The pathological justification...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well,

This morning I had to know, so I sat down and asked my uBPD/NPDstbex wife of 2.5 years if she really thought that 1/2 of the equity in my home of 14 years was rightfully hers... .and man I did not expect the polished response, by the time she was done talking she was deserving of more than 1/2 and it's my fault the marriage failed as I'm manic depressive? 

Every point I had about my children growing up there or all the sweat equity I've put in none of it mattered she didn't flinch and had a counter point... .then my bad... .I told her my attorney said that there are things that are legally ethical, but that doesn't make them morally ethical... .

... .when it was all said and done she told me she was calling her attorney this morning and she was going to make sure she took every penny she could from me... .I told her that I guess she needs to to whatever she thinks is right, but at the end of the day she'll have to live with herself... .

... .guess I shouldn't have asked huh?  In the end I should stop thinking that she has the ability to reason, to feel remorseful and to remember that she is programmed from childhood trauma to survive at all costs... .and right now, my boys, myself and our assets are that cost... .

NS

[NewStart]

Well,

This morning I had to know, so I sat down and asked my uBPD/NPDstbex wife of 2.5 years if she really thought that 1/2 of the equity in my home of 14 years was rightfully hers... .and man I did not expect the polished response, by the time she was done talking she was deserving of more than 1/2 and it's my fault the marriage failed as I'm manic depressive? 

Every point I had about my children growing up there or all the sweat equity I've put in none of it mattered she didn't flinch and had a counter point... .then my bad... .I told her my attorney said that there are things that are legally ethical, but that doesn't make them morally ethical... .

... .when it was all said and done she told me she was calling her attorney this morning and she was going to make sure she took every penny she could from me... .I told her that I guess she needs to to whatever she thinks is right, but at the end of the day she'll have to live with herself... .

... .guess I shouldn't have asked huh?  In the end I should stop thinking that she has the ability to reason, to feel remorseful and to remember that she is programmed from childhood trauma to survive at all costs... .and right now, my boys, myself and our assets are that cost... .

NS

[flourdust]

I can see you're anxious about that conversation. It's hard to have someone threaten you.

But... .to give you a little dose of reality... .who cares what she thinks? The court isn't going to agree with her. What do your state laws say? Property is divided up according to state law and precedent, not based on whoever feels the most entitled.

My state says that non-marital property (including home equity accrued before the marriage) goes to the person who owned it prior to marriage. I can choose to give more, if I want, but the court won't order it.

[NewStart]

What do your state laws say? Property is divided up according to state law and precedent, not based on whoever feels the most entitled

Unfortunately, a law that was meant to protect, "community property state", in short marriages like ours can be used to take whatever you want.  My mistake, I put her on my home and listened to her when she said I didn't need to be on hers... .end story, she takes all the equity in her home, 1/2 the equity in mine and any funds that she kept sole and separate from the sale of her home and spent on my home... .oh yeah, she can ask for that back now too... .

She sent me a text this morning after our conversation... ."I really would like to be fair with you, but what I realized is in the end it's not going to matter anyways... .no matter what you're going to hate me... ."

Wow, so does the reasoning above justify taking 1/2 of a man's life savings after only 2.5 years?

NS

[flourdust]

Unfortunately, a law that was meant to protect, "community property state", in short marriages like ours can be used to take whatever you want.  ... .

Wow, so does the reasoning above justify taking 1/2 of a man's life savings after only 2.5 years?

OK, then you have a fight on your hands. Ignore her reasoning -- you don't have to win a debate with her. You just have to make a better claim in front of a judge. You may win, you may not, but you can have a strategy to fight.

[oshinko maki]

In the end I should stop thinking that she has the ability to reason, to feel remorseful and to remember that she is programmed from childhood trauma to survive at all costs... .and right now, my boys, myself and our assets are that cost... .

That lack of remorse and reasoning ability means she may do any horrible thing, beyond anyone's imagination even. I would ask myself, how far am I willing to go in order to get the divorce? How much an I willing to risk?    How much is at risk by staying (children's mental health, yours, etc.)? Like most decisions though, what you decide to do is probably less important than what you do after the decision; i.e., make the best of whatever you decide.

[bus boy]

A number of years back, before I had a court order I was trying to negotiate some Xmas access with Xw for my son and I. Of course I got no where and I told Xw she was only hurting our son, how can you live with your self? She replied she lives just fine with her self. It's easier to find a needle in a haystack than it is to find genuine remorse or empathy or any kind of genuine emotion from a BPD/NPD.

[NewStart]

Of course I got no where and I told Xw she was only hurting our son, how can you live with your self? She replied she lives just fine with her self.

I told mine this morning that I guess she's going to do what she is going to do and she's the one that has to live with herself and how others view the final outcome... .she looked at me calmly and said, "and that's is the difference between you and I, you care what people think about you, but I stopped caring what people think about me long ago... ."

NS

[oshinko maki]

she lives just fine with her self

I used to be shocked about how my BPDw would say that when I asked how she could live with herself.