mad and said this...and then I got mad and she threw something at me."

That's what happened during the conflict, but it's not what actually caused it all to begin with.

Here's the thing- what happened doesn't matter.  Who started it doesn't matter.  Who was right or wrong doesn't matter.  The thing that actually matters is identifying what started the conflict and changing that one thing.

You're right, this is a form of radical acceptance.  I choose not to fight with my BPD ex, my BPD kid, their BPD family, and others.  I just won't do it, no matter what, because I know that there's nothing to gain.  Even if I'm 100% right and they're 100% wrong, fighting over it makes everyone lose just the same.

So I've accepted something greater than that.  I love those people and I'm not going to fight with them.  If they're upset, I'll lift them up if possible, and if it doesn't happen then I'll back away while extending grace.  I try not to judge them because I know what it's like to be upset over something.

MY BPD daughter, for instance, I'll love her no matter what she says or does.  That doesn't mean I agree with her decisions or support the things she does that puts her in danger, but she knows how I feel and I share my opinions sparingly (mainly when asked). 

That means we don't have to argue over that stuff anymore, we can skip those topics entirely most of the time, because that's no longer a dynamic of our relationship.  And at times, yes, I completely mess up and GO OFF on her when she's particularly reckless.  So this isn't about me being perfect either.  It's just not the thing that dominates our relationship anymore because my kid does not feel judged by me.

Right now, she's mad at me because of a repo she got a few years back because she wants to refinance.  She's mad because she expected me to swoop in and fix it, even though I wasn't financially able at the time.  And you know what, that's okay.  We don't live together and I don't have to be her best friend daily.  So I'm giving her ample space to figure this out on her own, but at the same time I still check in frequently over winter weather, etc. 

If she doesn't answer, then so be it...I accept that she's mentally ill and has to work through this on her own.  I'm perfectly content with her being mad at me (for something she did) because she has to process this herself.  I could demand an apology (which I'll never get) and suddenly, we're in the middle of a conflict that nobody can win.  I choose to skip all of that and just let her do her own thing until we speak again...and our relationship has never been better.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Pook075 , and thanks for showing up. I was waiting for you 

Ok, but what you said is slightly different from what I asked in the thread topic. You are talking about how to avoid conflict, with conflict being defined as a hostile interaction, right?

But if it is a one-sided confrontation, with only them trying to confront us, isn't that enough to push them away and hurt the relationship? That's what I thought when I asked about "how to stop being attacked."

So it brings up the question: is it impossible to prevent them from becoming angry/hostile, or is there always something in our words that has lead them to take that path?

To answer this question, I have copied and pasted into ChatGPT a few of our text interactions that didn't go well, one interaction at a time. I asked if that was a conflict and if I had done anything that fed into the problem. To my surprise, the AI convinced me that I made many mistakes (wordings that fed into conflict). That's an advantage of using text.

Have you tried that, hiiumaa ?

Now I'm thinking, how hard it is to avoid being "negative" in our words while our emotions are negative? 

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy and Pook075,

I'm going to include both of you in this. I find this exchange very fascinating right now.

Even though you, Pook075, didn't quite answer SuperDaddy's question, the strategy you describe is a good one. I remember reading about it elsewhere.
However, I keep running into the problem with my partner that he sees ‘backing away’ as a total disaster and then freaks out even more. He can't recognise or accept (or both) that I'm doing this to protect myself, but sees it as not being loved/being abandoned. But he also doesn't see that communication is no longer possible in the current situation because of his outbursts.

How do your BPD family members react when you withdraw? Do they see it as abandonment? Can you describe this situation in detail when you withdraw?

For example, I announce it: ‘XY, I can see that you are very angry. Please calm down, otherwise I will withdraw until tomorrow morning for self-protection.’ But that leads to a total outburst of anger and, in most cases, a break in contact for a long time.

SuperDaddy, do you have any examples of this wording that Chat GPT didn't like? And did the AI give you any alternative suggestions?

I have already used Chat GPT to get suggestions on how to respond to certain text messages that I knew in advance would be VERY sensitive and lead to conflict if I wasn't extremely careful. But even with Chat GPT's help, it escalated every time. And I asked the AI to phrase it in a particularly validating, empathetic and clear way. I even told the AI the whole history of the relationship beforehand so that it was clear what a powder keg this relationship is. Nevertheless, it was not possible to avert the conflict.

However, the AI also repeatedly emphasises that, according to the description, my partner is particularly dependent on mirroring and control, especially when he feels hurt, ashamed or criticised, and that he simply cannot recognise withdrawal as self-protection on my part, but rather as a withdrawal of love or an attack. And that, unfortunately, he also cannot tolerate radical acceptance because he is practically incapable of integrating responsibility for his behaviour and ALWAYS has to shift it onto others (in this case, onto me). The AI always describes my partner's dysregulation as a ‘system error’ that I cannot fix.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi hiiumaa ,

The AI chatbots are very agreeable. So if they sense that you feel trapped, they will tend to validate that by stating that there is nothing you can do to make it work.

What I suggested is to copy-paste a long interaction. Just make sure that the AI can understand who's writing each sentence. Then ask the AI to evaluate your part of the interaction and if you did contribute to the conflict or not, and if you could have done better. Don't give it a background of the relationship because this will likely introduce bias in the AI's response, but you can briefly clarify the context in which the conversation happened.

Partners with BPD are experts in getting on our nerves. And when they succeed, even slightly, it becomes hard for us to notice our negativity slipping into our words. But according to the AI, I don't have to fake emotions. I can be cold and yet do a good job. Well, that's what the bot said... but can a human really do that? 

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy,

Ah, now I understand what you meant.
Yes, I've already tried that, feeding the AI the exact wording of our chats afterwards and let it analyize.

I even tried both variants: telling it the history of the relationship and my partner's diagnoses, and without any prior information.

It was always clear that he was the one who provoked the conflict. The AI always portrayed me as ‘empathetic’.
Except for the time shortly after my partner received the diagnosis of bpd/npd and absolutely refused to accept it. Although I knew it wasn't a good idea to harp on about it, I kept reminding him. That really wasn't a good idea, and Chat GPT kept pointing that out to me.

Do you know what I find difficult? My partner often accused me of being ‘negative’ and emphasised that he only needed someone who was always positive.

I am not always positive, and my body lets me know immediately when I am pretending to be positive even though I don't feel that way.

And I don't want to play role-playing games for my partner.

When I feel that it's completely absurd for him to talk about a great career, a big house, lots of travel and a baby, for example, even though he can't even manage his everyday life without a job and needs alcohol to self-medicate for every little thing, then I can't say euphorically: „Oh yes, darling! That sounds like a great plan!" because I can physically feel that I am betraying myself with this statement.
So I say: ‘I can see that you want big changes. But I can also see that small steps are all that is possible right now.’ That's enough to cause another clash.

In the early days of our relationship, I always agreed with him, no matter how absurd his statements and grandios fantasies were, because I knew that any kind of ‘different opinion’ would lead to conflict. But at some point, that was no longer possible because I physically felt that I was betraying myself if I always just swallowed my feelings about his behaviour.

So how can I get to the point where I'm not being ‘negative’ but also not betraying myself?

How do you handle that in your relationship?

P.S. I tested the AI to see if it would just agree with me that I can't do anything.

[hiiumaa]

P.S. If you say you can be completely cold and still do a good job... that's interesting.

Can you elaborate on that? Do you mean 'cold' like 'distant'? Show no emotions? Be absolutely objective? Can your wife handle that?

[SuperDaddy]

Hi hiiumaa ,

Congratulations for always being empathetic. I have been failing to keep a healthy, non-triggering dialog with my wife. And I think that I'm giving up because I don't have the energy anymore to endure her mood swings and keep guiding her in the best direction.

Anyway, the idea of being cold was something the AI came up with. I think the goal is to filter out the emotions from the text so that there are no negative expressions while you are not in a good mood. I think it is ok if they notice it, because they should understand that we also have emotions, as long as it doesn't slip into anything triggering in your text.

By the way, here is the translation of her response from yesterday, which I don't want to counter:

I'm done with you. As you yourself said, "I make no effort." You're shameless! You really don't, and you never have! Do you think I'm going to keep flirting with a guy who sends me an audio message like that??

Listen to that damn audio before you demand anything from me. You two-faced liar! "Sweetie" this, "sweetie" that, and then you say you make no effort at all, you shameless bastard!

I'm not a woman to be messing around like that! Have some shame!

I'm serious: I'm going to pick up my son tomorrow at the main gate.

I want you out of my life.

How could I have been messing around with a guy who says something like that to me?

Shortly after my audio, as I noticed she misunderstood me, I sent another one explaining myself correctly, but she preferred sticking to the worst interpretation anyway. The text above came hours after, so I figured out that this is how she wants to see things. She seems to have the unconscious need to see herself as a victim and feel rejected. That would make sense; it stimulates the EOS. 

[SuperDaddy]

So I say: ‘I can see that you want big changes. But I can also see that small steps are all that is possible right now.’ That's enough to cause another clash.

I'm not sure if I understood the context. Why do you need to use the "but" part? Do you expect him to take small steps so that he actually succeeds in something so that both of you can have a life together?

Two parents of my family had severe hallucinations from schizophrenia. When dealing with them, I figured out it was completely useless to object to their statements. As a result, I had an excellent relationship with them. I think we can do a "reality check" with them, but I don't know how to do it.

In your case, I'm not sure about the context, but probably I would not worry about the grandiose thoughts. I would see them as a good thing, as they are motivating him. Like a kid that says they will be a doctor. Instead of cutting them off and saying that they need to finish their homework first, you can show that you're happy that they know what they want.

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy!

Thank you very much for the great exchange!

I can well understand that after this response from your wife, you felt the need to explain yourself very clearly again. I probably would have had the same impulse.

Unfortunately, I also know that even follow-up explanations—even when given after some time to cool down—don’t get through.

You say you’re giving up. Does that mean you actually want to end the relationship with your wife?

As for my partner’s grandiose fantasies, the unfortunate thing is that they fuel his alcohol binges. He always goes through these cycles. And it starts with a kind of mania, including grandiosity. The more frustrated he gets that the grandiose ideas don’t work out, the closer he gets to alcohol. That’s why I started telling him that I see that only small steps are possible—in the hope of grounding him. But, as mentioned, that doesn’t work.