First post, need encouragement

[Traveler80]

My wife and I have been married for a few years, one baby.  I knew from engagement that she had some severe issues with emotions. I knew I'd be in for some hard times, but I loved her and thought that I could "help her" (boy was I wrong). My counselor at the time even said that based one what I said, he thought she could have BPD. I didn't even know what that was. He even warned me how hard something like that is to deal with .  Again, I felt very strongly that I wanted to marry her.

Since marriage, the masks have come off. I never realized how nasty someone could be toward their spouse.  I am generally a very easy going, relaxed, jolly, peaceful person.  I am a strong Christian and it has taken me years to get to this place, but I generally just am a person who lets things roll off his back.  I think the Lord equipped me with extraordinary patience, love, caring.  Generally, her default is not horrible....but at best just depressive and ready to be triggered at any moment. She has a very stressful job.  I learned early on she gets very stressed out by work, life, finances...then she turns that anxiety on me.  Critical of every little thing I do, say, don't do.  Every day is walking on egg-shells.  About once a week, maybe every other week if we are in a good season, she has a major blow-up.  Almost always about something so incredibly miniscule.  Blow-out argument, berating me, saying very nuclear and off-limits things (divorce, regret marrying me, bringing up painful things in my past, says how horrible I am).  Then she shifts into a half-hearted apology, then we fight even more. Then an apology. Then self deprecation.  Then it is like...boom...she totally pretends it never happened and wants me to just move one.

Meanwhile, every day I feel like her court jester.  I have incredibly stressful jobs...yet I come home and try to just be happy, upbeat, and joyful. She is like Eeor. I try to make her smile. Write her notes. Give her flowers and gifts. Do a lot of things for her.  I make dinner most days, because she is too fatigued.  When she wrongs me, I still am almost always the one to have to make amends.  I pour out my life to serve, respect, protect her.  Yet, I very rarely get any reciprocal acts or attitude.  She admits she knows she doesn't do much for me, she wants to try harder.  But really never does.  She doesn't really like sex. I appreciate when she does it anyway, when we do.  But certainly it rarely feels like it is this two way reciprocal love thing, more of a duty.

She hates where we live. She holds it over my head all the time. Like once a week. She blames where we live on her issues, which is just nonsense (she had them before we lived here).  She just wants me to up and move and quit my job.  When I actually say I would move...she says "no, maybe we need to stay here".  It drive me insane.

We had a baby last year, he is our pride and joy. So sweet. But now she has some little guy to love, at my expense.  A whole new set of things I don't do right "because I don't care for the baby", or for other people not to do right.  Last year she had a total blow-up with my mom and dad, for no reason. My parents are so sweet, Christian, loving. They love her, even though they know she has major issues.  They have only tried to help.  Then, my mom was visiting helping with the baby and she had a HUGE blowout against here, for something so minor I don't even remember what it was. My mom was flabbergasted. She has heard from my how she can act, and saw it a bit the previous year, but she saw it in FULL BLOWOUT mode this time.  Screaming.  Aggressiveness.  She tried to storm out and get in her car and drive away (she wasn't drinking,but very upset and not fit to drive). I took the keys from here. She took an iPhone cable and wrapped it around her neck and started to choke herself.  I took it away and Called my mom in.  My mom started to record with her camera, out of a sense of being able to show her how she was acting and because my mom just had no clue what was going on.  Well, that sent my wife into an even bigger melt-down...."DELETE THAT VIDEO!!!I WILL SUE YOU". She tried to take the phone from my mom.  I threatened to call 911, she melted down even more "that will RUIN ME".  I should have just done it.  But I did say I was calling our pastor.  My mom was so flabbergasted and upset, she packed up her bags and went to the curb to get an uber. It broke my heart. It is my mom. She is the sweetest person.  She flew home the next day.  She then followed me around the house insisting we "talk" (by talking, I mean her berating me and my mom). She would not leave me alone, so I got in the car and told her I was going to the office (it was late at night). Then I sat in a parking lot and called a pastor I know and said I was in trouble and needed someone to talk to right now. He said I could come over, I did.     She also had a major blow out with a friend.  In both cases she has been so angry at me for not being equally outraged and nasty toward them, but rather asking her to reconcile and forgive.

I have since told her very clearly, that if she ever threatens her life again, in words or actions, I will call the authorities.

I can't even begin to tell you the long list of horrible things she will say to me.  Today she got so angry at me for absolutely no reason.  She started to wail while holding our son.  He started crying. I said "I am not mad, let me take him because he is getting upset". She went into "you are trying to take him away from me" (abandonment stuff, she said this to my mom). And she kicked me away (not hard).  I tried to settle this all day. Give space. She kept at it.  Tonight she hounded me again, blocked the doorway and demanded I come to bed. I said no, I need space.  She shoved me (not very hard) into the bathroom.  It concerns me she is now willing to get physical.  She said something like "you are a grown man, you can't handle a woman?".

Again, I think anyone looking in objectively would be so awed by how patient, loving, understanding I have been with her...despite how she has treated me.  When she is not triggered, she knows this and feels very bad about it. She always says how much I do for her, how she wonders why I am so nice to her, etc.  I just do it because it is my duty to love her, and I try to have the joy and love of Christ outflowing (imperfectly).  Yet I find myself become ever more depressed, impatient, and prone to anger myself (responding to her).  I have NEVER had an anger issue, my entire life. Now, I just can't even deal with her toxicity. I tried to walk away, get space, cool down.  She just hounds me and creates me from text, calling, from the other room.  Even in my anger, I have NEVER said anything intentionally to hurt or berate her, only telling her things that are true out of a desire to help her understand how I feel (that she is being very toxic to me, that she is being bitter towards someone, etc.).  She equivocates that with the same as saying the absolutely intentional harmful things to me.  It is so enraging. Gaslighting at its finest.  I do find myself raising my voice more frequently, sometimes with my son present, and saying some foul words (which I NEVER used to do...to anyone).

Some of the most painful things she has done that just wear on me (other than the issue with my mom) are things like: when I had a friend call and say another friend had died, we were on our way to meet her family for the first time. I cried. She said something like "are you going to cry in front of my family? Do we need to stay home?" She was worried I'd embarrass her.  I rarely get sick, but this one time I was so ill that I woke up in the middle of the night, took a long hot shower, then barely could get out of the shower. I literally just threw some towels on the bathroom floor and laid down and essentially passed out buck naked.  She woke up and found me laying there half-dead looking and the first thing she asked "are those the good towels?".  Meanwhile, when she is sad, I kiss her tears.  When her grandma died, I consoled her. When she is sick, I have held back her hair and cleaned up her vomit, nursed her like a child.   

One time she read my old dairy. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. I have told her EVERYTHING about my life, any skeletons (and they aren't really that bad).  I don't really care that she saw my diary. I wasn't hiding it.  But that she felt free to just look through it...well...that is not cool. Even worse, she read some entry about a girl I really was pursuing like 15 years ago. She confessed that she read it, but then proceeds to compare herself to this girl...and hold it over my head.  She also has spied on my phone and looked at texts to my mom and best friends about her (then took them out of context and got mad at me). She knows that I have two best friends I can tell ANYTHING about our marriage, and she has permission to ask them anything about me (and they have permission to share).  I established this as a method of trust. I have said, I need friends to process things with. They are very trustworthy.  She also knows that I tell some things to my family, not all.  I changed my phone password, which KILLS me to think I cannot trust my own wife.

We are both Christians (though she does not exhibit much fruit at home) and to many people look like this perfectly happy cute Christian family.  She is incredibly sweet to strangers and others.   Yet, inside we have a horrible marriage. I feel like a total fraud.  I feel like it would be easier if people just knew we were in trouble and didn't think so highly of us as a married couple.  I always remind her when she compares herself to another couple...I say "you know, people probably look at us and think how perfect we are...but they know nothing about what goes on in our family".

 Sure, we have many okay days each week, and sometimes some very great days.  And we both love our son very much.  I love my wife, in the same why, I think a father would love his wayward son....I love and care for her...wont' give up on her.... but I don't like her right now, nor do I feel in-love with her.  have NEVER said that to her. EVER.  My heart can't even handle saying something like that to my wife.  I have resisted even uttering something like divorce (as a Christian I do not believe that divorce should even be an option unless the extreme cases, especially of infidelity), though she threatens it all the time.  I don't want to divorce. I want her to find healing. I don't want to put our son in the middle of a divorce. Heaven forbid we ever did get divorced, I do not trust that her family would not demonize me (because I see how they demonize another ex-husband) and try to take my son totally (my family would not demonize her).  I Can't believe I am even typing this out.

This has made my life miserable. Walking on eggshells in my own home. Wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day.  Even when they are not bad, it is just surviving.  Today I had a major bout of depressive feelings, a deep sense of hopelessness I have felt for about 2 weeks when I had COVID years ago (and I think have a little bit of PTSD from.  I have had it. I can't do this much longer.  This is no way to live. I am concerned for my son and his mental health if we cannot find healing.  It has strained my relationship with my family (they love me, but need distance from her), from some friends, and my relationship with God...if I were to be honest.

I have begged and begged and begged for her to get counseling. She has started and stopped a few times. She finally is seeing one (maybe 4-5 times now). She likely has not even broached anything more than "work is stressful" with her.  I don't think this one is trained in BPD/DBT, but it is the one one we could get for now. We have met with our pastor (which I am surprised she was willing to do) and he said he was going to hold us accountable to get marriage counseling. We do have an appointment with one. But, again, I am not living in much hope. I also am starting counseling again (I have been in it many times) because I need to protect my own heart and have someone to process with.

I am thankful for these boards. It is helpful to know there are others who deal with the same thing. And to feel validated.One of the hardest parts of this is that she does not admit to having BPD (or any problem) and she projects it all on me.  Tonight was so engaging when she was telling me I am the one with an anger problem, that treats her horribly, that gaslights, etc...It makes you question your own sanity.  I made a mistake in engaging with her, and not just letting it go.  I have started to keep a private locked electronic journal of major blow outs...not as a matter of "recording sin" to hold it over her head (like she does me), but for my own sanity and to remind myself that despite her gaslighting me...she has been the one emotionally abusing and manipulating me.  She has been the one to threaten divorce multiple times, mock our marriage, mock my vocation, threaten her life, actually attempt to take her life (probably didn't mean it though), disrespect my mom (I have always treated her with kindness and respect), kick and shove me, leave the house with baby and turn off GPS, slam doors, pull up unrelated hurtful things just to hurt me, cry uncontrollably with the baby, read my emails and diary behind my back, etc.. Those are not signs of a healthy person.

I want us to be healthy. I want to love my wife again. I want us to raise our son to be healthy. I want more kids.  I am just at my wits end and don't know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Traveler80,

I’m really glad you found the forum and decided to post. It takes a lot of courage to write something this personal, especially when things at home feel so heavy.

A lot of what you described will feel very familiar to many members here. Living in a situation where you never quite know when the next blow-up might happen can be incredibly exhausting. I remember there were times when I would come home from work and honestly have no idea what kind of evening I was walking into. Sometimes it felt like I might be stepping onto a landmine the moment I walked through the door. That kind of unpredictability can wear a person down over time.

You also mentioned something that many people here experience. After living with that level of stress for a long time, we sometimes notice changes in ourselves too. Feeling more anger, exhaustion, or hopelessness than we used to is a very common reaction when someone has been walking on eggshells for a long time.

It’s good to hear that you’re reaching out for support for yourself and that counseling and marriage counseling are being considered. Taking care of your own stability and having a place where you can process what you’re experiencing can make a real difference.

If you’re open to it, this article on setting boundaries is one that many members here have found helpful when things at home start to feel chaotic or overwhelming:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Feel free to share more about what has been hardest for you lately. There are many people here who understand what you’re going through.

I’m really glad you reached out.

[ForeverDad]

My counselor at the time even said that based one what I said, he thought she could have BPD. I didn't even know what that was.

Most people who arrive here also had no inkling what they were dealing with.  Although there is therapy for BPD, it requires years of diligent application in life and perceptions.  The problem is that many have extreme levels of Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Since marriage, the masks have come off. I never realized how nasty someone could be toward their spouse.  I am generally a very easy going, relaxed, jolly, peaceful person.

There is an acronym mentioned when discussing BPD... F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I will speak here about the Obligation aspect.  As bad as it was before marriage, many report it got worse after events that made the other feel you had become more "obligated" to the relationship.  Ponder how (1) getting married and (2) having children increased that perception and thereby increased the risk that the other would more freely let out their inner turmoil.

She hates where we live. She holds it over my head all the time. Like once a week.

Frankly, moving would not 'fix' her core issues.  The problem is not the location of your residence.  Nor is it your job, her job, the coworkers, the neighbors, whether it is sunny or rainy, etc.  Yet the hardest thing for the other to do is to look inside one's self and honestly deal with the insecurities, stresses and distresses.

How receptive would your spouse be to starting counseling or therapy sessions?  She may not be receptive to that idea but just maybe if you present it as her joining you and doing it together with many sessions separately for individual focus... maybe...

This peer support site is intended for those in relationships with people with BPD.  However, those with BPD shouldn't come here since they could be easily triggered into overreactions and trigger even more discord in the home by the information and discussions here.

You can feel free to browse, learn and ask.  Do take advantage of the wealth of collective wisdom accumulated here over the years here and discover many time-tested tools, communication skills and practical strategies here.

[Anonymous22]

H Traveler80!  Welcome   I am so sorry you are going through what you are going through.  I completely understand, as I have been there.  I have not even "walked on eggshells", it was more like "tiptoed on eggshells".  My uBPDh and I have 5 children, 3 from past relationships (1 him and 2 me) and 2 children together.  Just about everything you have mentioned, I have been there.  We have gone through several individual therapists (where I assume, like you, that the "issues" talked about were always his work stress) which eventually he would stop after 3 or 4 sessions as "he didn't need therapy" and several couple's therapists which he would stop as "they always took my side" or "he was too busy to go", etc.  Things just continued to get worse and  about a year + ago, 911 was called on my uBPDh.  Things have not been easy, but both of us have been forced to see that what was happening, on both sides, was not working.  For me, I have had to realize that the only thing that I can change is me.  While that sounds like an easy concept, it is not, as it leaves me with the fact that the only person who can change my H is my H.  That is the fist thing that I had to accept, I can only control me.  But with that said, I get to control me and my H does not.  That means that if we need groceries, I can go to the store to get them (I know that I am going to the store, not out to have an affair); if one of my kids needs an article of clothing, I can buy it for them (money can get spent on all of the kids, not just his); if one of my kids has a sports game, I can go watch them (I know that I am watching the game, not having an affair); when I am scheduled to work, I need to go to work (I know that I am working, not having an affair); when we have plans as a family and he backs out at the last second, I can still take the kids (the kids and I deserve to have a fun day despite my H freaking out, I am not having an affair); etc.  It took me a long time, I am talking years, to accept this fact.  The next step for me was removing myself and our children from the chaos when the crap hit the fan.  I had a therapist once tell me, when my H started in on me to say "the most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away", then to walk away.  It sounded great, but I couldn't get myself to do that, as I believed that I "had to be there for him".  But...that NEVER worked.  Until one day my H went into his divorce talk again.  I couldn't do it any longer, as I had heard it so many times before.  So I shut down and just continued on doing whatever I was doing...I think I was actually doing dishes.  He continued in on me, and I did not respond.  I didn't feel comfortable leaving the room, as I knew that would trigger him more, but I just did not respond.  He continued and continued some more, probably getting more agitated (while I can't completely remember, I believe that I told him that if he touched me, I would call 911 and I meant it)...until he finally went in his office and closed the door.  It took awhile but this became our new pattern, I refused to get into it whenever anything "crazy" was brought up.  I am human, so he did get to me a couple of times, but the majority of times I "walked away".  Today, he knows I will not respond if "he goes there" and thus it usually means he either won't go there, he ignores me giving me glaring looks instead of "going there" or he goes there and I "walk away" which usually leads to one more comment about me not responding and then he ignores me.  For us...or I should say me, that was the first 2 biggest steps I had to take.  They are not easy, but worth the try.  Know that your wife will not like it if/when you start to make changes to your life and it will usually lead to a bigger blow up (extinction burst), but if you keep with it, change is possible.  For us, that 911 call has literally saved our family (I had to follow through on the 'if you touch me I will call 911').  My uBPDh is in mandatory DV therapy and DBT therapy weekly.  That said, we still have hard times where I want to throw my hands up and scream...but instead I take the kids out for ice cream and to play at the park!  I have realized that those times are not mine to pick up for him, those times are for him to work through whatever is going on within himself, and while he is doing so, I will enjoy time with our kids because they deserve those happy times...and I will probably take an extra long hot shower at the end of the day, to decompress, cry and wish things were easier!  No pressure to try anything, what I mentioned above has literally changed my family's lives, but I will say it has not been easy and has def come with lots of ups and downs.         

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Living with someone with BPD can feel like living in a war zone and dealing with an emotional terrorist sometimes.  You might feel shell-shocked, like you have emotional whiplash.  You might wonder how you got here.  You love deeply, but the relationship seems one-sided, all take and no give, most of the time.  Generally it's destabilizing to you and the rest of your family.

On this site you'll find a community that can relate.  Sometimes, feeling alone might be the worst of all.  There might be some shame and confusion about how you actually got to this place, and let me tell you, it's not your fault.  BPD is not your fault.  I'm sure you'd like to "fix" your spouse's problems, wave a magic wand and whisk away all the pain, frustration, anger and unrealistic expectations in one swoop.  Alas, BPD does not work like that.  Only your spouse can do that, with therapy and a strong commitment to change, to learn to cope better with overwhelming emotions and feel better.  A main obstacle to that is a victim attitude--feeling constantly traumitized by life, while also believing that everyone else causes all her problems.  For as long as she feels like a victim (of you, of the world, of her circumstances), she thinks everyone else has to change, not her.

You mentioned that your wife hates where she lives, and she's pressuring you to give up your job and move someplace else.  I've heard that many times from the pwBPD in my life.  Her magical thinking believes that "starting fresh," someplace new and more exciting, will change her problems.  I'd say, that doesn't work, because the problems reside within her.  In addition, she expects OTHERS to make changes (and bear the costs and burdens) that she herself should be undertaking.  That's why on these boards, my advice is that, if she wants to move, then she should be the one to make it happen, not you.  My stock response to the question of living somewhere else is something along the lines of, "I can see why you're attracted to that location"--in other words, not shooting down her ideas, but also not jumping in to "fix" the issue du jour for her.  Chances are, she has no real intention of moving; she's just complaining and won't do anything about it.  She's also misattributing the source of discontent, which most certainly isn't her living situation.  That's on her, not you.  Do you see the difference?  I think the same sort of thing happens if she threatens divorce; I might respond with, "Well I don't want to divorce you because I love you" (provided that the statement is true).  Then the onus is on her to serve the papers.

As for suicide attempts, I think there should be a boundary there, especially as she is not merely talking about it but actually making gestures like putting a cord around her neck and getting physical.  My advice is that you should call 911, every time, and also try to record audio, too, so that she can't accuse YOU of "assaulting" her when help arrives.  With some luck she might get some psychiatric help.  Even if she doesn't, she should learn (eventually) to take suicidal gestures off the table.  I guess I'm saying that it seems you're dealing with an emotional terrorist, and at that point, you just don't negotiate with terrorists.  In a way, if you don't call 911, you're not "believing" her threat.  If you call 911, you're taking her seriously and validating her.  If she challenges you on this, in a calm moment, you might say, my Darling, I love you and don't want to see you hurt, so when you're threatening to kill yourself I think you're going to do it, and because I don't want to see you hurt, all can do is call 911 to get some help.

In the meantime, I'd emphasize focusing on self-care right now.  If you need a break, take it.  If you need some help, get it.  That might include therapy for you.  Look, you are your spouse's strongest ally, and you're no good to her if you're beat up,  completely frazzled and not like your usual self.  Once you understand that you are not to be blamed for BPD, it's easier not to take your wife's insults/accusations/demands so personally.

As for therapy for your wife, you can't force it.  She has to be "ready" for it, and sadly, she might have to hit bottom first.  Yet it sounds to me like she's getting close to hitting bottom, possibly from all the pressure of dealing with work and a young child.  With BPD, life in general can feel overwhelming, even without a regular job, a baby or a spouse to take care of.  It sounds to me like your wife is completely overwhelmed right now.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and honestly, it brought up many memories from my own marriage.

Like you, I knew something was "off" before we were even engaged.  I saw red flags and ignored them.  And for the next 23 years, I put my wife first in everything under the sun...even above our kids and other family members.  It was a huge mistake though because as a faithful Christian, I should have been putting God 1st.

You mentioned that you're both Christians, and I wanted to point out that a Christian marriage is two imperfect people submitting to God together to become one.  Biblically there are three exceptions for divorce- infidelity, abuse, or when a non-believer walks away.  Maybe one of those apply to you, maybe not, but my advice would be to continue praying and working with your pastor.  If you have a men's small group at your church, lean on your brothers and actually let them in.

As far as what to do immediately in your marriage, I think you've received some excellent advice already.  Create healthy boundaries and learn to communicate in a different way.  Your wife is feeling unappreciated and those insecurities make her unstable- her feelings simply spiral out of control. 

The stuff she complains about is like a symptom of the deeper, darker picture...mental illness and low self-worth is the actual problem.  The stuff you fight about is just a way to release pent-up mental energy, it doesn't actually mean anything and there's no purpose arguing over it.

My last piece of advice is to read 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 and how God calls you to love your wife.  The way you love is not dependent on anything she says or does, we're called to love unconditionally in a marriage because that's how God loves us.  Patience, kindness, slow to anger, forgiving all wrongs, etc...those are the traits you're called to in these impossible times.

And I heard you- it's impossible right now.  I do agree, it's impossible for you to do alone.  But you serve the God of impossible and He can do anything.  Like I said earlier, lean on your pastor and your brothers at church, you'll be amazed how far it can get you in this type of season.

I hope that helps!

[ForeverDad]

I've read your post several times and every time I tell myself this is exactly what I experienced, you wrote my story.  I don't write this often.  Married for years, one child, Christians in public, increasingly aggressive ranting and raging in private, she had a very dysfunctional, controlled and abused childhood, etc.  So nice at first but as she gradually fell apart I came to sense I'd saved her.  But I couldn't save her from herself.

We are both Christians (though she does not exhibit much fruit at home) and to many people look like this perfectly happy cute Christian family.  She is incredibly sweet to strangers and others.   Yet, inside we have a horrible marriage. I feel like a total fraud.  I feel like it would be easier if people just knew we were in trouble and didn't think so highly of us as a married couple.  I always remind her when she compares herself to another couple...I say "you know, people probably look at us and think how perfect we are...but they know nothing about what goes on in our family"...

I have resisted even uttering something like divorce (as a Christian I do not believe that divorce should even be an option unless the extreme cases, especially of infidelity), though she threatens it all the time.  I don't want to divorce. I want her to find healing. I don't want to put our son in the middle of a divorce. Heaven forbid we ever did get divorced, I do not trust that her family would not demonize me (because I see how they demonize another ex-husband) and try to take my son totally (my family would not demonize her).  I Can't believe I am even typing this out.

Our most spiritual event of each year was in the Spring.  Our final year together I remember her so worried that we would be late - we weren't - so much so that when we arrived that evening, she leapt out, grabbed our toddler and stormed away exclaiming "I want a divorce!"  That was just one of a long series of shocks.

I suspect you will find that her childhood FOO (Family of Origin) was even more dysfunctional and unhealthy than you knew.  Likely she was more impacted by them than even she knew.  (That's how dysfunction can be passed from one generation to the next.)

Despite all my attempts, she refused to respond positively.  It was like she was trying to drive me away with all her outrageous extremes.  I accepted our changed reality when she started threatening she would disappear with our child and I'd never see him again.

Strangely, as much as I feared separation and divorce, when the marriage failed the divorce process turned out to be my most powerful resource.  She had long since lost all respect for me, not seeing me as having any authority whatsoever in the marriage, believing she could do whatever she wanted and I was powerless.  Divorce brought us to family court and there she encountered The Real Authority.  Though it was quite passive and reluctant to take obviously needed action, it did place structure and limits on our post-separation lives and parenting.  What we call Boundaries within our relationships are what court terms "orders".

I want us to be healthy. I want to love my wife again. I want us to raise our son to be healthy. I want more kids.

I agree.  That is what all of us desired and still crave.  But the reality is that your spouse is currently on a doomed path, sabotaging the marriage.  You can't make her change course, only she can do that.  As is often said, it takes two working together to make a marriage succeed but only one to make it fail.

Unless things improve, you are probably approaching a time when the only option left is to choose to make (1) your welfare and (2) your child's welfare your top long-term priorities.

Sadly, set aside thoughts of having more children until you are solidly in a stable and loving relationship.  Having more children in a home full of discord and conflict won't make it all get better.