Family full of BPD

[KV]

Hi everyone,

I have been diagnosed with BPD and am currently doing a 20 week STEPPS course, although I know that I have felt this way since i was about 8 to 9 years old.

I have however recently found out that both my maternal uncle and aunt also have BPD.
My mother was a nightmare to live with when growing up and a lot of things mixed in with my BPD I can see come from living with her... .and knowing more now, there may be a chance that she has it too.

I have a 5 year old daughter so am 100% committed to getting things sorted and managed to the very best of my ability so that she does not have the life that I have now aged 40.
I have always been aware of something and make a huge effort to regulate and hide my emotions when they are out of control from her.

I guess I want to ask two questions:

1) anyone know if this is genetic at all?

2) Can anyone one on here give me some pointers to the behaviour that has affected them from their parent/carer having BPD? I want to make sure that i really keep an eye on myself with new skills that I am learning.

Thank you.

oh... .and if anyone wants to ask questions about BPD from there perspective of having it, then I would answer completely honestly. Also from the perspective of coming from an unhealthy family unit with a highly likely BPD mother (with alcoholism).

Thank you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome KV  
I have to commend you on your good attitude and approach in handling your diagnosis.

I guess I want to ask two questions:

1) anyone know if this is genetic at all?

2) Can anyone one on here give me some pointers to the behaviour that has affected them from their parent/carer having BPD? I want to make sure that i really keep an eye on myself with new skills that I am learning.

You say your aunt and uncle were diagnosed with BPD and likely your mom had it. When others in a family have a mental illness/disorder, there can be a genetic predisposition for you to have a mental disorder, BPD or traits of BPD. BPD can also evolve from your environment or a combination of genetics and environment.

My dad had BPD traits. And my sister seems to be a high functioning BPD. The death of both our parents brought out BPD in my sister and she split me black.

Growing up with a dad with BPD traits, I'd have to say his rages and extremely critical nature had an effect on me.  When I was young, I used to be afraid of my dad. I didn't want to bring friends home, because I was afraid he would rage and embarrass me. Being too critical, can turn children into extreme "people pleasers".  The "silent treatment" was, also, something my dad did that was disturbing.

You say you make huge efforts to hide your extreme emotions from your daughter. What strategy has worked best for you, when your emotions are getting out of control?  What are your strongest BPD traits?

I wish you well with your course. Your good attitude is a good first step towards success.

[Fie]

Hello KV  


How wonderful that you are working on yourself. That is certainly good news for your daughter too !

My mum has BPD, my father has NPD traits.

My parents somehow always gave me the feeling something was 'wrong' with me. Everything I did was criticized, and my mum also was angry a lot at me. I felt unloved.
The BPD was a big secret, which made me even more convinced it was me who was the problem. My mum's behavior was out of the normal, but she didn't go into therapy like you are doing. There supposedly was nothing wrong with her - so it *had* to be me.

Children believe in the reality their parents present to them. My mum never told me she loved me - so in my perception as a child, she didn't. Of course for a child that's horrible. I would have loved to hear her say she loved me.
My mother also never ever apologized after a dysregulation. She also never pointed out that her behavior had been wrong. So it *had* to be right. As a child, who are we to go question our parents ?
I have a child of myself now. When I think I made a mistake towards her, I apologize. It makes her feel better, it makes me feel better. When I still lived with my parents I used to think it was wrong to apologize to a child. As a parent you have to be always right, give the good example, etc. You know. Now I can hardly believe I ever thought like that. Of course we have to set a good example as parents, and one of the ways we can do that is pointing out where we were out of line.

Pointing out to my child where I made a mistake also helps me doing better next time. Speaking it out somehow makes it real. It has happened to me that I thought I got upset with my daughter too much. Apologizing confirmed the reality (to her but also to me) that mum needs to be more in control of her emotions  ;-) 


I still wanted to tell you this, even if it's a bit difficult to admit.
Looking back on my early adulthood, I can see I had taken over some of the unhealthy behaviors of my FOO. I did not match enough criteria to be 'labeled' BPD, but my emotional life was certainly not stable.

I have since worked on myself a lot, and I am glad to say that I have gotten rid of most of my BPD traits. I used to sometimes act impulsively before. I feel so much better now I have reached a state where I can just control my emotions much better. So it is possible.

I do have a problem with attachment still. Unfortunately I think I will have it for the rest of my life. I currently don't have a relationship, so I don't see my fears 'in action', but I'm pretty sure they are still there. I like to think of it as some sort of gap inside me. I don't think my gap will ever be filled ... .but I accept that. I am able to live a happy life regardless.


I really think it's so good you are getting therapy. Please keep posting here also, we all learn from each other.

Do you have a support system who helps you navigate through all of this ?