Hurting

[Parents! Get help here!]

Things just seem to be getting worse.  My daughter sent me another awful text.  I had sent her a text saying I loved her and I hope she was doing well and I get a response with judgments, accusations and ultimatums.  I showed my husband the text and I told him how upset I was and that this situation is starting to make me feel suicidal. Rather than comfort and console me he started to rationalize her behaviour and asked me in an arrogant tone, "Do you want to have a relationship with her or not?" I got angry because he started to suggest that he wasn't part of this and I felt so betrayed because this started because he has been triangulating with her (sharing his feelings with her and leaning on her for emotional support during his recent medical crisis), which I believe empowered  her to treat me poorly) . I yelled at him to stop rationalizing and he came at me in a rage and pinned me down on the couch and held my arms down and straddled my legs so I couldn't move. I was in shock and pushed him away. He was visibly angry and he told me to stop using "psychological words." When I asked him why he did that he said he was scared I was going to hurt myself (he needed to make himself believe that but I did not see someone who was scared - lack of accountability). I told him coming at me in anger is what you do to someone who is in crisis? Punching your open hand with your fist is how you show me your scared? I have come to believe over the years that he has a personality disorder but he refuses to get councilling.  Now the stress with my daughter and my distress has caused him to lose control and I have a whole other layer of pain to deal with. First my daughters (one with BPD the other OCD and undiagnosed NPD) cutting me off now my husband abusing me.  How much can one person take? Now I am having to set boundaries with him to stay safe and I feel uncomfortable in my own home.  He has grabbed me by the arms and shaken me once before when the children were young and they witnessed that and I know it hurt them but I was too afraid to leave the marriage then.  I feel my marriage is no longer salvagable and if I leave him I risk losing my daughters because they will blame me for the rupture and may never want to have a relationship with me again. Is there anyway out of this situation?  Any advice?

[CG4ME]

Things just seem to be getting worse.  My daughter sent me another awful text.  I had sent her a text saying I loved her and I hope she was doing well and I get a response with judgments, accusations and ultimatums.  I showed my husband the text and I told him how upset I was and that this situation is starting to make me feel suicidal. Rather than comfort and console me he started to rationalize her behaviour and asked me in an arrogant tone, "Do you want to have a relationship with her or not?" I got angry because he started to suggest that he wasn't part of this and I felt so betrayed because this started because he has been triangulating with her (sharing his feelings with her and leaning on her for emotional support during his recent medical crisis), which I believe empowered  her to treat me poorly) . I yelled at him to stop rationalizing and he came at me in a rage and pinned me down on the couch and held my arms down and straddled my legs so I couldn't move. I was in shock and pushed him away. He was visibly angry and he told me to stop using "psychological words." When I asked him why he did that he said he was scared I was going to hurt myself (he needed to make himself believe that but I did not see someone who was scared - lack of accountability). I told him coming at me in anger is what you do to someone who is in crisis? Punching your open hand with your fist is how you show me your scared? I have come to believe over the years that he has a personality disorder but he refuses to get councilling.  Now the stress with my daughter and my distress has caused him to lose control and I have a whole other layer of pain to deal with. First my daughters (one with BPD the other OCD and undiagnosed NPD) cutting me off now my husband abusing me.  How much can one person take? Now I am having to set boundaries with him to stay safe and I feel uncomfortable in my own home.  He has grabbed me by the arms and shaken me once before when the children were young and they witnessed that and I know it hurt them but I was too afraid to leave the marriage then.  I feel my marriage is no longer salvagable and if I leave him I risk losing my daughters because they will blame me for the rupture and may never want to have a relationship with me again. Is there anyway out of this situation?  Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Wow, it sounds like so much escalated so fast in your relationships.  That's a lot to deal with at once.

Before talking about anyone else though, how are you feeling?  You mentioned that you felt like you were starting to feel suicidal over all of this.  Has that feeling passed?  Do you have anyone you can reach out to talk about those feelings?  I just want to make sure you are able to get help.

[kells76]

I'm so sorry this is going on -- I really understand that when BPD is in a family system, the stress is not just on your relationship with your pwBPD, but on every relationship.

It makes sense that you'd feel shocked and shaken after the incident with your husband. It is possible that you'll need a bit of time to get back down to a baseline after that. I hope you can allow yourself to know you don't have to solve or figure out everything right now. Take care of immediate needs now (personal safety, emotional care), then later you can decide what you want to do about bigger decisions (do you stay in the marriage).

In terms of immediate needs, can you remind me if you have a therapist or counselor? If so, many of them will support you with additional or last minute appointments for a crisis (I had to call my therapist at 10pm once).

If not, have you ever used the 988 or 741741 help/crisis hotlines? I believe you can text or call, whichever is most comfortable for you. You are in control on the call and can talk for as long as you need to, or hang up at any time. Do you think you could try one of those and let us know how it goes?

Longer term, you can think about calling a DV hotline. I had to do that once, too. They are very calm, nonjudgmental, and informed and will be willing to just listen to you, understand your situation and talk through options and ideas. They won't pressure you into doing anything, it's just info and a listening ear. They may be able to help you come up with a "safety plan" for now.

CG4ME, I hear the overwhelm, shock, and exhaustion in your post. It's so understandable given what you've been coping with for so long. I hope you can try a support resource like a hotline and then share with us how that goes for you. We'll be here listening too.

[Mutt]

CG4ME,

I’m really glad you posted.

What happened with your husband isn’t just an argument. Being pinned down and held like that is physical intimidation. No matter what explanation he gives, that crosses a line.

You don’t have to decide the fate of your marriage or your relationship with your daughters tonight. Right now the priority is your safety and your stability.

It makes sense you feel overwhelmed. You reached for support and instead felt overpowered. That’s deeply unsettling.

For now, focus on staying safe and reaching out for outside support - therapist, hotline, someone steady. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

One step at a time.

[js friend]

oh CGAME,

Iam so sorry that you are hurting. It must seem right now that everything is falling apart and that your whole family has turned against you and your husband putting his hands on you will never be acceptable. You were looking for some support or compassion from your spouse and He had no right to do that.

Please dont blame yourself. You didnt press his buttons or ask for that. As others have said you dont have to make any rash decisions right now about your future or where you want to be but please look into getting some emotional support lined up outside of your home if feel that you cant express yourself safely without fear of things escalating. Making an apts to see a GP for the low mood you are experiencing caused by this family crisis and a therapist to talk things through will help..