EAR

[In4thewin]

I know that I can't change anyone, but nonetheless I'm remaining hopeful that with educating myself and making some personal changes, it will have a positive impact on my 19yo  daughter. I started to work 1 on 1 with a DBT practitioner and continue to search other informed resources on BPD. In doing that I came upon a skill called "EAR" statements on a site called highconflicttraining.com It's not "DBT" but a very similar skill/technique using validation to deescalate an upset/high conflict person. It seems straight forward enough but I'm confused about when this should be attempted based on my specific circumstance. I'm definitely the "target", and my daughter can turn on a dime. When she does, it's rarely because of something I'm saying/doing in the moment, but something I did/said in the past... sometimes it's ancient history. A common theme is her bringing up my parenting during middle school, using my mistakes (real or perceived) as an excuse avoid personal accountability in current day. This has continued for years. It's like "you made me dress like a middle aged woman.... you PURPOSELY wanted me to not be like other kids!". Then it continues with "All I ever wanted was to fit in, and you made SURE I wouldn't !" You DID THIS TO ME!. It could literally be about anything. No matter what happens, what she does, it always rolls back to me being responsible in some way and the "cause" of her choices/actions.... because I screwed up during middle school.

I had gotten to the point of feeling confident with just calmly hanging up the phone or not engaging in texts etc. when she goes on one of these rants. I had already laid forth the expectation that this is what I'll do if communications become abusive. But now I'm confused. Should I listen for a while and then try to EAR before disconnecting when she goes off? I can see how EAR could be helpful when someone is upset about something, but when I'm the constant target of the angst, I just don't know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Win,

My adult BPD stepdaughter had a habit of dredging up ancient slights like that.  On the one hand she was giving vent to her angry feelings, even if they were misdirected.  On the other hand, I felt it was a distraction from the underlying issue of dysfunction in the current moment.  I felt that my stepdaughter would replay those ancient slights in her mind so often that she carved a rut in her brain, and any time she felt stress, insecurity or disappointment, what would she do?  She'd automatically replay the ancient slights in her mind, as a maladaptive coping mechanism.  She'd rile herself up, and usually her anger would emerge through shouting or mean texts, seemingly out of the blue.

I have probably replied before how I take these distorted stories of "abuse" and blame-shifting as a sign that something else isn't going well in my stepdaughter's life.  Usually, over time, I learn what really happened--she got fired, she got kicked out of her rooming group, she failed out of school, she didn't get something she wanted, etc.  I guess I'm saying I take these outbursts as a distress signal, her code for SOS.  She was too ashamed to admit what was really getting her down and dredged up ancient history instead.

Generally I try to listen for the background feelings during the outbursts.  Your daughter said she felt like she didn't fit in.  Maybe she thinks she isn't cute (a common feeling given today's highly curated content in social media).  My guess is that she's angry that she doesn't make friends easily today, and perhaps she's obsessing about her looks as the reason for it.  Maybe she's upset that she doesn't have a romantic relationship, when "everyone else" does.  Does that sound about right?  Maybe what you could do (when she's not having a mood), is point out how pretty she looks, how nice it must be to visit with a friend on the weekend, etc.  I think that with BPD, her general outlook is too negative, and she might discount most of the good things that are happening.  Maybe if you point them out, it will help boost her confidence.  Now my guess is that your daughter is impatient, because she wants everything she wants NOW.  If that's an issue, maybe you can remind her how far she's come in a relatively short time (I'm proud that you finished your first year of college . . . remember how nervous you were at first?  I know it wasn't easy, but you did it).

With my BPD stepdaughter, I think she laments how she doesn't have friends.  I'm pretty sure she lost her old friends because she lashed out at them, and they won't tolerate her mean outbursts.  By the same token, it seemed to me that she didn't try very hard to make new friends.  Since she wasn't working or in school, she wasn't meeting new people.  Sure, she'd engage with social media, and she'd go to bars, but those interactions are highly transactional.  It's like I had to coach her:  The best way to make friends is see people regularly in person, and be friendly!  It can take a few repetitions to develop a rapport.  But the key is regular interaction and a positive attitude.  You can get that by going to school or work, attending a class (like yoga Tuesdays at 7pm), joining a club, learning something new, riding the train every morning at around the same time.  Another way is to support existing friends:  go to their sports games, see their art exhibit, attend their recital.  Even if you think you don't like it, you're supporting your friend, and they will appreciate that.  Alas, I think pwBPD tend to want all the focus to be on them.  They assume they don't like things and tend to miss out.  They say NO I don't like that, when they should be saying YES.  When your daughter was younger, her attitude didn't matter so much, because she was forced to have supervised peer interactions in school.  But now as an adult, she has to be more mindful about creating positive social interactions.  And she can't be a grump all the time, that's offputting.  I think my BPD stepdaughter thinks that smiling is "fake."  Well, sometimes it is, but that's OK, because who likes to hang out with a grump?

Now, if your daughter is "obsessing" about past things that ARE true (albeit distorted), and she's complaining but not screaming at you, maybe what you could do is try to redirect the conversation to the present.  Perhaps something along these lines might work--Yeah, those middle school years are awkward, but you're past that now.  I think you look beautiful, you're really good with your makeup/hair/styling, and you carry yourself with grace, you walk like a ballet dancer.  Then she might disagree with you (I'm not, I hate my nose, my legs are fat), and at least you know what you're dealing with--most likely, a distorted and overly negative self-image.

If your daughter is saying blatant lies (e.g. her dad hit and raped her in middle school), then what I've done is call her out:  That's not true and you know it.  Because validating the invalid gives her "permission" to take things up a notch and spiral completely out of control with even worse untrue allegations, and it doesn't make anything better, because she becomes more firmly ensconced in her narrative of victimhood. 

However if your daughter is screaming at you, my view is that she can't listen to you anyway.  You might try to say:  Let's calm down, this yelling is too much.  If she continues, my guess is she needs a time out to calm down.  Go ahead and give her a time out (I'm taking a break/let's revisit when we can talk without shouting).