Time to move on?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi out there,
I'm writing in this forum more than I ever have before (which isn't much), but it's been helpful for me to get reflection and just to vent. Thank you all

I've been taking space from my wife for a month (it's been about two weeks so far). I feel better being on my own, and it's clear to me that I can't return to the relationship how it was. I think now that I'm just freaked out by the amount of difficulty and change I'll need to face if I exit the relationship. How can I do this, when I feel isolated, emotionally exhausted, and depressed? How do I get the energy to find a new place to live, find a job, reach out to friends, etc?

I think I'm also second-guessing myself, which seems normal in this circumstance. I feel sure about leaving when I evaluate the relationship for how it feels to me right now - distant, emotionally unsafe, and very broken. But of course when I think of how much pain she's in as well, and all the ways she has been a loving partner, I feel incredibly sad and distraught. I worry that I'm chucking a longterm relationship because of short-term difficulty, even though as I type that, I don't really think that's true.

I've been through difficult things in life, but this is taking the cake. How can I muster the strength to make the needed choice?

[DesertDreamer]

Hi out there,
I'm writing in this forum more than I ever have before (which isn't much), but it's been helpful for me to get reflection and just to vent. Thank you all

I've been taking space from my wife for a month (it's been about two weeks so far). I feel better being on my own, and it's clear to me that I can't return to the relationship how it was. I think now that I'm just freaked out by the amount of difficulty and change I'll need to face if I exit the relationship. How can I do this, when I feel isolated, emotionally exhausted, and depressed? How do I get the energy to find a new place to live, find a job, reach out to friends, etc?

I think I'm also second-guessing myself, which seems normal in this circumstance. I feel sure about leaving when I evaluate the relationship for how it feels to me right now - distant, emotionally unsafe, and very broken. But of course when I think of how much pain she's in as well, and all the ways she has been a loving partner, I feel incredibly sad and distraught. I worry that I'm chucking a longterm relationship because of short-term difficulty, even though as I type that, I don't really think that's true.

I've been through difficult things in life, but this is taking the cake. How can I muster the strength to make the needed choice?

[SuperDaddy]

Hi DesertDreamer,

I understand how hard and overwhelming it is to take a life-altering decision while being emotionally depleted and isolated. But you don't need all of the strength and certainty at once. Instead, you only need enough to take the next step (small, but concrete).

As you get more clarity, that will help you take action, and as you start moving, you'll feel stronger. And up to now it seems like you are already headed in the right direction.

If you hoped that the relationship could be better and you didn't let go of this, then it is natural to grieve about it. That may be reinforced by the compassion you have for her pain. However, the hope runs against your new feelings of being honest with yourself about what that was costing you. As part of a competition between those thoughts, your mind will try to convince you that your long-term pattern of feeling distant, emotionally unsafe, or broken was just a “short-term difficulty,” despite that you’ve been enduring it for so long. But as you observe what your mind is doing with you, you take control of it. Remember that grief for what it was and relief about leaving can exist at the same time, and neither cancels the other out.

A few questions come to my mind. Did this relationship make your depression worse, or was this depression already haunting you before you met her?

In regard to moving into her country, did things run out as you thought they would? Or did things go in a different direction? Was it she who encouraged you to move into her place, or was it you who had this initiative? Do you feel like this is an opportunity or that you fell into a trap?

Also, do you have the citizenship already? I believe this would make things much easier (or harder if you don't).

[DesertDreamer]

A few questions come to my mind. Did this relationship make your depression worse, or was this depression already haunting you before you met her?

In regard to moving into her country, did things run out as you thought they would? Or did things go in a different direction? Was it she who encouraged you to move into her place, or was it you who had this initiative? Do you feel like this is an opportunity or that you fell into a trap?

Also, do you have the citizenship already? I believe this would make things much easier (or harder if you don't).

Hi SD, thanks for your care in responding to my posts. That's been a kindness for sure. I really appreciate what you said about grief and relief existing together; I definitely feel that.

When I moved to her home country, I did have a notion in the back of my mind that it might not work out, and the reason would be because of our relationship. I cried a lot at the airport in part because I knew this. I did agree to leave the US for some of my own reasons, but it was largely her push because she felt strongly that the country was becoming unsafe for her (there is a lot of truth to this). So I left America, but I don't have citizenship in here, and I'm clearly floundering. I didn't think it would be this hard - I hoped it would be an opportunity, but it's not quite playing out that way yet. A lot of the economic problems that plague the US also exist here, and on top of that, I'm an immigrant with lesser language/social know-how now. So the fallout of our relationship may lead to a lot of other cookies crumbling, and I would need to accept/anticipate that.

I was definitely depressed before I met her (I've been depressed as long as I can remember, and have gone to therapy on and off for my entire adult life). New layers of severe withdrawal, emotional exhaustion, and nervous breakdowns have entered the picture over the years of our relationship. I don't ever remember feeling as anguished in my life as I have in this relationship. It's been intense, as I'm sure you've felt too. One thing that I'm trying to accept is that my mental health/general makeup as a human is a factor in wanting and needing to leave, and that's just how it is for me.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi DesertDreamer,

You said you don't ever remember feeling as anguished in your life as you have been in this relationship. Do you think that's because you are away from your country or because of her disorder?

I have been in all kinds of difficult relationships, but they never made me as anguished as major events in my life, such as the loss of a job or a kid being sick. I think that's because I protected myself. As soon as the relationship stopped working for me, I stepped away from my partner and kept myself busy with other stuff.

But in your case, as an immigrant with limited language/social know-how, it will be very difficult to make yourself happy. Being dependent on your wife, who suffers from BPD, is pretty bad, because it should be the other way around. For the relationship to work, it should be guided by a partner who is in good mental health status. However, it seems like your migration was more of her choice, which makes her the one who was leading the relationship. The problem with that is that when the partner with BPD has control of the relationship, their behaviors tend to get worse, especially the abusive ones.

So I think you only have two realistic choices. Either (A) you toughen up and overcome your current situation until you get your citizenship status, if that's feasible, so that you can get a real job, or (B) you get money to buy the flight tickets back to your home country.

Btw, I don't know which country you are living in, but there isn't any place with better job opportunities than the US.

[Mutt]

The relief you’re feeling from taking space is important. That’s your nervous system telling you something. It doesn’t erase the love or the grief ~ both can exist at the same time.

You don’t have to solve citizenship, housing, work, and your marriage all in one decision. Maybe the first step is just stabilizing yourself a bit more and building a small support net. Clarity usually comes when we’re not in survival mode.

[DesertDreamer]

You don’t have to solve citizenship, housing, work, and your marriage all in one decision. Maybe the first step is just stabilizing yourself a bit more and building a small support net. Clarity usually comes when we’re not in survival mode.

For sure. I did decide to end the relationship, and I told my partner on Friday. We talked for many hours and said goodbye, and I felt really relieved albeit devastated. Things change so much day by day now, I'm seeing that I really can only take my life one small step at a time. I think I've been running such an emotional marathon over the years that I don't have it in me to make any quick moves. I'll try to stabilize in this country a bit before deciding what to do next.