Finally Making Sense of What Never Made Sense

[used2baShyFilly]

Just found this site.  I recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells and FINALLY all the confusion and pain in my marriage makes sense.  No doubt my husband has BPD and NPD.  Forty years of the same arguments, highs and lows, mind games, feeling like I'm the only one trying to make sense of it all. 

Right now I am in the process, a lifetime process I'm sure, of changing my thinking and responses, trying to balance accepting that HE is the way he is and he's probably not going to change much,  (we are in our early 60s!)with what about the rest of my life?  We also have an adult daughter with PTSD, I know that's not what this site is about, but there are similarities and any coping skills and more I can learn will help life with both of them.

That's my short introduction.  I am excited to read other posts. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi used2baShyFilly, and welcome to the family!

I started reading books on BPD about 10 years ago because of my ex-wife, and I'm still learning more and trying to further understand it. I gave up on my ex, but not on my current wife, who also has BPD but is worth fighting for. That doesn't mean, though, that I can live with her. I can't. We now live apart.

I'll wait for the treatments to make her aggressive symptoms go into remission before bringing her back.

Things get worse when both partners are together all of the time. Have you or he retired recently or begun to work from home?

[used2baShyFilly]

Hi SuperDaddy,

I've been a stay at  home mom since our first child was born 38 years ago.  My husband retired 5 years ago but works part time with various hours.  I like being home alone better than with him, so I understand the part about not being able to live together.  It seems most things we try to do together end up in a fight due to his temper flaring. 

We/he/me ;) have/has done counseling, secular and bible based.  Some has helped, some hasn't.  He won't go to long term counseling just for himself and do any digging to understand his thinking or responses but occasionally acknowledges things he does and says are not right.  We spend every morning watching a sermon which seems to be slowly helping. 

Christian counseling has helped me let go of bitterness and accept that people won't change no matter how hard I try to make them understand something.

I haven't given up and I'm in a good place emotionally right now as I've gotten a better understanding of what is going on.  My biggest challenge is balancing everything, being true to me, setting boundaries, detaching as needed for my health. 

[SuperDaddy]

Hi used2baShyFilly ,

Are you able to set boundaries? While living with my wife, I wasn't. Because the house is small, we don't have an extra bed, and I work from home. So she could keep harassing me all day if she wasn't happy with something. Because boundaries must be enforceable, but I could not enforce anything while living together.

The fact that you have succeeded with some types of counseling is quite surprising. Usually, couples therapy does not work when one of the partners has BPD, so they have to go through individual therapy, but it must be specialized.

My wife has been to different therapists, but it didn't last much. Recently I asked her if it was because she felt criticized. In response, she remained silent and just shook her head, but I noticed she was angry and felt like crying but tried to conceal it. It seems like she was holding deep shame. This is why pwBPD need specialized therapy, such as DBT, which doesn't make them feel like "an all-wrong person." You can understand this better from the words of Marsha Linehan, who created it: https://youtu.be/bULL3sSc_-I

Yes, talking to our partner won't be enough to make them change at all, because this has roots in their biology, but change is possible with specific treatments. So I still have hopes for the future.

[used2baShyFilly]

Hi SuperDaddy,

Setting boundaries is getting easier for me, I am able to detach more instead of letting emotions get the best of me.  It's easier with our daughter I mentioned above as she doesn't live at home, harder being in the same house together with my husband, like it is for you  living with your wife.

I'm not sure I would say our counseling has had a whole lot of success, especially couples. Individual has helped me some. I feel he goes just enough to give me hope things will get better then he quits.  We've been to some who have said we would get to the bottom of his anger, which he acknowledges he uses as a tool, so far that hasn't happened and his anger is still caused by me, according to him.  He does blow up at other people too. 

Last night I quietly asked him to do something, made sure I was clear in what I was saying and it was a request, not a demand.  He blew up and brought it up this morning and once again he anger was because I looked angry/rude, in short all my fault he responded in anger.  I've said for years I will never get it right, "it" being how I speak or look, or whatever his perception is and justifies his anger.  He can't hear well and it's my job to make sure he hears me, I said if you go to the doctor and get your hearing tested and a hearing aid won't help, then I will accommodate you by speaking louder and/or making sure you can see my lips.  (I'm either not speaking loud enough or I'm yelling)

I also have hopes for our future as we continue to watch sermons and he likes to say a prayer before he  leaves for the day.  That's HUGE for him! He has searched for sermons for men also, found some darn good ones.

 During that quiet time before the prayer he did listen when I suggested that maybe his anger is because he has PTSD (he has some understanding of what PTSD from interacting with our daughter) and how helpful it could be if he talked to someone and worked through it.  I can see how unhappy he is, I believe he holds deep shame, not sure he has PTSD, the BPD and NPD makes the most sense, I would love it if he got a professional diagnosis.

[SuperDaddy]

There is an explanation for all of this, which came out in 2010 but was ignored because it is too technical and there was no proof, just a theory. But for me it explains everything:
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

The full content can be purchased, but it has been available on Scribd.com since 2023.

So, based on this theory, their chronic depression comes from an underactive endogenous opioid system, and what makes them interpret things in a way that makes them angry is an unconscious attempt to stimulate it.

So it's not that his PTSD makes him angry, but it may be used as an excuse. Or he might even try to retraumatize himself.

For instance, before knowing me, my wife traumatized herself by spending the night at the beach in a bikini. She says that it got too late, so the subway had closed, and she didn't have money to pay for a cab. Obviously she was putting herself at risk, and there were other solutions. During the night, she got her phone robbed and went through sexual assault. For the rest of the night, she tried to stay crouched to avoid being seen by other men. As a result, she developed a specific phobia around walking. But specific phobias are relatively easy to treat, and I have tried all possible ways of healing her from it, but nothing works because unconsciously she doesn't want to let go of the trauma. Instead, she keeps doing avoidance behavior, which worsens it. There were times in which we had to use a wheelchair. Now we use just mullets, but it's very limiting. She has already cried about not being able to heal from it and said that I didn't deserve to go through this. But it is her unconscious mind that doesn't allow her to heal. After trying regular psychotherapy and hypnotherapy, I found out that EMDR was ideal for her. She loves her EMDR therapist but kept avoiding the intense sessions, then stopped attending EMDR sessions. As I insisted, she rescheduled, but when her EMDR therapy was finally about to heal her with another intensive session, she missed it. And during the exact time of the therapy, she insisted that she wanted to go to the beach by herself. Guess what? It was unconscious, but she wanted to traumatize herself again. This is self-destructive and similar to a suicide attempt, but the goal is just to stimulate their EOS.

Two days from now, she will start a low-dosage off-label pharmacological treatment, and I am hoping it will fix this biochemical issue. If I'm right, then in a few weeks she should not feel the need to follow those patterns anymore. Then she would allow her brain to rewire in healthier ways. Otherwise, if the pharmacological treatment is not effective, then maybe it will take a few years of DBT before we can live together again.

Hopefully this helps you to make some sense of the nonsense.