After years and years of struggling in my marriage, I reached a point where I could no longer ignore what I was feeling or continue living in a way that didn’t feel emotionally safe or sustainable. A few days ago, I told my wife that I want a divorce.
Even writing that still feels surreal.
Since telling her, I’ve been seeing patterns more clearly than ever. And strange behavior from my wife. I think she's been possessed by aliens.
The talk itself was strangely calm. She didn't freak out, she had noticed a lot of my distance and said she thought I might do something like this. She has been mostly in denial and bargaining since I told her. She said she doesn't want this. She knows she will win me back and I will love her again. I waited a couple days before we sat down and told the kids (19f, 21m). That conversation went ok. I went first then my wife spoke. She wanted to make it clear to the kids that she was not going to go along with the divorce, it's not what she wants and will keep praying/working for our marriage.
There’s been a strong push for reconciliation—prayers for our marriage, kindness, warmth, talking about repairing things, acting like everything could still be okay. At the same time, there are moments where I can feel tension building underneath, like things could flip quickly. It's been like bizarro world though. Ever since I told her it's crazy how much her personality has changed. She's doing things she never does, or hasn't done in years and it feels more strange then anything. Trying to be a perfect wife and mom.
It was almost comical. I came home later after we had the talk. She was all dolled up in a dress, makeup and jewelry. She was trying to be seductive. She said she's stopped drinking, threw out the alcohol in the house and says she's done for good. She has been more helpful around the house. All of the sudden cleaning up and asking if she can help with dinner. She wanted to come to the airport to pickup our daughter at 6am which is especially strange because I do 100% of the running around taking kids to dr appts or rides wherever needed. She nearly never does. She baked cookies last night. She's been laughing and joing more. Easy going - telling me to take my time when I leave the house. Hasn't done that in years. It's so transparent to me. I know that it won't last and it's just not real.
What’s especially disorienting is the contrast between how she’s presenting externally to others vs what I’m experiencing directly. It seems like she's been in a smear campaign even before I told her about the divorce (she was sensing something was up). I know that because my MIL and Sis in law pretty much ghosted me 2-3 weeks before I told my wife about the divorce. And they've been almost silent since then which is unusual. They haven't reached out after the divorce news, even when I sent them a heartfelt letter. It let's me know whatever my wife is telling them must make me look like a pretty horrible person. And it's surprising because they've seen some pretty horrific behavior from my wife. The last family trip we took my wife was raging for 2 days and my sis in law almost took a flight home early because of my stbxBPDw's behavior and said she didn't know if she could ever travel with her again
. Also I overheard her talking with her mom saying that in 6 months or a year she would drink again, that this was just a reset.
Some of the things she's told people this week and over the past couple of weeks I've learned (all lies):
- Told my aunt and sister and probably others I had a gay affair
- That I said no man would ever love her if she left me
- I’ve controlled every aspect of her life
- she’s afraid of me and that I’m angry
- I’m trying to ruin her career
- I’m trying to “put her in prison"
- Stated her drinking was caused by my behavior and needs it to cope with me
- I'm trying to trap her using cameras (I setup internal cameras in the spare room I moved to)
It's confusing but not too confusing. Clearly she's been setting up narratives to others while still trying to play me and pull me back in?
It's not changing my mind. I've seen these bursts of good behavior and even sobriety before. She doesn't know that I hired a lawyer yet. That will come in the next 24-48 hours which will probably really trigger her. That will make it really real. I was taking this one step at a time. The next step will be giving her a letter from my lawyer and seeing if she wants to do this cooperatively or if I just have to file and move this forward.
