My BPD daughter using our GC drive a wedge between my wife and& I

[BPD_Dad]

This is my first post here. Thank you for having me. My 38 yo daughter is using our grandchildren to drive a wedge between my wife (her step mother) and I. She has always randomly attacked and blamed my wife for crazy things that she had no idea of or role in doing. When she gets mad at me she decides my wife 'put me up to it. Now, after actually allowing my wife to develop a close and loving relationship with the gc, she got mad at her in November 2025 (for something she had NOTHING to do with) and decided she can't see them anymore. Only I can. I feel like she is manipulating me to hurt my wife, so I am not going along with it. I've told her numerous times that we come as a pair. I hope I'm doing the right thing and not hurting the kids. But it is her decision, not ours. Still, we both really miss the kids. It hurts... a lot.

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Unfortunately the situation you describe is very common on these boards--where an untreated BPD adult child will restrict access to grandchildren as punishment.  Based on your post, my sense is that your daughter is jealous of her stepmom, especially when she developed a closer relationship with the grandkids.  It's very possible your daughter felt upstaged by grandma, and that her kids seem to like grandma more than mom.  She feels hurt and insecure, so what does she do?  She tries to cut grandma out.  Sure, she'll make up some bizarre story (only loosly based on facts) to justify her decision.  She'll invent some sort of narrative that grandma is "toxic" to the kids and should be shunned.  This negative, distorted thinking pattern is typical of BPD, as is the instability in close relationships.  Your daughter might temporarily "unshun" grandma if she needs free babysitting, but she's prone to promptly "re-shun" once her free babysitting needs are met.  My apologies, I'm reminded of an episode of The Office right now.

Anyway, I think you're right in not going along with your daughter's distorted narrative, because if you do her bidding, you're tacictly approving of her unjustified, ill treatment of your wife.

Another way of looking at the situation is that your daughter is probably really stressed out right now.  She has a tendency to misattribue the source of her distress and blame others for it.  She's taking out her frustrations on stepmom.  Maybe she's trying to exert control wherever she can, because she feels desperately out of control in her own life right now.  Does that sound right to you?

Unfortunately, all this might mean not seeing the grandkids for a time.  There's not much you can do about that, because your daughter is the kids' parent, not you.

[CC43]

P.S.

I'm wondering if you're writing from the US, and if the incident in November was around Thanksgiving.  You see, I've observed that holidays are often a trigger for pwBPD.  On top of the added stress of the holidays and ruptures in normal routines, I think that pwBPD have a really hard time seeing other joyful people, because it's in stark contrast to their own unhappiness.  Moreover they can't stand not being the center of attention, when young children typically steal the show.  I think that's a reason that holidays are often the backdrop for major meltdowns.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've experienced similar circumstances.

Your daughter suffers from mental illness and it's quite common for them to see things in black and white.  Your wife is always a bad influence while you're the exact opposite...neither of those things are true.  Unfortunately, you have to accept this for what it is and work around it in a way that your daughter can understand.  The tips and tool sections at the top of this page are particularly helpful in these types of situations to learn how to diffuse so much of this stuff.

How old are the grandkids?  If they're super young, then they won't remember this stuff anyway.  And if they're older, then they will have a sense that something is off.  Just let them know you love them, and let your daughter know that as well.  It might seem obvious but through a distorted lens, it could seem like a very different picture to your kid.  Say it often so she can't forget.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I didn't see my grandkids for about 2 years, and although it was super hard, things have changed and I'm super thankful for it.  In my case, it just took some time for things to level out.

[wantmorepeace]

This reminder that things change over time is so helpful.  It's one of the bizarre features of this condition.  It's crazy-making but it also a reason to act in accordance with your values and know that the weather will change.

[js friend]

Hi Bpd_ Dad

I think that you are right to stand your ground over your wife. Im also glad that you recognise that your dd is using manipulation to try to control you.

I was finally cut off from my gc  5 years ago and replaced by her new partner the very same week they first met which I still have never met.

Unfortunately it may be the case that your dd will never accept your wife and you may never hear from her again. It may also be the case that she does come to you even in the short term but expect it to be for something she needs help with and not be to re-establish a r/s or compromise over your wife. This is all really about HER feelings and the feelings towards your wife and where the effects upon your gc and their feelings have no relevance are not taken into consideration.

Being estranged from gc is not easy especially when seeing them regularly and then nothing. For me it has been like a bereavement. The pain is still there, but the ache has lessened over the years. Take it one day at time. I still have my gc's toys in my home.  I know that they have now outgrown them but they hold so many memories and they are comforting to have around.


Wishing you all the best.

jsf

[zachira]

Much respect for supporting your wife and not allowing your BPD daughter to manipulate you. One rule that can help to remember in the hardest times that having a firm moral ground can serve as a strong boundary from enabling further more abusive behaviors.