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CC43
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« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2026, 09:16:24 AM » |
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Hi there,
Let me guess: your daughters never forgave you for divorcing your dad. They blame you for all the problems in their lives. They cultivate a negative, victim attitude which is the core of their identity. They hold unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of you--to serve them, to give them money, to take care of their kids and affairs, to bail them out, to sacrifice your life, to constantly prove your devotion to them. They throw tantrums when you don't meet their insatiable demands. While you bend over backwards to help, they do precious little to improve their own lives. They are all take and no give. And the worst part is, they are mean to you, calling you selfish, narcissistic, controlling, lazy, uncaring, childish, a loser, manipulative, domineering, incompetent, psychotic, undeserving of love--when you are the opposite. That right there is typically projection of their own negative self-image onto you. You crave closeness with them and the grandkids, but they don't really want closeness, they want a slave. And my bet is they use the grandkids as pawns, threatening to prohibit access to them if you don't do exactly what you're told. Meanwhile, you're worried about the grandkids growing up with an unstable and/or inattentive parent who acts inappropriately in front of the child. Does that sound about right?
I'd advise, if you are being attacked, you should disengage. My advice--don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), just do it, as calmly and quietly as you can muster. You could leave the room, hang up the phone, get busy with laundry, go to the bathroom, go for a walk, leave the nasty text unanswered. Think of it as an "adult time out," and give your daughter(s) time and space to calm down, while at the same time, you take a break yourself. My other advice is, don't interrupt the time out if at all possible. Don't check in, beg for forgiveness, explain yourself, send money, bail her out or ask about anything. Let her be the one who reaches out to you. If she's still riled up, extend the time out. Try only to engage when she's being civil. My guess is that though she's an adult, she hasn't learned yet that she can't treat people like crap. She thinks it's OK to have raging outbursts and be mean to others, because in her world, her incentives have been all mixed up--the more she rages, the more rewards she gets, such as money, free housing, free babysitting, etc. She treats other friends/employers/romantic partners this way and wonders why they won't stick around. Others won't put up with that, and nor should you. Fair enough?
Now I'm not sure from your post how old your daughters are, but by my thinking, if they are 25 or older, your role probably needs to change. When they were younger, I think it's appropriate for parents to help financially/logistically/administratively, as well as to dispense loving advice about life--because young adults are new at "adulting." You might try to advise about housing, insurance, education, employment, home economics, child rearing, whatever. But I think that adult children with BPD hear advice as criticism; they can't see through all the emotional baggage, either. By age 25 or so, I think the role of a parent needs to shift. You are not a provider and full-time nurturer anymore. You are not really an adviser anymore either, unless you're asked. I think you're mostly a loving cheerleader. If your daughter(s) say, they want to move somewhere else, or start "fresh," I think you say, That sounds nice, I can see why you'd like that, and then stop. No questions (how do you expect to afford it?), no warnings (you'll be far away from family who help you), no offers to help search for a place, no job-hunting assistance. If they want to change, they need to take the lead. The same goes with therapy--you can't force them to get therapy, and if you even mention therapy, they're likely to turn it against you and say you're psycho. Most of all, I think you refrain from doing things that your daughters are capable of doing for themselves. When you over-function for them and start to feel resentment, that's a sure sign that it's time to change what you're doing.
Please don't feel guilty about leaving your daughters. If they are old enough to have kids, they are old enough to take care of themselves. You deserve a life too you know. Sure, they know how to press the Guilt button on the Mom ATM/babysitting machine. You just have to disable that button.
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