Told my uBPDw I want a divorce. I feel like I stepped through the looking glass

[campbembpd]

After years and years of struggling in my marriage, I reached a point where I could no longer ignore what I was feeling or continue living in a way that didn’t feel emotionally safe or sustainable. A few days ago, I told my wife that I want a divorce.

Even writing that still feels surreal.

Since telling her, I’ve been seeing patterns more clearly than ever. And strange behavior from my wife. I think she's been possessed by aliens.

The talk itself was strangely calm. She didn't freak out, she had noticed a lot of my distance and said she thought I might do something like this. She has been mostly in denial and bargaining since I told her. She said she doesn't want this. She knows she will win me back and I will love her again. I waited a couple days before we sat down and told the kids (19f, 21m). That conversation went ok. I went first then my wife spoke. She wanted to make it clear to the kids that she was not going to go along with the divorce, it's not what she wants and will keep praying/working for our marriage.

There’s been a strong push for reconciliation—prayers for our marriage, kindness, warmth, talking about repairing things, acting like everything could still be okay. At the same time, there are moments where I can feel tension building underneath, like things could flip quickly. It's been like bizarro world though. Ever since I told her it's crazy how much her personality has changed. She's doing things she never does, or hasn't done in years and it feels more strange then anything. Trying to be a perfect wife and mom.

It was almost comical. I came home later after we had the talk. She was all dolled up in a dress, makeup and jewelry. She was trying to be seductive. She said she's stopped drinking, threw out the alcohol in the house and says she's done for good. She has been more helpful around the house. All of the sudden cleaning up and asking if she can help with dinner. She wanted to come to the airport to pickup our daughter at 6am which is especially strange because I do 100% of the running around taking kids to dr appts or rides wherever needed. She nearly never does. She baked cookies last night. She's been laughing and joing more. Easy going - telling me to take my time when I leave the house. Hasn't done that in years. It's so transparent to me. I know that it won't last and it's just not real.

What’s especially disorienting is the contrast between how she’s presenting externally to others vs what I’m experiencing directly. It seems like she's been in a smear campaign even before I told her about the divorce (she was sensing something was up). I know that because my MIL and Sis in law pretty much ghosted me 2-3 weeks before I told my wife about the divorce. And they've been almost silent since then which is unusual. They haven't reached out after the divorce news, even when I sent them a heartfelt letter. It let's me know whatever my wife is telling them must make me look like a pretty horrible person. And it's surprising because they've seen some pretty horrific behavior from my wife. The last family trip we took my wife was raging for 2 days and my sis in law almost took a flight home early because of my stbxBPDw's behavior and said she didn't know if she could ever travel with her again . Also I overheard her talking with her mom saying that in 6 months or a year she would drink again, that this was just a reset.

Some of the things she's told people this week and over the past couple of weeks I've learned (all lies):

• Told my aunt and sister and probably others I had a gay affair
• That I said no man would ever love her if she left me
• I’ve controlled every aspect of her life
• she’s afraid of me and that I’m angry
• I’m trying to ruin her career
• I’m trying to “put her in prison"
• Stated her drinking was caused by my behavior and needs it to cope with me
• I'm trying to trap her using cameras (I setup internal cameras in the spare room I moved to)

It's confusing but not too confusing. Clearly she's been setting up narratives to others while still trying to play me and pull me back in?

It's not changing my mind. I've seen these bursts of good behavior and even sobriety before. She doesn't know that I hired a lawyer yet. That will come in the next 24-48 hours which will probably really trigger her. That will make it really real. I was taking this one step at a time. The next step will be giving her a letter from my lawyer and seeing if she wants to do this cooperatively or if I just have to file and move this forward.

[Mutt]

That “bizarro world” feeling you’re describing makes a lot of sense. When things shift this fast and this much, it can feel really disorienting even when part of you understands what’s going on.

When a relationship feels like it might actually end, it’s pretty common to see a surge of effort to try and pull things back together. More warmth, more attention, showing up in ways that haven’t been there in a long time. On the surface it can look like things are suddenly better, but a lot of the time it’s coming from the fear of losing the connection, especially when that connection still feels central.

At the same time, there can be a different version of the story happening with other people. Especially when there’s a lot of emotion tied to how things might look from the outside. As you probably already know, for a lot of pwBPD, feelings like shame and guilt can sit pretty close to the surface, so how things are seen by others can carry a lot of weight.

Holding both of those at once, what you’re experiencing directly and what’s being said around you, can really mess with your sense of what’s real.

What stands out is that you’re still clear in your read of things, even with everything suddenly looking “better” on the surface. That’s not easy to hold onto.

With the next step coming up, things may shift again once it becomes more real.

How are you doing with it today?

[ForeverDad]

I think she's been possessed by aliens.

Is that what the "bem" in your member name represents?

She said she's stopped drinking, threw out the alcohol in the house and says she's done for good...

Also I overheard her talking with her mom saying that in 6 months or a year she would drink again, that this was just a reset.

• Stated her drinking was caused by my behavior and needs it to cope with me

It's not changing my mind. I've seen these bursts of good behavior and even sobriety before.

That's a timeline as old and predictable as time.  Stopped drinking... will restart eventually... it's your fault...

[CC43]

Hi there,

It's impressive that you're executing on your plans to separate.  I understand the whole process can be destabilizing, and even seem surreal sometimes.  You've got this community for a "reality check" if you need it.

The thing that gets me about your wife's reaction is her apparent ability to "pull herself together" when she wants to, to try to get what she wants.  I've seen that with the pwBPD in my life.  I can't help but feel like the BPD behaviors--lashing out, extreme moodiness, petulance, entitlement, meltdowns, etc.--seem to some extent intentional.  It's like she has the power to decide when to reel it in, and when to let it all out.  Maybe we all decide that to some extent--when to be on our best behavior, and when to let our guards down.  But with BPD, it sometimes seems calculating, and always self-serving.  But you know from decades of experience, that this won't last long.  Without therapy, she doesn't have the stamina to keep it up, and she'll revert to her usual habits soon enough, maybe as soon as she realizes, you're serious.  She plays games, but you don't.

As for the smear campaign, I think that's her victim mentality shining through--she's always the victim and won't abandon the narrative.  Sometimes I think that the victim narrative is core to her identity, because if she's not the poor abused victim, then who is she?  She tells herself (and anyone who cares to listen) that she drinks because she's victimized.  She tells herself that you are abusive, controlling, selfish, unloving--these are in all liklihood projections of how she treats you.  I suspect you understand this, but I'm writing it so you see it for what it is and don't start to doubt yourself.

All the best to you in this next phase.

[GaGrl]

I see the slower, step-by-step approach you are taking to have the most chance for successful resolution. It is very similar to the way my husband approached the divorce from his uBPD/NPD then-wife. By that point, she had moved out, into a house that she bought in her name only, with her boyfriend of five years. She had offered a divorce any time he wanted. Even then, the reality of the divorce resulted in a nine-month negotiation of her unreasonable/illogical demands.(For example, after agreeing that she would buy the family house, she assumed that their daughter and grandaughter would continue to live there, and she wanted child support for them -- daughter was 24 and working.) Her emotions were all over the place, and yes, there was a smear campaign.

Just be prepared for whatever might arise.

[Notwendy]

Seeing the switch to this "persona" is eerie. I have seen it too. While in this situation, it's with you, it isn't only with you.

Self image is important to a pwBPD, as they want to be seen in a good light. I think this is true for most people- we are more formal in the workplace and with co-workers than we are at home. We put our best foot forward in situations like job interviews. However, what we present to others is still genuine, still us.

With the pwBPD it can be so strangely different, surreal. You also know that real change isn't instant. Someone with alcohol addiction doesn't just stop like that. Someone with BPD doesn't recover like that. They can pull themselves together for short periods of time, when highly motivated by external circumstances. Internally, nothing has changed.

This feels surreal because it's not real.

The smear campaign is a part of this. That the marriage is not intact, can't be her fault. So it has to be yours.

When I began having boundaries with my BPD mother, this couldn't have been "her fault" so the smear campaign followed. Her extended family aligned with her.

In my own experience, while you can confide in a few trusted people, for me, trying to counter this with my own narrative would have only reinforced this. I would be seen as badmouthing her. Her family already believed her narrative. However, I believe that truth prevails and so kept silent with them. Eventually, they experienced her behavior for themselves.

In addition, they were supportive to her. She needed them. It was better that way. So if your wife's family, and mother are there for her, then it's a good thing. You can have your own support system too. That they believe you are some kind of ogre might feel hurtful but- that isn't something you can change anyway.

The kids will be OK. It may be a challenge going through it but because you are taking care of you, having boundaries, you can "be there" for them in a way you were not able to before. While I believe you were there for them in the best of your capacity, your stbx wife also has taken a lot of your focus. Once through this, you can have more capacity for you and them.

You will also eventually have control over your finances, and be able to make decisions for your resources. Finances may be tight for now, but without the constant spending, you will be able to build your reserves in time.

If the smear campaign involves your children, I believe they will understand in time. Your stbx will still be their mother, always. You will be able to be of support to them as they navigate this relationship as adults, and also be able to provide for your son's needs.

I wish you the best in this process.

[Pook075]

There’s been a strong push for reconciliation—prayers for our marriage, kindness, warmth, talking about repairing things, acting like everything could still be okay. At the same time, there are moments where I can feel tension building underneath, like things could flip quickly. It's been like bizarro world though.

I am somewhat surprised that you posted in the "conflicted" category and honestly, I commend you for it.  All of us had a part of our minds that hoped for some path to resolution and I think you're taking the best possible path to lead to a positive outcome. 

As you said, either the new behavior continues or it doesn't, and the "smear campaign" is par for the course as she tries to grasp what an end to the marriage would actually be like.  It sounds like she does want things to work out but at the same time, she's already preparing for when it doesn't.

My only advice is to stay the course.  If there was ever a time to build healthy boundaries, it's today.  She says she wants it to work, let her show that while you meet her halfway.  Helping with dinner, with getting the kids off, etc are all positive steps.  And while I agree with others that it "surely won't last", we don't know that for a fact.  Meet her at a safe distance and see where it ultimately leads.

[campbembpd]

Hi there,

It's impressive that you're executing on your plans to separate.  I understand the whole process can be destabilizing, and even seem surreal sometimes.  You've got this community for a "reality check" if you need it.

The thing that gets me about your wife's reaction is her apparent ability to "pull herself together" when she wants to, to try to get what she wants.  I've seen that with the pwBPD in my life.  I can't help but feel like the BPD behaviors--lashing out, extreme moodiness, petulance, entitlement, meltdowns, etc.--seem to some extent intentional.  It's like she has the power to decide when to reel it in, and when to let it all out.  Maybe we all decide that to some extent--when to be on our best behavior, and when to let our guards down.  But with BPD, it sometimes seems calculating, and always self-serving.  But you know from decades of experience, that this won't last long.  Without therapy, she doesn't have the stamina to keep it up, and she'll revert to her usual habits soon enough, maybe as soon as she realizes, you're serious.  She plays games, but you don't.

As for the smear campaign, I think that's her victim mentality shining through--she's always the victim and won't abandon the narrative.  Sometimes I think that the victim narrative is core to her identity, because if she's not the poor abused victim, then who is she?  She tells herself (and anyone who cares to listen) that she drinks because she's victimized.  She tells herself that you are abusive, controlling, selfish, unloving--these are in all liklihood projections of how she treats you.  I suspect you understand this, but I'm writing it so you see it for what it is and don't start to doubt yourself.

All the best to you in this next phase.

Yeah I don't think she can keep it up. I think she was advised by family or perhaps a lawyer to stop drinking. It helps her not lose it easily but it's really hard to see her not spiraling at some point... Could be tonight. She doesn't yet know I have actually hired a lawyer. She is still in denial. Making promises to do anything, has apologized for some behaviors, prays, but it's a bunch of bologna . I'm getting reports even today of people hearing things from her about how she's scared of me! How I've controlled her our entire marriage. A lot of nasty stuff... Thankfully I have a few important people to me (including a couple in her family) that know the 100% truth and have my back and have set the record straight to those that will listen. The others don't really matter as I probably won't see them again.

Could see her spiral after tonight. I'm going to talk to her again and just reiterate that I'm still moving forward, I have a letter drafted from my attorney to give her so this will make it 'real'. It will be very interesting to see if she's able to maintain the helpful, amicable and sober front after this. From then it will be her choice to either disclose financials to each other and try to come to a settlement or I file and we move forward. I believe it will be the latter.

[campbembpd]

Seeing the switch to this "persona" is eerie. I have seen it too. While in this situation, it's with you, it isn't only with you.

Self image is important to a pwBPD, as they want to be seen in a good light. I think this is true for most people- we are more formal in the workplace and with co-workers than we are at home. We put our best foot forward in situations like job interviews. However, what we present to others is still genuine, still us.

With the pwBPD it can be so strangely different, surreal. You also know that real change isn't instant. Someone with alcohol addiction doesn't just stop like that. Someone with BPD doesn't recover like that. They can pull themselves together for short periods of time, when highly motivated by external circumstances. Internally, nothing has changed.

This feels surreal because it's not real.

The smear campaign is a part of this. That the marriage is not intact, can't be her fault. So it has to be yours.

When I began having boundaries with my BPD mother, this couldn't have been "her fault" so the smear campaign followed. Her extended family aligned with her.

In my own experience, while you can confide in a few trusted people, for me, trying to counter this with my own narrative would have only reinforced this. I would be seen as badmouthing her. Her family already believed her narrative. However, I believe that truth prevails and so kept silent with them. Eventually, they experienced her behavior for themselves.

In addition, they were supportive to her. She needed them. It was better that way. So if your wife's family, and mother are there for her, then it's a good thing. You can have your own support system too. That they believe you are some kind of ogre might feel hurtful but- that isn't something you can change anyway.

The kids will be OK. It may be a challenge going through it but because you are taking care of you, having boundaries, you can "be there" for them in a way you were not able to before. While I believe you were there for them in the best of your capacity, your stbx wife also has taken a lot of your focus. Once through this, you can have more capacity for you and them.

You will also eventually have control over your finances, and be able to make decisions for your resources. Finances may be tight for now, but without the constant spending, you will be able to build your reserves in time.

If the smear campaign involves your children, I believe they will understand in time. Your stbx will still be their mother, always. You will be able to be of support to them as they navigate this relationship as adults, and also be able to provide for your son's needs.

I wish you the best in this process.

Thanks NW. A lot of wisdom here. My therapist says based on my reports she sees a lot of NPD traits in my wife as well. Image is so important to her. She wants to look like a victim to everyone outside the home and make me look like the 'bad guy'. She wants to appear like the loving, perfect wife who is making all these changes and efforts in our home and to the kids so I look like the guy that's tearing the family apart.

My kids I think will be okay. My daughter 100% is open with me and she's been the target of abuse and seen the reality. She knows mom tells distortions sometimes. For example I was trying to de-escalate one night and leave the house. I grabbed a backpack and was trying to exit while my wife blocked me and pushed me screaming. My poor daughter (I think 18 at the time) was seeing the whole thing. While my wife was pushing me and I was doing nothing but holding onto my backpack my wife started yelling at me to stop hitting her! I said what are you talking about and my daughter crying at her said the same thing, it was so sad to hear her craying and say "what are you talking about mom, dad isn't doing anything, you're hitting him!". Makes me sad to remember that awful stuff.

[ForeverDad]

We here in peer support know you will proceed respectfully.  So do your trusted friends and family.

However, our otherwise excellent qualities include our sense of niceness and fairness.  And they are excellent .  But when dealing with a difficult protracted relationship now heading toward divorce, it is wise to assess how nice or how fair we ought to be.

We know you won't be nasty.  (Domestic court wouldn't like that; and besides, that's not you.)  But on the other hand we don't want you to be taken advantage of.  You may think "I ought to be generous" when negotiating because court will like that.  The reality is that court doesn't give credits.  You will find that court is more like a referee, it would rather the litigants decide between themselves.  It allots a half hour to a hearing and then on to the next case.  Your stbEx won't reciprocate any generosity, so that's also not a basis to be overly generous.

Essentially, proceed fairly but do question yourself if you find yourself pressured or guilted to be overly fair or overly generous.  You might want to do a thought experiment, stepping outside the box and looking back in with a neutral perspective... Picture yourself five years from now - long past the angst and distress today - if you would look back and agree with the decision, then it's probably a good decision to make.

[campbembpd]

Have to get this off my chest. Just had the most insane conversation. Okay not the most insane but wow… stbx comes home & wants to talk for a minute. She tells me she talked to M, her cousins husband and one of my best friends. He actually gave me a heads up earlier but she starts talking to me about money and how she had no idea I was so stressed and strained with finances. He called her out on a lot of stuff and shes talking to me like she had no idea how bad it was for me. She didn’t know I was so tight. If I would give her a chance she wants to start helping to pay off debt and put her money in the joint account. She asked me to pause this divorce talk for a while and to just give her a chance.iniept calm and told her while finances are a major issue that isn’t the only thing. Even if that was fixed tomorrow there are a lot of other problems, and she knows it.

Part of me is seriously tempted to say yes and hang on for a couple of months to get some help but no way. Can’t do it.

I had to leave the house for a while. I’m actually pretty upset/angry over the conversation. Ive posted here a LOT about some of the financial problems. Like OMG, can you take less responsibility?? You didn’t know? I cried about money! Every single time I sat down to discuss a budget she raged. I told her we were $75k in debt and needed to pay it down, she said she didn’t care about the debt. She blamed it on me, and kept wanting to spend money year after year on vacations. Even this year before I told her about the divorce she wanted to plan 2 vacations this year despite me saying I had no money to put towards anything and wouldn’t book a trip unless we saved for it. . Any attempt to cut back expenses was met with dysregulation. And when I tried to talk about needing more money from her to help out she said on many occasions if I need more money I need to get a second job.
 

[Notwendy]

From the perspective of an adult child of a BPD mother, I saw things similar to what your daughter has seen and also was a target of my BPD mother's behavior. Just as you feel sad for her for what she experienced, I felt sad to see what my father experienced.

I do not know the road not taken- but I have seen what staying together looked like and, in my situation, it did not change for my parents.

The financial issues didn't change. It may have gotten a bit easier when my father didn't have to support us kids when we reached adulthood, but BPD mother's spending continued. Dad compensated by being frugal for himself. Your situation is different- your son depends on you and you have to secure your finances for his needs. 

My BPD mother had a tendency to re-write history. It was eerie because she could come up with an entirely different "story" about what happened, and it sounded so convincing, it would make us wonder if we were in some kind of alternative reality- and which one was real- ours or hers?

She also had an NPD aspect to her. The stories were in part, manipulative, part avoiding shame or accountability, and part, I think also convincing herself that her perspective was true.

But numbers in a bank account are real. What happened happened.