My BPD girlfriend who is also extremely jealous

[confused2026]

I have been with my BPD girlfriend for several years. She is also extremely jealous. We have a long distance relationship. She is constantly checking on me and every week or so, accuses me on cheating on her and picks fights. I have never cheated on her and never will. But in her mind, she is convinced otherwise.
I am totally exhausted by having to reassure her that I care a lot about her and am not cheating or planning to leave her. But honestly, a part of me thinks that I should leave her and put an end to all the meaningless fights and sleepless nights.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thank you!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Welcome. That sounds exhausting.

What’s so apparent isn’t just the jealousy, it’s the cycle. The accusations every week, the checking, the fights, and then having to prove something that hasn’t happened. That would wear anyone down.

Being in a long-distance relationship can certainly bring about a fear of abandonment. But with BPD, that fear can be very real in the moment, even if it’s not happening.

One thing that can sometimes help is moving from a position of defending yourself to validating the feeling that’s underneath it.

~ “I can hear that you’re feeling scared right now. I care about you. I’m not cheating.”

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with the accusation. It just helps to bring the temperature down.

But more than that, the question isn’t whether you love her, it’s whether you and she are trying to work on the pattern together. Is she open to seeking help or finding tools to deal with the jealousy?

You’re not wrong to feel tired. That’s important data.

[Under The Bridge]

Insecurity always seems to be the next phase from the initial 'love bombing' at the start, when you're both so apparently compatible in every way and there's not a single issue.. then the accusations and suspicions start. It's quite a kick in the teeth when that suddenlt happens.

The problem with the BPD mind is that it isn't open to logic - you can't ever convince them you're not cheating because they simply won't see facts. I got accused of cheating even when I'd spent the whole night sitting with her and she knew where I was.

Defending yourself does no good as it just reinforces their belief and apologies - even though you know you're innocent - do the same thing. In their mind they're right and nothing can change that.

Assuming they can't recognise they have a problem and are prepared to commit to therapy, the only question is how long you're prepared to put up with things. The BPD will never change on their own. We give them more and more chances, but eventually we decide that enough is enough and the relationship is going nowhere.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi, confused2026, and welcome to the BPD family! How have you been?

The other responses are valid. However, from what you described, I have a different opinion on this matter than the other folks.

I've dealt with all kinds of jealousy from 4 different long-term female partners, but what you describe is particularly different. The fact that she makes empty accusations and picks up fights with you makes it clear that the entire point of accusing you is to trigger you into defending, thus creating this cyclic argument. This is not simply because she is insecure and needs validation. This is an uncontrollable unconscious desire to promote conflict with her intimate partner (you) to get you engaged in the discussion, thus capturing your attention, just because this helps her regulate her brain. And based on a German theory on BPD from 2010, the need for this may come from unregulated bonding hormones:

Quote:

"Partner relationships of BPD patients are often problematical and are commonly characterized by “nearness-distance conflicts.” Although the affected persons frequently show frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, they often argue and fight with their partners and end relationships easily. This paradox is not yet understood, but it is probably due to a complex disturbance of the hormones that modulate human bonding."

Source: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-06891-012

Does it make sense to say that this behavior of hers has been reinforced because you kept defending yourself? Have you tried to minimize anything minor (such as stating that you didn't see that woman passing by) or dissuade her from a topic, and that made things worse?

If yes, then the solution is to stop doing all of that and stop getting triggered by those kinds of nonsensical accusations. Initially it will be difficult because she will say that not defending means a confession, but over time she will get tired of trying to engage you in a fight and should eventually give up on it.

And if there are situations in which she gets uneasy, such as taking a walk in the mall, where there may be pretty girls, then you need to talk to her with anticipation (way before the event). First, share your concerns about what you think can go wrong and your true perspective on that kind of situation, without judgment. Then try to make her comfortable in opening up so both of you can discuss how both of you as a team can work it out to make the moment that is to come more pleasurable, or at least normal and free of tensions.

In the case of my partners, I make it clear that whatever I do, my partner will be told right after, or perhaps even before it, because I think telling the truth is always preferred, as it always yields better results, so I don't work with lies, even if they do lie to me. Over time, my blunt honesty makes them believe my word and gives them a sense of security.

Yesterday, my wife asked if a given shoe was from another woman (we are living apart). I told her, very relaxed, that these were her own shoes and that she should not worry because if I had brought another woman to my place, she would know from my mouth, not from her findings. At the same time, I was being patient and gentle with her while trying to comfort her. But I didn't worry about lifting from the computer and walking towards her. We talked across two different rooms.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can see how the situation is not just frustrating, but confusing as suggested by your screenname.

My first guess is that your girlfriend is lonely and misses you.  She wants to be closer to you, but you are at a distance.  Since she has BPD, her thoughts default to negatives, and she assumes the worst--that you're cheating.  She'll make all sorts of accusations to get you to "prove" your devotion to her.  Maybe it doesn't matter to her if you are frustrated and feeling attacked--her "feedback loop" is that she gets your attention when she makes baseless accusations, and so she continues.  While her underlying problem might be loneliness and negativity, she copes by lashing out, and ultimately she's "rewarded" for lashing out because you engage with her and she gets plenty of your attention, even if it's "negative" attention.  Let me guess, you're up until the wee hours arguing and defending yourself.  In the morning you're exhausted, but she's probably feeling better, and she gets to sleep in, right?

Maybe she's trying to exert control over you the only way she knows how--by accusing you of cheating.  She wants your attention all to herself.  And so she's trying to make it difficult/impossible for you to leave the home or spend time with other people.  She wants your undivided attention.  What does she do if you dare mingle with other people?  She says you're cheating, and you start to modify your behavior (such as not going out very often, or not sharing details of your whereabouts), to try to avoid an outburst.  That's her misguided way of CONTROLLING you, to ensure that she has you all to herself.  She's not interested in you having a healthy life, friends, hobbies, etc. because she only considers her own feelings, not yours.  She might think she's entitled to your undivided attention and won't stop until you're with her, serving her, 100% of the time.  Does that sound like a possibility?

And then there's the possibility that she craves "drama."  Were you initially attracted to her because she was intense, alluring, tender, very sensitive, and she made you feel like the center of her universe?  She seemed to fall for you "hard"?  That emotional intensity is part of BPD.  Like you, she probably craves the intensity she felt at the beginning of the relationship.  How does she try to recreate it?  By manufacturing drama.  She's discovered that accusing you of cheating "works" because it gets you on the phone or the plane.

The pwBPD in my life is a consummate drama queen.  She creates drama wherever she goes.  It's not just limited to a romantic relationship; it pervades her entire life.  She has fractured relationships all around her:  family (immediate and extended), ex-roommates, ex-love interests, ex-friends, ex-schoolmates, ex-workmates.  Are there parallels with your girlfriend?  If there are, the takeaway might be that she is basically a drama queen, and her life is full of unstable relationships.  That's reality with BPD.  Clearly some people are attracted to the drama--it's exciting and alluring, and maybe they are made to feel like the "fixer" or "rescuer".  I guess the question is, is that you?

[confused2026]

Thanks to all of you who responded to my post from earlier in the week. You have opened my eyes to many possibilities of causes of her behavior and my possible responses.
She and I live 7000 miles away at the present time. Her ongoing accusations are that I have a relationship with one of her neighbors and also with one of her sisters who lives in her vicinity. In fact, I have never met either of them and my GF knows this. She also accuses me of financially supporting these ladies. In fact, the only person outside my family that I support is my GF since in her area of residence, the job market is depressed and the prevailing wages are low. My GF also knows that I am a one-woman man and have no interest in complicating my life by having relationships with anyone else. Besides, I am 76, all of my energy is taken up my work, and talking to my GF for multiple hours every day.
I did fall head over heels in love with her when we first met. Her attention to me was extremely flattering and fits descriptions given in books on BPD. Unfortunately, I knew nothing of BPD or other personality disorders at the time.
You have given me some terrific insights and I will be working to incorporate your suggestions in my actions and behavior going forward. Thank you, than you!

[Pook075]

She and I live 7000 miles away at the present time.

A few quick questions.  You've been dating for years and she's on the other side of the world.  Have you ever met in person?  And do you have plans to visit her, or have her visit you?

The reason I'm asking is to see how the relationship progresses past the point it's at right now if you can work past these challenges.

I met my current wife on an international Christian dating site, and I'm currently living with her in the Philippines.  So it sounds like our stories are similar but I don't want to assume.  There are many red flags to international dating and them asking for support is at the top of the list.

[confused2026]

Hi Pook075,
Thanks for your response. Yes, my GF and I have met in person twice, for many weeks. My GF is indeed in the Philippines. I am quite familiar with the tendency of Filipinas to ask for financial support. I don't mind supporting my GF since after some months, we made a decision to marry so it seemed appropriate for me to support her. Have you moved to the Philippines indefinitely? Are there other "red flags" that I should be aware of?
Interesting that we have similar stories... It's a small world!

[SuperDaddy]

Oh, now it is clear why she has this type of jealousy. Because this behavior from women is so common in their culture. It is not impossible. Her sister and neighbor could be willing to "take a ride." I have heard that some girls have multiple phones, one for each male partner.

[Pook075]

Hi Pook075,
Thanks for your response. Yes, my GF and I have met in person twice, for many weeks. My GF is indeed in the Philippines. I am quite familiar with the tendency of Filipinas to ask for financial support. I don't mind supporting my GF since after some months, we made a decision to marry so it seemed appropriate for me to support her. Have you moved to the Philippines indefinitely? Are there other "red flags" that I should be aware of?
Interesting that we have similar stories... It's a small world!

Hi Confused,

When I saw your "7,000 miles" comment it made me curious, since I'm right at 7k miles from my home in the US.  For my journey, we're going through the marriage visa process and I'm waiting for the final interview in Manila, which could be a few months or another year...it's hard to guess currently.  I've lived here for almost 2 years now and I really enjoy it.

So you know, the average Filipina's expenses here are around $200-300 per month, although many live on a lot less.  My current expenses here are around $750 a month all-in (house, car insurance, food, utilities, gasoline, etc), to give you an idea. 

Some have joked that the Philippines national pastime is young women stealing married men, so jealousy is a cultural thing here and it's very common.  On the flip side of that, everyone local would know your fiancée is dating a foreigner and they'd look at her like she's filthy rich and expect to share in that wealth.

So she is likely getting comments from her sister and neighbors asking about you...hoping that she'll give them money.  Before I moved here, I had two of my wife's relatives/neighbors reach out to me on Facebook Messenger just to say hi and ask about my life.  My wife was furious and ready to fight them since  this was when we were still dating.  That's so common here though and there's so much jealousy since families have very little.

If you do plan to marry, do you have actual plans on what that looks like?  With the current administration, you'd either have to move here to get married OR bring here there on a fiancée visa.  Some of that jealousy will subside once you're in person, but it could be a long-term challenge as well due to family/culture/etc (plus the mental illness aspect).

My advice would be to just keep doing what you're doing but also be more aware of the money you're sending each month.  It's so hard because everyone here needs help and women are looking for a better life.  Before I met my wife, she worked in Saudi Arabia and Qatar as a maid in horrible conditions.  It was her only choice to support her family though since there's zero opportunity here.