Struggling to find a way to deal with adult daughter

[CG4ME]

Hello and grateful to find this place,

My 29 year old daughter was diasgnosed with BPD in her early 20's.  As a child she had a very low frustration tolerance and began experiencing anxiety around 10 years old.  She started cutting herself in her mid teens, which started after her boyfriend left her.  She is the oldest and her dad was very hard on her as a child.  We had different parenting styles and I was also struggling with my own mental health issues.  My youngest was born very ill and took a lot of my attention away from the two older girls.  It was stressful and my marriage suffered as a result and that was difficult for all of us.  Fast forward and my daughter wBPD is married and out of the house now but a recent medical crisis with my husband has created absolute chaos for me especially as the mom.  I had reached out to let her know about her dad and asked for her help.  She said she couldn't help and blamed me for frustrating her. She said I could have asked someone else instead of her. I apologized and said it was fine. My middle adult child who has OCD and narcisstic traits was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me during this crisis so I decided to set a boundary and told them that we would not be hosting Christmas. My dwBPD was so upset with me and told me that in order for her to continue having a relationship with me I woud have to acknowledge her pain and suffering as result of my boundary.  When I said we could talk but it had to be about understanding not blame and that we could meet in person she refused and told me she would wait for me to change my mind and have the converation in person and that I didn't care about her because I was not willing to have the discussion over the phone.  Eventually I agreed to a phone call and it went poorly.  She was yelling at me telling me I was selfish and had no remorse.  That I should have removed myself from Christmas and they could have had it without me.  Or I should have dealt with my other daughter after Christmas.  I told her I was so distressed and was having heart palpitations and had to have an echocardiogram and she didn't even respond to that.  My boundary she said was a punishment and she started to scream and rage and told me to shut up.  Yesterday she met with my husband to pick up her Christmas gifts and she shared with him that she was pregnant. My heart was broken because that should have been a special moment for me too.  I feel so hurt that I can't enjoy the fact that my daughter is pregnant and I am afraid to even talk to her because nothing I say matters and I am the villain. My husband is also concerned but they still talk to him but not me and he is staying neutral with them, which leaves me carrying the emotional burden.  I am tired of being blamed for being human and having my boundary disregarded. My health is now being affected and I feel like I have no choice but to limit my contact with her.  Either way it's painful for me whether I talk to her or not. I don't know how to move forward with confidence in what I need to do to take care of myself without feeling guilty or being a bad mom.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders