Cheating, projection - how do I hold onto a sense of reality?

[hotchip]

2 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have recognised they strongly fit BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'.

A couple of weeks after, X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship - not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true - after the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again. While claiming this (that we were broken up), X made statements that were internally inconsistent/ incoherent.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a PLEASE READ time' and 'feel bad' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes, ). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X has also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been PLEASE READed and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. I also offered financial/ logistical support in getting mental health support if he needed it and have repeatedly done this during the relationship.

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. Explaining the context is difficult. a typical example would be brushing him off/ expressing frustration/ annoyance when he asks for computer help late at night, and doing this often over a 2-3 month period. i know dismissiveness and frustration can be very painful and destructive to someone who cares for you, and I believe my actions meet that threshhold. I am deeply sorry for this and have expressed that to X.

But on reflection, I don't believe my actions rise to the threshhold of cruelty. These are normal, albeit challenging, experiences that arise over the course of a relationship. 

I wonder if what may be happening is that X is deeply shamed by having violated his own values. Rather than dealing with this, he is projecting onto me.

At other times, X has shown great courage and integrity but shown little self compassion and strong self hatred, including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. It feels like that is now being projected outwards.

Intellectually, I understand that X is not being accountable to reality and there is nothing I can do to make this happen. But emotionally, I have relied on X's perspective for a long time, and they have shown a lot of wisdom that has helped me. It's really hard to bridge the cognitive dissonance between the person I have known and the person who exists now. The facts tell me one thing, and my feelings tell me another.

As a result, I have been experiencing severe anxiety including involuntary muscle spasms.

There is a sense of strong fear about an unstable reality. It's not that I doubt any particular elements of what has happened - in fact, the more I think about the facts and set them out in an attempted objective way, the clearer it becomes that there isn't much doubt. It's more a generalised sense of everything is wrong or nothing is stable or even that I (the person) am wrong in some existential, unspecified sense. 

Does anyone have tips on how to deal with this? I already meditate though not regularly enough.

[kells76]

Hey there and

So many of us here can relate to that sense of questioning reality when there's a pwBPD in our lives. What you're saying makes sense -- the facts might not be in dispute, yet we're left holding on to ... nothing, somehow, or a lot of doubts boomeranged back on to ourselves. Not easy stuff... And exhausting, too.

Sorry if I missed this -- are you two officially "broken up" right now? If so, do you want that to be permanent, or are you wanting to reconnect, or...? No right or wrong answer, just getting a sense of where the relationship is at.

Was your relationship pretty intense and did your lives kind of revolve around each other? Again, trying to get a sense of where you've been emotionally.

What kind of outside support and perspective do you have at the moment? Friends, family, therapist, clergy, coworkers, hobby...

I found that even though I'm not the one with BPD, I needed a significant amount of support to navigate having a pwBPD in my life.

You found a good group ... Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

[hotchip]

Thank you for your kindness and your insight kells76. I'll respond to the factual questions first.

- Whether we are 'officially broken up' is confusing because of the back and forth described above. X declared that we had 'explicitly broken up' at some point in the past (which we had not), described me as cruel and demanded I move out. I left our shared space shortly after and have been living on couches for over a month (though still paying my half of the rent). Days after 'you are cruel'/ 'i want you to leave', X sent me a 'happy new year x' message, which I ignored, and in the weeks since, a few other messages   regarding household things which I have not responded to. Given his oscillating relationship with memory/ reality, it's not clear what exists in his head regarding what is 'official'.

- Our relationship was intense and our lives were extremely integrated on a day to day and logistical level.

- I have a couple of close friends and my own independent projects that are important to me. however, many friends/ connections are mutuals with X and we are brought into contact through shared activities.  the close friends are very precious and have been insightful and supportive, but mostly live in a different city.

[hotchip]

In terms of what I want - it's kind of hard to know because my sense of reality has been destabilised - how can you know what you want in the world when that world has been so shaken...

- there was a part of me that wants 'everything to go back to normal' i.e. the life we shared - which in some ways was very loving - to resume. however, it is integrating in my brain that some parts of that 'normal' - i.e., me being defined as 'horrible' for things that were actually 'normal bad', or the repeated, ongoing suicidal ideation placed on me with no attempt to get treatment or find other outlets - were not OK.   

- there is a fantasy part of me that wants things to be 'fixed'. what i would need to feel like 'fixing' is possible is as follows: i want X were to acknowledge, apologise and be accountable for the cheating, gaslighting and denigration he has enacted, and to enter formal mental health treatment.

if X were able to pursue that treatment and also to demonstrate an ability to be alone and to regulate their emotions, i would consider 'repair' of the relationship to be possible (though not certain). at a minimum, this would be demonstrated by X remaining/ making progress in treatment for one year, and also refraining from sexual and romantic relationships for the duration. This would go some way to demonstrating that X is able to regulate these actions, where he has been unable to in the past.

- The above is, of course, largely a fantasy. X has shown no interest in either accountability for his cheating or treatment for his mental health, though in previous situations he actually has shown great self awareness and accountability.

- If X does not commit to the above, I want to have nothing to do with him, though realistically we will continue to cross paths. I want to mourn the fantasy that has evaporated, and to heal.

[hotchip]

in terms of my personal circumstances, in general, i am quite precarious, have some cash flow problems, and am experiencing isolation. i also have a very solid set of projects which i can pursue on my own, which bring me joy, and a Buddhist spiritual practice.

thank you again for asking such insightful questions and keeping it real 

[hotchip]

X declared that we had 'explicitly broken up' at some point in the past (which we had not)

Just to clarify, I phrased this with an inaccuracy. X has in fact broken up with me many times in the past (and then not remembered/ acted like this never happened). when i say 'which we had not' here, I am referring to the relevant time period, i.e., we had explicitly agreed we were in a relationship, and nothing had been said or done since that moment, to renege on that.   

I apologise for being nitpicky and obsessed with precision, that's what gaslighting and instability does to you.