How do you keep going when nothing is ever enough?

[Duggingen]

I'm a grandfather and father dealing with what I believe is my adult daughter's undiagnosed BPD/NPD. She's a single mother of twin 6-year-old boys with special needs who are each on three psychiatric medications with minimal oversight. Today I sent her $1,000 on top of the $4,000 I gave her at the start of March — on top of her brother providing free housing and health insurance. Within hours she told me my support was "a joke" and that I want her to "drown." She's accumulated $27,000 in debt in six months while I've been trying to help. I've lost weight, my marriage is strained, and tonight I feel used, heartbroken, and helpless. I can't cut her off because my grandchildren are in the middle of this. I can't give enough because no amount is ever enough. How do families survive this? How do you love someone who cannot see what you're doing for them and may never be able to?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here feel exhausted from the strain of supporting their adult children with BPD, all the while they feel blamed for the utter chaos.  I think some key features of untreated BPD are a victim attitude, entitlement, misplaced anger, volatile emotions and unstable relationships.  Another key feature is abdicating responsibility for her life.  Since your daughter probably feels constantly traumatized and victimized, she thinks that other people are the cause of all her problems, and she uses up most of her mental bandwidth blaming them, raging and acting out.  That's why I think a negative attitude and victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her life.  That means, she's blaming YOU, practically full time, while it seems she does nothing to improve her situation.  Does that ring true?

You ask, how do you love someone who can't appreciate what you do for them?  I think you love them when you realize that you're not to blame whatsoever for the situation . . . and you don't take her insults personally.  I think you realize that with untreated BPD, daily life feels like an unending series of traumas, and what you're seeing is a trauma-like, fight or flight response from your daughter.  I think you empathize with the plight of your daughter as a single mom with two young special-needs kids; she's under a lot of stress, and with BPD, the stress feels super-sized, and she's taking it out on her family.  I think you love her more when you realize that whatever you do isn't wholly for her, but for you.  Maybe your daughter thinks that $5,000 in assistance this last month is a joke, but you and I know that's not the case at all.  On the one hand, my guess is that your daughter has no concept of how hard somebody has to work to earn $5,000 net of taxes.  But YOU know how hard you worked, and that's what really matters.  Your daughter probably has no clue about your finances, nor what you can afford to give to someone else, but YOU do.  You understand what $5,000 can buy, and that might include food, clothes and medications for your grandkids.

Anyway, my guess is that your daughter isn't happy right now, and she's taking it out mostly on you.  I bet she's unhappy with the housing provided for free by her brother, and she doesn't really value the health insurance, because she feels entitled to it, and she's probably never had to buy it for herself.  An unfortunate reality for many BPD adult children is that, because the family system has over-functioned for her--out of love and in the name of keeping her stable--she remains relatively clueless about how the real world works.  She's not only overwhelmed by adult daily routines, such as paying bills, taking care of the home front, managing appointments, childcare and such, but she's also relatively inexperienced, and she's probably afraid of looking "stupid," lest she be "exposed" for her general lack of knowledge.  Things like filing taxes, paying medical bills, buying insurance, etc. are completely overwhelming for her.  Since others in the family have over-functioned for her in these areas, she's left feeling not only incompetent, but also dependent and powerless.  My guess is that she RESENTS you for making her feel this way, and that deep down she probably feels like a loser.  That's not a nice feeling.

As for financial boundaries, I think you have to figure out what you care to give, what you can afford to give, and what the conditions are for any assistance you provide.  You have to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if she puts you into financial ruin, right alongside herself.  Since there are innocent grandchildren involved, I might advise giving assistance in kind, rather than cash, if you think your daughter isn't spending the money as you intended.  Maybe you buy the kids' medications directly yourself.  Maybe you have groceries sent directly to her address.  She probably won't like this if she prefers to spend all your money on non-essentials for herself, but your post was relatively short, so it's hard to advise.  You might also consider conditioning your support on your daughter getting ongoing therapy, or doing other things to get her life on track.

Look, you're right, no amount you give will ever seem to be enough to your daughter.  For as long as she is untreated for BPD, her needs will be endless.  So you have to decide how much you are willing to give, and in what form.  She is an adult, you are not obligated to give her anything at all.

One way I've come around to thinking about this is differentiating between support and enablement.  I think support is when your daughter is generally doing what she should be doing (e.g. taking care of children, getting some therapy, maybe working part-time, helping out at home, treating others with respect), and you provide assistance to lift her up.  But enablement is when your daughter is generally NOT doing what she should be doing, while you reward her with money and support, and so enable an unhealthy, unsustainable status quo.  Here I try to emphasize actions over moods and words, because I personally can take plenty of petulance and passive-aggressiveness if the pwBPD in my life is actually DOING things she's supposed to be doing.  What do you think more accurately describes your situation?

I hope that perspective helps a little.  Please feel free to share more.  I'm sure many readers here can relate.

[Mutt]

Hi Duggingen,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m glad you found your way here, though I’m sorry for what brought you in.

You’ll find that many members here can relate to what you’re going through. A lot of us have been in similar shoes and understand how exhausting and painful it can feel.

That feeling of “nothing is ever enough” can really wear a person down. Especially when you’re trying to help and it keeps coming back as criticism. That’s a tough place to be.

One thing many of us have had to come to terms with is that love and support don’t always land the way we hope when someone is overwhelmed or struggling. It doesn’t mean what you’re doing has no value. It just means it may not change the reaction you’re getting.

At some point, it becomes less about finding the “right amount” to give, and more about figuring out what you can give in a way that you can sustain without it costing you your health or your marriage.

You’re carrying a lot right now. You don’t have to solve it all at once.