Ghosted by my daughter

[Bridgit]

My 25 year old daughter has ghosted me. After years of devastating interactions with her, I tried to convince myself that this may actually be a relief, but I would take the emotional roller coaster over this any day. I have sent her texts at least once a week over the last few months to reassure her that I am still here and still love her, but without response. The only times she messaged me was when she needed me to co-sign the lease for her apartment and when she needed information for her taxes. I responded to both requests without hesitation and then never heard anything back. Is there anything I should or shouldn’t be doing to improve this situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Bridgit,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m glad that you’ve joined us, though I’m really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Many members here can relate to what you’re going through, especially that mix of relief and pain when things go quiet.

What you’re describing is something a lot of parents here have faced. That silence can feel incredibly heavy, sometimes even harder than the ups and downs, because there’s no way to make sense of it or respond to it.

It also makes sense that it hurts when contact only happens around practical needs, like the lease or taxes. You showed up for her in those moments, and not hearing back afterward can leave a real emotional gap.

One thing you might consider is gently shifting how you reach out. Weekly messages can come from a place of love, but sometimes they can also keep you in a cycle of waiting and hoping for a response that may not come right now. Some parents find it helpful to step back a bit, both to protect their own energy and to change the dynamic slightly.

You don’t have to disappear or stop caring. It can just be about finding a pace that feels more sustainable for you.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what have those interactions been like in the past when things were more active between you two?

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed I'm also in a period of protracted estrangement from my BPD stepdaughter who is trying to carve out an adult's life for herself.  Of course she'll reach out when she needs something--a co-signer, help with moving her belongings, help selling her car, etc.  Since she's a little older than your daughter, she knows she should probably be operating more independently by now.  My guess is that she feels shame and embarrassment when she has to ask for help . . . even though she sounds entitled at the same time, even if she never thanks us for providing the help, and even if she implies that we are to blame for all her problems and we OWE her.  She RESENTS us for making her feel dependent, and I suspect she's ashamed that she still needs us.

Though I know it hurts not to know what's going on with your dear daughter, I think you can be confident that she'll reach out to you when she needs you.  I think you should be proud that she seems to be operating independently of you with some success.  Now I bet you worry a lot, probably because your daughter has given you good reason to worry in the past.  I know I worry some, too.  But I tell myself, it's not productive to worry about things which haven't even happened yet.  That just brings me down.  I try to think more positive thoughts, such as my stepdaughter has managed living on her own for around six consecutive months, and though her dad has been sending her money, he hasn't been sending her nearly as much as he used to, so she must be working with some regularity.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  Living semi-independently for six months without rebounding to the parental home and having some sort of major crisis is a record for her.  Granted, she still isn't talking to anyone else in the family, and with a family wedding coming up, it remains to be seen if she will participate.  My sense is that, until she consolidates her identity as a fully independent adult, she won't be content with herself, and if she's not content with herself, she can't be happy for someone else at a wedding.  Chances are that she won't attend.  I know that would be disappointing for the family, but by the same token, I think it would be better than experiencing a meltdown on a wedding day.

As for contact, I think that every message from you is probably a reminder to your daughter of some unfulfilled obligation and has some emotional baggage attached to it.  I suspect that's why your daughter won't respond.  She likely has all the emotional pressure she can handle right now.  She might have blocked you, because she deems you "toxic" and wants to exert some control in her life, and maybe even "punish" you in the process with her silence.  But try not to take offense.  The way I see it is, she's taking an "adult time out."  My unspoken policy is not to interrupt the time out.  You've already told her the lines of communication are wide open.  My advice would be to cut back on the texting for now.  However, I would include her on major holidays and her birthday, to ensure she doesn't feel excluded--but keep any messages short and obligation-free.  Please, no begging for her to reach out, no bribes, and please don't add your emotional distress or any obligation (When can I come see you?  I have presents for you.  Your father is upset you didn't wish him Happy Father's Day)--she's telling you that she can't handle the pressure right now with her silence.

I hope that perspective helps a little.  All my best to you.