2 weeks before I tell my stbxBPDw were divorcing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey y’all, just felt the need to post and vent a little bit. My plan is still in motion to inform my wife in two weeks that I’m divorcing her, and giving her paperwork my lawyer’s preparing.

I’m having a lot of mixed feelings - some days, happiness and can’t wait to rip this Band-Aid off. Other days, almost feel crippled with anxiety over it. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Woke up with disaster vision thinking of the various scenarios I might face.

Working through my task list week by week as I get closer. I’ve got my storage unit and started moving important things to me out of the house. I have a post office box to have packages and change mailing addresses as needed. Currently all the household bills are paid from a joint bank account. Leading up to the time I tell her I’m transitioning all the auto payments to a separate individual bank account. Once I tell her, I won’t be keeping any funds in the joint account. By the end of next week, I’m planning to get some banker boxes to pack up and get some files, passports, other docs I want to be sure are safe out of the house.

I’m resolute, but I still have a lot of moments where I feel like a fraud because of the lies I’m having to tell week by week. I know 100%. This is the right decision. But it does feel bad cause I’m still pretending as if I’m staying. I’m sure it’ll just be one more reason for her to split an attack me.


But even this week, it’s hilarious. There’s daily drinking and marijuana use. She keeps saying things like she’s changed so much, there are hardly any blow ups. (I just think in terms of if this was a spouse getting beat physically would she say “I’m only beating you once month now, you should be happy” ) Such baloney. The other day she talked about how she was respecting my new budget, I recently told her I wasn’t going spend more than $400 a month eating out. Soon to be zero dollars for her. Then last night she asked me if we’re still going out to eat for Thursday or Friday this week. I said yes, but woke up this morning thinking to myself, messed up it is. We have a family day planned out tomorrow that’s probably gonna cost at least $200. The kids are really looking forward to it, I’m hoping we can enjoy the day. Then this weekend my sister comes with her three kids so we have houseguests for five days. And this is the sort of nonsense, I’m already gonna be over budget tomorrow with the family outing, it’s gonna be an additional cost for groceries and what not hosting more people. So now I have to have the conversation which shouldn’t be uncomfortable, but it is because it’s her, letting her know that if she wants to go out for dinner Thursday or Friday she has to pay. And really if she has money to go out she should chip in for groceries instead. That would be common sense. Actually common sense would be not eating out every week, let alone twice a week, which is what she wants and expects.

I know this is gonna cost a lot financially to go through this divorce process, but I still feel very confident that in the long term I’m gonna be much better off financially.

The other little wrinkle happened this past weekend. The details don’t even matter, it’s the same pattern. Escalations, she’s threatening separation and wanted  me to go with her to look at apartments for her. I said she can go look, but it’s not what I wanted to do that day. She wasn’t serious about it, she’s just trying to get attention or wants me to beg for her not to go. I did bring up the apartment listing website on her computer to show her apartments in our area. I left the house to do some grocery shopping and just get away from her. Apparently she had posted something on social media saying she was looking for apartments or something like that. I didn’t see it but while I’m out my 19-year-old daughter text me and asked me what’s this post mom just did about an apartment? My wife must’ve taken it down right away because it wasn’t on her page when I saw it and my daughter said she didn’t see it either anymore. But my wife talked to her mother. And that’s when her mom told her she wanted to come down right away…


Now my MIL is pretty good and definitely sees the patterns and extreme behaviors. But I would also consider her an enabler. She doesn’t call my wife out on her behaviors. And even though she’s seen my wife explode, she still says platitudes to me that it takes two to argue… after my wife rages that takes two?? Anyway, I’ve texted my mother-in-law a couple times since then and she hasn’t responded, which is fairly unusual. I just texted her and let her know she’s of course welcome anytime and if she had made any decisions about what dates she might come down. Crickets so far. For me the dilemma is I don’t know if this is going to mess up my plans on how I’m going to tell my wife. I actually think it may be a really good thing if her mother is here to give her support, maybe even be present when I tell her.

Logistically this messes me up a little bit however if my mother-in-law is here the week, I’m telling my wife… I had it all planned out that while my wife is at work for the day I would be doing the last-minute packing up of my things frantically, moving a few things into storage so making a few trips there. But the bigger thing was installing a deadbolt on the spare room door and moving all my belongings from our bedroom to the spare room, essentially moving myself in there and having a locked room to keep things in complete with cameras.  If my mother-in-law is there, she’ll be staying in the spare room is the issue. There’s no other area that’s really available for me to put my clothes and bedroom belongings.

Anyway, it’ll be what it’ll be. Trying to look at this positively. Her mom might be able to calm her down somewhat and it would be good for my wife to have support, or help her in finding an apartment asap would be a dream. But don’t know for sure if she’s coming so continuing as if she won’t be here for the time being.

[campbembpd]

Hey y’all, just felt the need to post and vent a little bit. My plan is still in motion to inform my wife in two weeks that I’m divorcing her, and giving her paperwork my lawyer’s preparing.

I’m having a lot of mixed feelings - some days, happiness and can’t wait to rip this Band-Aid off. Other days, almost feel crippled with anxiety over it. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Woke up with disaster vision thinking of the various scenarios I might face.

Working through my task list week by week as I get closer. I’ve got my storage unit and started moving important things to me out of the house. I have a post office box to have packages and change mailing addresses as needed. Currently all the household bills are paid from a joint bank account. Leading up to the time I tell her I’m transitioning all the auto payments to a separate individual bank account. Once I tell her, I won’t be keeping any funds in the joint account. By the end of next week, I’m planning to get some banker boxes to pack up and get some files, passports, other docs I want to be sure are safe out of the house.

I’m resolute, but I still have a lot of moments where I feel like a fraud because of the lies I’m having to tell week by week. I know 100%. This is the right decision. But it does feel bad cause I’m still pretending as if I’m staying. I’m sure it’ll just be one more reason for her to split an attack me.


But even this week, it’s hilarious. There’s daily drinking and marijuana use. She keeps saying things like she’s changed so much, there are hardly any blow ups. (I just think in terms of if this was a spouse getting beat physically would she say “I’m only beating you once month now, you should be happy” ) Such baloney. The other day she talked about how she was respecting my new budget, I recently told her I wasn’t going spend more than $400 a month eating out. Soon to be zero dollars for her. Then last night she asked me if we’re still going out to eat for Thursday or Friday this week. I said yes, but woke up this morning thinking to myself, messed up it is. We have a family day planned out tomorrow that’s probably gonna cost at least $200. The kids are really looking forward to it, I’m hoping we can enjoy the day. Then this weekend my sister comes with her three kids so we have houseguests for five days. And this is the sort of nonsense, I’m already gonna be over budget tomorrow with the family outing, it’s gonna be an additional cost for groceries and what not hosting more people. So now I have to have the conversation which shouldn’t be uncomfortable, but it is because it’s her, letting her know that if she wants to go out for dinner Thursday or Friday she has to pay. And really if she has money to go out she should chip in for groceries instead. That would be common sense. Actually common sense would be not eating out every week, let alone twice a week, which is what she wants and expects.

I know this is gonna cost a lot financially to go through this divorce process, but I still feel very confident that in the long term I’m gonna be much better off financially.

The other little wrinkle happened this past weekend. The details don’t even matter, it’s the same pattern. Escalations, she’s threatening separation and wanted  me to go with her to look at apartments for her. I said she can go look, but it’s not what I wanted to do that day. She wasn’t serious about it, she’s just trying to get attention or wants me to beg for her not to go. I did bring up the apartment listing website on her computer to show her apartments in our area. I left the house to do some grocery shopping and just get away from her. Apparently she had posted something on social media saying she was looking for apartments or something like that. I didn’t see it but while I’m out my 19-year-old daughter text me and asked me what’s this post mom just did about an apartment? My wife must’ve taken it down right away because it wasn’t on her page when I saw it and my daughter said she didn’t see it either anymore. But my wife talked to her mother. And that’s when her mom told her she wanted to come down right away…


Now my MIL is pretty good and definitely sees the patterns and extreme behaviors. But I would also consider her an enabler. She doesn’t call my wife out on her behaviors. And even though she’s seen my wife explode, she still says platitudes to me that it takes two to argue… after my wife rages that takes two?? Anyway, I’ve texted my mother-in-law a couple times since then and she hasn’t responded, which is fairly unusual. I just texted her and let her know she’s of course welcome anytime and if she had made any decisions about what dates she might come down. Crickets so far. For me the dilemma is I don’t know if this is going to mess up my plans on how I’m going to tell my wife. I actually think it may be a really good thing if her mother is here to give her support, maybe even be present when I tell her.

Logistically this messes me up a little bit however if my mother-in-law is here the week, I’m telling my wife… I had it all planned out that while my wife is at work for the day I would be doing the last-minute packing up of my things frantically, moving a few things into storage so making a few trips there. But the bigger thing was installing a deadbolt on the spare room door and moving all my belongings from our bedroom to the spare room, essentially moving myself in there and having a locked room to keep things in complete with cameras.  If my mother-in-law is there, she’ll be staying in the spare room is the issue. There’s no other area that’s really available for me to put my clothes and bedroom belongings.

Anyway, it’ll be what it’ll be. Trying to look at this positively. Her mom might be able to calm her down somewhat and it would be good for my wife to have support, or help her in finding an apartment asap would be a dream. But don’t know for sure if she’s coming so continuing as if she won’t be here for the time being.

[Yochana1950]

A lot of pressure on you now!   I am making the assumption you are locking yourself in one bedroom until she finds an apartment and she will be in the rest of the house. I am just looking from a different perspective but would it be possible to rent an apartment for her and while she is at work move her crucial stuff to the apartment and  then hire a mover to take big stuff on a different day that wife agrees to??I absolutely don't know all the details so I may be COMPLETELY out of my element ...if so, I appologize for any wrong thinking on my part! 

[ForeverDad]

Since we don't know the details of your divorce paperwork, we can't comment on whether it is practical for your local circumstances.  What your lawyer likely warned you is that things can go sideways in the implementation.  (If not, then this is the warning!)  The risk of police involvement or wild - though unsubstantiated - allegations of DV, neglect or abuse is lurking there just under the surface.

So be very cautious the next few months, especially before and after serving the paperwork.  Might not be wise to serve her yourself in a private scenario thinking to spare her embarrassment.  At least have some witnesses nearby who can prove you didn't misbehave or cause an incident.

This is a time to behave 24/7 as though you had the judge looking over your shoulder.  If she uses drugs or alcohol, that's on her, but you must be squeaky clean in case an "incident" does occur - or is alleged - and the police, children's protective services or whatever get involved.

And don't be surprised if she senses something is up in the coming days... she may be disordered, drugging herself or whatever, but your spouse also has years of experience attuned to subtle nuances and manipulating situations.

I recall the day I called the police, triggering our separation.  When they arrived my preschooler was clinging to me in my arms and quietly sobbing, not with his mother, yet their professional solution was to give default preference to the mother.  Yes, I was asked to hand our son to his mother and "step away".  I didn't get carted off only because our son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  When I later got a divorce lawyer, he was surprised, saying default police policy is to defuse a domestic dispute by removing the man.  Be aware.  Beware.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi campbembpd,

I admire you for having all of the energy and disposition to do this secretly while still pretending to be cooperative with her. However, it seems like there is one big mistake that you're about to make.

Like ForeverDad said, you should be ready for total havoc to happen after she gets to know your plans. Giving yourself the paperwork for her is likely to put yourself at risk. You should be prepared for the worst reactions, and that could include literally putting the house on fire. But the easiest path is to physically attack you and then call the police on you, claiming you have done domestic violence, and then get you removed.

Are you expecting anything different from that? Are you expecting her to cooperate and just sign the papers? Well, most likely, cooperation only happens when your spouse finds herself completely out of options and about to see the worst, such as losing custody of kids. But yet it will still not be worth it to make any dal, because she is most likely not going to comply with whatever you have agreed on. You should expect to be painted black and be turned into her target.

The interesting thing is that you probably already know all of what I just said, but unconsciously you might be expecting something different? Think about it; what are you expecting to happen? Some sort of miracle? Would you wish she would change, saving you from going through with the divorce? In these moments, you should try to let go of hopes like this, which can't be justified.

If by any chance you want to save the marriage, you must first create a situation in which she cooperates with the separation, like I did, making her run out of options and taking advantage of the fact that she also has hopes in the relationship.

On the other hand, if you don't want to save it, then just make sure everything is handled to her by an officer, preferably a police officer. Make sure you and your stuff are safe, and the kids don't get involved.

[PeteWitsend]

....

Working through my task list week by week as I get closer. I’ve got my storage unit and started moving important things to me out of the house. I have a post office box to have packages and change mailing addresses as needed. Currently all the household bills are paid from a joint bank account. Leading up to the time I tell her I’m transitioning all the auto payments to a separate individual bank account. Once I tell her, I won’t be keeping any funds in the joint account. By the end of next week, I’m planning to get some banker boxes to pack up and get some files, passports, other docs I want to be sure are safe out of the house.

...

I would move funds out of her reach ***before*** you tell her anything.

In my own experience, BPDxw tried looting all our accounts after telling me that we were getting divorced.  Apparently she thought that if she took all our money, I couldn't hire an attorney and file.  And remember: SHE told me we were getting divorced the day before.

She wasn't able to get money out of our kid's accounts though because of a bank oversight that left her name off them.  So I had enough to pay the retainer and file.

she tried to loot everything while I was at work. She should've also been at work, but for her, all responsibilities went out the door once she went into "panic mode"

The lack of long term planning was evident here: "I hold all tje money, so you have to stay married to me."  LOL... what the hell kind of relationship did she think that would make going forward?

[CC43]

Hi there,

Good for you for planning ahead and getting your life in order before filing for divorce.  I think I remember your story, and I probably remarked, if you think your wife is difficult now, just wait until she learns of the divorce.  My gut tells me the reaction won't be good.

I'm writing because your title states you plan to TELL your volatile BPDw that you are divorcing.  I think it might be unwise to tell her while you're alone with her, because of how she might react--she could boil over and accuse you of assualt.  I think if I were in your situation, I'd just leave the house and then have someone officially serve her the papers.  I have a family member who basically did just that--completely moving out of the marital home in secret, leaving her young kids in my care while she moved out her stuff one morning with the help of a moving crew, and hiring lawyers to start the divorce process.  Her disordered partner was prone to wild outbursts, and he would threaten her with leathal weapons, especially when under the influence.  I'm not a lawyer, but serving papers would officially start the divorce process; otherwise your wife could try to ignore the whole thing.  But my sense is that she'll be apoplectic.

I'd say, you need to prioritize taking care of yourself and protecting your kid(s), both physically and financially, over any sense of obligation to be "nice" and "fair."  My guess is that you have spent years, if not decades, trying to be Mr. Nice and Fair, in the name of "saving" your family and appeasing your wife.  But now you have to put yourself first, for your future's sake and that of your kid(s).  You might think of it as a "professional" separation--by the book, following the rules, corresponding only through lawyers and a co-parenting app, to minimize any drama.  Look, being compassionate and compromising just hasn't worked in your relationship, and I bet you feel some grief there.  Since your BPDw isn't cooperative, you need the legal system to intervene; my sense is that a mediator won't work.  I'd say, let the legal system do its work.  I think you have to assume your BPDw is going to be irrational, uncooperative and explosive.  She might not be, and that would be great, but I think right now you have to assume the most likely scenario and act accordingly.  If you think of it as a "professional" separation, maybe that will help you push aside the feelings of guilt and fear, and think as rationally as possible.  Does that make sense?

I'm not sure if you have mentioned this previously, but a co-parenting app can help minimize direct contact with your disordered wife.  Basically all the logistics around your kid(s) needs, activities, education, healthcare, etc. are managed through the app, which keeps a record of all written interactions and shares information in a neutral manner.  That helps establish a paper trail when it comes to the care of your kid(s), should your wife have joint custody or visitation.

In addition, if your wife has access to "your" money, I'd advise, don't assume she doesn't know how to get at it and take it.  I find that pwBPD might feign incompetence (e.g. with banking apps), only to turn around and then withdraw funds quickly and easily when they need to.  I think sometimes they feign incompetence in order to get others to take care of them, a little bit like a kid, because they crave that.  But at the end of the day, I think they are more competent than they let on.

Just my two cents.  Wishing you the best.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Now my MIL is pretty good and definitely sees the patterns and extreme behaviors. But I would also consider her an enabler. She doesn’t call my wife out on her behaviors. And even though she’s seen my wife explode, she still says platitudes to me that it takes two to argue… after my wife rages that takes two?? Anyway, I’ve texted my mother-in-law a couple times since then and she hasn’t responded, which is fairly unusual. I just texted her and let her know she’s of course welcome anytime and if she had made any decisions about what dates she might come down. Crickets so far. For me the dilemma is I don’t know if this is going to mess up my plans on how I’m going to tell my wife. I actually think it may be a really good thing if her mother is here to give her support, maybe even be present when I tell her.

...

I wanted to add: Be extra careful what you say and do around your in laws.  From your other posts, it sounds like they will close ranks around their daughter before you even know what's happening.  do not assume they're in the dark, and do not worry about their feelings or hurting anyone.  Do what you have to do for you and your kids.

a pwBPD will say bad things about you regardless of whether you behaved fairly in a divorce or unfairly to them.  Don't allow concern for their feelings to cloud your judgment

[At Bay]

Hi, I like how the planning is going, and all the comments above.

The advice about protecting yourself and the kids when a  scene is likely is very true. Have you thought about avoiding the risk of being alone with her in the house, even if there is a lock on the spare room's door.

You could consider putting yourself and the kids in a hotel room, leaving the divorce papers on a table, and then calling and telling her over the phone that you can't live there and keep your sanity, nor does she seem happy. Let her know the papers are there and that she needs to show them to a lawyer.

When you need to return to the house, a police officer can stand by, and if your wife has trashed anything, he or she is a witness to the damage. They stand by like that all the time and would rather do that than see escalation and physical harm come to someone.

She can't say you did anything to her if you're not there.

[ForeverDad]

Using your lawyer's process server is the least risky option.  This way you know service is accomplished and reported to the court.  Downsides?  The process server might not find her or get delayed elsewhere and then service has to be done at another time.  Or she might get upset that you didn't do it yourself.  Frankly, nothing you do or don't do will make her happy.

[campbembpd]

Thanks, so many great comments and warnings! I really appreciate all the continued support. I know many of you have already gone through similar situations.

For clarification when I say “kids” they are my adult kids, my daughter is 19 and my son is 21. The 21-year-old is disabled and we are currently joint guardians. If my timeline holds, I’m planning to tell my wife when my daughter is out of state visiting family. And I won’t do it alone in the house. It will either be public or possibly leaving the paperwork. There is a good idea with me and my son out out of the house.

Also, just a quick update before I respond in comment on some of the people‘s responses here, we had a family day planned yesterday to an event that my wife bought tickets for the family for Christmas. This was a very rare thing indeed, she usually doesn’t spend money on the family like this. We were all looking forward to it, but she started the day off with me asking about planning for a vacation vacations for this year. We’ve already discussed it and I’ve been pretty clear that I’m not gonna go on any vacations until I know we can save for it. But that was the note the day started out on. As the day went on first of all, she drank four drinks before consuming any food early afternoon. Then she got mad because she didn’t feel valued enough for doing this incredible thing for the family. I’d already set a couple times during the day with the kids present thanking her and calling out the fact that she did this. Never mind I’m paying for this stuff all the time. When she doesn’t even a small act, she wants a parade. Things escalated as the day went on and it pretty much ruined another family day out. No surprises. In a way I was glad because with the time ticking, this should probably be the last family day out like that with her present. The day ended with her talking about a Bible study, and how I’m not following what the Bible says in putting their wives above everything else, I don’t think that’s what the Bible meant… She keeps pressing for a couples therapy, which I’ve told her I won’t do until she makes progress and can regulate herself emotionally during these times. I ended up in the spare room. Anyway, the big thing is she went to look for apartments today! She didn’t tell me, but we use Life360 and it alerted she left the house. Her email is set up on my phone so I saw she had made a number of appointments for apartments. I imagine most likely this is some sort of escalation to get my attention since the usual threats and things aren’t getting me to cave in or chase her. But there’s a piece of me that is cheering inside. Praying that she’s serious and she’s gonna move out. That would make this amazing and so much easier. She hasn’t revealed any of this to me about the apartment so I’m just gonna play dumb unless she brings it up.

I’m initially serving her with three items, not the filing for the divorce. It’s going to be a letter with a statement of intent. Our preliminary agreement basically saying we’re gonna split everything 50-50 and my financial affidavit.

I’m in Florida and I believe mediation is mandatory, there isn’t much to quibble over except for alimony. 

FD - you said to be careful because she may be sensing something is in the air. I was literally just talking to my therapist about this and I think 100%. She’s sensing something, despite my best effort efforts to keep the status quo. For one I’m just not reacting like I used to. But I can tell she’s getting more serious and I think she can sense that there’s something different…

Several people commented to be cautious because things can go sideways quickly. I hundred percent believe that. It’s weird how trauma buttons make us forget how bad things are sometimes or how abusive and terrible our pwBPDs can be. I expect more than likely. It will be a very bad reaction. I’m gonna be doing my best to spend a little time around her as possible, and always be recording if I’m in her presence. And most definitely during the time I disclose my intention to divorce. I haven’t figured it out exactly but it will not be in the house. Just us two.

I have no intention or desire to save the marriage. I mean, I hope nothing but the best for her I sincerely do but it’s gonna be without me. And it’s nice to think that maybe one day far away in the future we can be amicable with each other. But I’m not counting on that certainly not anytime soon.

Yoch - in theory that would be great, but in our state absolutely cannot do that. Unless there is an order of protection, both of us have equal right to remain in the house. So I can’t move her out while she’s gone. We can’t force the other to leave.

They are not many funds in joint accounts. I keep a small balance in there every couple of weeks just to pay the month-to-month bills. But absolutely that account will be near or at zero dollars before I tell her.

CC43 - I laughed out loud a little bit because I think that in my head and I’m probably posted it somewhere and certainly told people that before. I think of how poorly and abusive she’s treated me now when we’re supposed to be married and she’s supposed to love me. How bad could I possibly get when she knows we’re divorcing and there’s no chance of reconciliation 

As far as access to financial accounts or other things, I have a list of everything we have shared passwords for, and I’ve slowly been going through and changing those. Those will be changed at least a few days before I tell her. She already doesn’t have access to my banking.

Yeah, there’s no good way to do this as you all know. It’s kind of funny for years, a decade or more, especially I’ve struggled to find the right words, how do I phrase things, how do I time conversation conversations? None of it works, it doesn’t matter! And this won’t be any different, but I just need to try to keep myself out of the line of fire.

I really hope she’s serious about this apartment situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mother-in-law is supporting her in this, I mean, nothing would make me happier! But it could easily be a ploy to gauge my reaction when she tells me. So I also have to play it kind of cool . I don’t think it makes everything go away for sure but if this turns out for her thinking, this is more her idea, that wouldn’t be “as “bad.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi campbembpd,

Consider buying a smartwatch that has a camera and allows you to record every interaction. It's better than a smartphone because it's not so easy to destroy, and it won't intimidate her. You still have time to buy it. You don't need to point it to her, because the audio will be recorded anyway.

I have special glasses that can record many hours, but the frame is a bit thick, and the image quality is too bad at night.