My HwuBPD escalated, making me wonder if danger is on the horizon.

[JazzSinger]

Yesterday, my H swatted my phone out of my hand.  I was taking a picture of him wearing  a T-shirt with a  a polarizing message. 

He feared I would  use it to blackmail him, by sending it to his friends, which I would never do. I took it to remind myself of who he really is.

I wonder if this means he could escalate to hitting me? He’s never done it, in 22 years of marriage. But I know I can’t rule it out. 

I realize I can’t throw him out, not just because I’d take a big financial hit, but also because he has rights. He’s on the propriety lease. He’s on the deed. Apart from that, where I live, everything is marital property. Unless he hits me and I press charges, I can’t force him out. I’m not leaving, because I have nowhere to go, and I love my home. I’m nearly 80 years old — I’m not looking to change my surroundings at this stage in my life. 

I feel stuck. 

But…

I’m detached, at all times. When his outbursts feel like he’s making me a punching bag, I leave the room. I have an enjoyable life when I’m away from him.  He’s not criticizing and digging into me as much as he used to. Now, I  can actually experience joy and peace at home, even though he almost never leaves the house.  I found ways to block him out. I’ve come a long way. 

I guess I’m just venting, but…

Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Thanks.  I needed to vent. 
Jazz

[Pook075]

Hi Jazz!

I've swatted at a few phones in my day when someone was trying to take a photo I didn't like.  But I never tried to break anyone's phone either or actually hurt them.  I guess it would depend on your husband's motives and how we was feeling/acting right after that happened.

Maybe the best possible lesson here is not to take photos of your husband since it could be a trigger for him.  I know that sounds silly, but it's a minor concession to living in peace.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi JazzSinger,

When you say you took the picture to remind yourself of who he really is, it seems like you really didn't like his polarized t-shirt, right? That was understood as criticism. More than that, the action of taking a picture was assumed to be a combative action (in a way, it was). In this situation in which he feels judged and "attacked," he will tend to have quick negative interpretations, and he did the simplest one, that you would use that picture against him.

[Notwendy]

Hi Jazz, I don't think there's a solid case for him being violent or potentially violent.

I think he could sense your contempt for the shirt and for him. Taking the photo to remind you of who he is could be seen as crossing a boundary. It's his body and his shirt, and even if it's got a message that you think is obnoxious- he still can choose to wear what he wants.

One could say his motive was to stop the picture, not to hurt you. That he swatted it- yes but possibly he was trying to stop you from taking the picture, tried to grab it or just push it away.

Even though you are entitled to your feelings, you have chosen to stay and live with him. I think it will make things easier on you if you "pick your battles". This isn't for him but for your own peace, wherever it's possible.

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

In my opinion, swatting a phone wouldn't qualify as violence, even if your husband shouldn't have done it.

The way I see the situation is probably one of, "He can dish it out but can't take it" type of exchange.  In other words, it seems that your husband readily criticizes, teases, or provokes you, such as by wearing a shirt with a message he knows will irritate you, but he becomes defensive/upset/angry when he is critiziced or otherwised challenged in return (i.e. when you take a photo of it).  He knows you know you were challenging him, and he reacted in an aggressive way, by swatting away your phone.  If he hadn't swatted, he might have screamed at you or demanded you hand over to him your property, just to show you who's boss.  You know your husband well and were sure that your small gesture of "retaliation" would be met with a negative reaction, right? 

This hypocrisy, insecurity, and/or a lack of empathy is often seen in bullies.  I've experienced it many times.  "He can dish it out but can't take it" sums it up.  And why is that?  I think it's because he's wired to be grumpy/negative/mean-spirited most of the time.  And yet, he thinks he's the only one who's allowed to be that way, while he DEMANDS that you be perfect, forgiving, tolerant of his meanness, always putting his needs first.  Not only that, but when he's in a really bad mood, he wants to dump it on you, belittle you and probably blame you too, in a vain attempt to make himself feel better.  That's when you need to realize it's not your fault, and to extricate youself from the scene as best as possible.

Now, sometimes I have felt incredible urges to "dish it out," just like my disordered roommates do to me sometimes.  I'm human, I have bad days and sour moods sometimes too.  But I find that the second I complain the tiniest bit, push back a little, act they way they do on a daily basis, I know exactly what happens:  it backfires.  All I do is incite them to up the ante and punish me in return.  So I have to be careful, so as not to unleash a WWIII.  I've found that rather than "dishing it back" as I've wanted to, I'm better off if I just gray rock.  In your situation, I might take a step back, and say to myself, it's just a shirt.  He's doing this just to rankle me, but I won't dignify the provocation with a reaction.  I'm going to gray rock in the hopes that he gets bored, changes his mind and changes his clothes.  If I'm lucky the shirt will get lost in the laundry, or maybe it will just stay in the bottom of the laundry bin where it belongs.

[SuperDaddy]

It occurs to me now that he got that T-shirt and wore it in front of you with the exclusive goal of pushing your buttons. So whatever reaction that you had about it would be used as fuel for another outburst.

This is unconscious conflict-seeking behavior.

If he really wanted to embrace that T-shirt logo, he would not want to hide it from his friends. The point is that this T-shirt was specifically chosen with you in mind.

But it's ok that you couldn't ignore it and reacted (by taking a picture), because no one is perfect and everyone has buttons to be pushed.

[Mutt]

That sounds very disturbing, particularly given that it crossed a physical boundary that you had not seen before. The most important thing is how you felt at that time. To continue trusting your instincts, disengaging when necessary, and putting your safety and peace first is a very good idea.

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz!

I've swatted at a few phones in my day when someone was trying to take a photo I didn't like.  But I never tried to break anyone's phone either or actually hurt them.  I guess it would depend on your husband's motives and how we was feeling/acting right after that happened.

Maybe the best possible lesson here is not to take photos of your husband since it could be a trigger for him.  I know that sounds silly, but it's a minor concession to living in peace.

POOK075,

I agree with you.   No need to do something to rile him up, for no important reason.

Thanks. 

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Hi JazzSinger,

When you say you took the picture to remind yourself of who he really is, it seems like you really didn't like his polarized t-shirt, right? That was understood as criticism. More than that, the action of taking a picture was assumed to be a combative action (in a way, it was). In this situation in which he feels judged and "attacked," he will tend to have quick negative interpretations, and he did the simplest one, that you would use that picture against him.

SuperDaddy,

I’m sure he felt attacked. If I really need to video or photograph him for my own safety, I shouldn’t broadcast it.  I’m going to file this under “Lessons Learned,” and move on from it.

Thank you. 

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

That sounds very disturbing, particularly given that it crossed a physical boundary that you had not seen before. The most important thing is how you felt at that time. To continue trusting your instincts, disengaging when necessary, and putting your safety and peace first is a very good idea.

Mutt,

It was very scary indeed.  Never again will I brandish a camera in front of him.  I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

In my opinion, swatting a phone wouldn't qualify as violence, even if your husband shouldn't have done it.

The way I see the situation is probably one of, "He can dish it out but can't take it" type of exchange. 

CC43,

I agree with you 100%. Perhaps I was overreacting.  Also, he  can dish it out, but he can’t take it. It’s irritating beyond belief.  I’ve lost my cool more than once, because like you, I am human.

I think I need to just continue my self-care journey, and stay as detached from him as possible.

Thanks.

Jazz

[Under The Bridge]

Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Though I seem to be the only one who will say this.. I say a definite 'Yes'.  It's physical contact and it requires force - however much or little he used - to knock your phone away and I would not accept that at all. We all expect verbal abuse from a BPD but when physical, striking actions occur, this isn't acceptable - and you say yourself that it was 'very scary'.

You also say that you've 'learned a lesson', like you did something bad. You don't need to learn lessons; he does and needs to know there will be consequences if he raises hands to you in any way.

Just my thoughts. It's only a small step up from striking something you're holding to striking you, especially if he knows you'll put up with it.  I ended my own BPD relationship because on her final outburst she was very close to getting physical for the first time and I could see it developing.

Take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

[JazzSinger]

If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

NotWendy,

I don’t feel unsafe.  I also don’t believe this rises to the level of DV.  I just think I should be mindful that it’s new behavior, and I’m not sure what might come next.  But he did not strike me, and he didn’t swat with force.

I am unable to gauge his dementia.  He hides things from his doctors, but a brain scan did show signs of dementia. 

Needless to say, I’m sick and tired of him.  I just want to live out the rest of my years in peace.  I don’t have the energy for his arguing and negativity.  I ignore him most of the time.  I walk away when I don’t like what he’s saying.  I’m almost 80 years old, and he is an elder too, although a few years younger than me. 

I’m just trying to live my life as normally and as joyful as I can, with friends, family, and activities that don’t include him.

Thanks so much.  I appreciate everything you wrote.

[Notwendy]

I understand- aging +BPD is a complicated situation. From my BPD mother's situation, the brain scan alone wouldn't have been enough for a diagnosis. She did have some episodes of confusion but it was felt there were medical reasons- an infection, or medication causing them.

What I saw with my father and mother in law- neither of whom had BPD or dementia, was an increase in irritability in their elder years. It makes sense- nobody wants to lose independence, and so they did have moments of feeling frustrated.

People with BPD can also have the "normal" consequences of aging- but add BPD to that and it is a challenge. What I found with my mother was that even with her disorder- there was no way to intervene as long as she was legally competent, and she remained legally competent. Even if there had been some dementia- people can remain legally competent in early stages.

It is good you are taking care of yourself. I think at this point, it's the best you can do. You know to keep a watch on any changes in your H and what direction they are going.