BPD Sister - Wedding [Completely blindsided, need help]

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't been back to this forum in a LONG time, but i'm putting some brief historical context before i get to the update. In need of some major support or suggestions.

My older sister has never been formally diagnosed, but she’s had severe emotional outbursts my entire life. Growing up, this included things like smashing her head into objects, putting her foot through a car windshield, physically lashing out (shoving me, kicking my mom/dad, breaking doors, etc), and making extreme threats like wanting to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. She would also scream at me, tell me I hated the family, or try to isolate me whenever I did something independent. It created a really unstable and scary environment for me as a kid.

My parents have always enabled her behavior because they don’t know how to handle it, so a lot of this was minimized or turned back on me. Even now, it feels like they don’t fully acknowledge the impact it had on me and often believe her version of events.

A few years ago, I moved out and now live with my husband, which has been amazing for my mental health. Since then, my relationship with my sister has been very surface-level and feels fake. She never took accountability or apologized - she just pretends nothing happened. We only see each other at family events and don’t have a real relationship otherwise.

For example, when I told her I was moving in with my (now) husband, she had a huge outburst - screaming, crying, insulting him, trying to break through my door, and telling me I was abandoning the family. Afterward, she never apologized and just expected things to go back to normal.

She finally moved out of my parents home at the age of 31, is fully functioning (job, relationship, etc.), and my parents say things are “good” now, which is confusing given my experience.

When I got engaged, she barely acknowledged it. Not long after, she got engaged too, which brought up a lot of old feelings around competition, jealousy, and never being allowed to have anything be about me without it being overshadowed.

For my wedding this past August, I set a firm boundary and did not include her in my bridal party. She actually handled it better than expected and didn’t make it about her, which surprised me.

Now, out of nowhere, I just received a package from her asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this October, with a note that says: “Even though I wasn’t in yours, we are turning a new leaf

[Em9321]

I haven't been back to this forum in a LONG time, but i'm putting some brief historical context before i get to the update. In need of some major support or suggestions.

My older sister has never been formally diagnosed, but she’s had severe emotional outbursts my entire life. Growing up, this included things like smashing her head into objects, putting her foot through a car windshield, physically lashing out (shoving me, kicking my mom/dad, breaking doors, etc), and making extreme threats like wanting to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. She would also scream at me, tell me I hated the family, or try to isolate me whenever I did something independent. It created a really unstable and scary environment for me as a kid.

My parents have always enabled her behavior because they don’t know how to handle it, so a lot of this was minimized or turned back on me. Even now, it feels like they don’t fully acknowledge the impact it had on me and often believe her version of events.

A few years ago, I moved out and now live with my husband, which has been amazing for my mental health. Since then, my relationship with my sister has been very surface-level and feels fake. She never took accountability or apologized - she just pretends nothing happened. We only see each other at family events and don’t have a real relationship otherwise.

For example, when I told her I was moving in with my (now) husband, she had a huge outburst - screaming, crying, insulting him, trying to break through my door, and telling me I was abandoning the family. Afterward, she never apologized and just expected things to go back to normal.

She finally moved out of my parents home at the age of 31, is fully functioning (job, relationship, etc.), and my parents say things are “good” now, which is confusing given my experience.

When I got engaged, she barely acknowledged it. Not long after, she got engaged too, which brought up a lot of old feelings around competition, jealousy, and never being allowed to have anything be about me without it being overshadowed.

For my wedding this past August, I set a firm boundary and did not include her in my bridal party. She actually handled it better than expected and didn’t make it about her, which surprised me.

Now, out of nowhere, I just received a package from her asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this October, with a note that says: “Even though I wasn’t in yours, we are turning a new leaf

[zachira]

It seems it is really up to you to decide whether to be in your sister's bridal party. It sounds like perhaps you would rather not yet fear how badly she will treat you no matter whether you are in the bridal party or at her wedding as just one of the guests. This distrust of your sister based on past abuses of you is legitimate and concerning.

You are not alone in having a disordered close relative whom you cannot trust and would not likely associate with if she were not your sister.  Know that you do not have to make a decision that is set in stone, that your decision can change based on how you are being treated by your sister and how you feel in the future.

I am wondering if your sister has asked you to be a bridesmaid so she will be in a superior position as the bride to mistreat you. What do you think?

What is your preference? You can state your preference without having to make a final irrevocable decision.

[Em9321]

I accidentally PM'd you, but here is what I said:

I am definitely feeling that way - that she is asking me to be in her party as a power move, to show the family that she is "more forgiving" and a better person than I am because I didn't have her in my party.

There's a couple of different reasons she could be doing this:
1. She wants to be in a superior position to mistreat me and brush things under the rug without having to talk about or discuss her actions that have hurt me my entire life. Bring me back in the cycle and use this "big" moment to guilt me into it.

2. She wants to show outsiders that she is the superior person, and that by asking me to be in her party, she is ultimately better because I did not have her in mine.

3. Someone dropped out of her party and she needs to fill the space (we had a conversation months ago with my husband and her fiancee and she was talking about the ladies who were going to be in her party - no mention of me whatsoever, and I didn't think twice about it.)

4. All of the above

I have not given an answer and will be putting it off until i can come up with a resolution. I  know my family will be on her side if i say no, but if that's what I decide, i will have to be ok with it.

[Mutt]

Em9321, I’m really glad you came back and shared this. That history you described isn’t small, and it makes sense that this situation would feel loaded and confusing.

What stood out to me is that your body already seems to know the answer. You’re not reacting to just a bridesmaid invite, you’re reacting to years of instability, lack of accountability, and things being brushed aside. That kind of history doesn’t just reset because of a note about “turning a new leaf.”

It also makes sense that you’re trying to figure out her motives, but that can pull you into her world a bit. You may never get a clear or honest answer there. What might be more useful is focusing on what this would mean for you.

If you said yes, how would you feel in the lead-up and on the day? Would you feel safe, respected, and able to enjoy it?
If you said no, what would that protect for you?

There isn’t a “right” answer here, but there is a self-protective one.

It’s also okay to choose something in the middle. You don’t have to accept a role that feels too close if the relationship itself hasn’t been repaired. Being a guest is already participation. You’re not rejecting her wedding by setting a boundary around your level of involvement.

And you’re right about one thing, your family may react. But their reaction doesn’t define whether your decision is reasonable. It just reflects the pattern you’ve been in with them.

You don’t have to decide today. Taking some time and space before responding is completely fair.

What feels most aligned for you right now, even if it’s just a small step in one direction?

[Em9321]

I feel like saying yes almost lets her off the hook. It feels like the easy way out for her, and honestly for my family too. My mom constantly tells me that my relationship with my sister keeps her up at night and that she hates that we’re “fighting.” But the reality is, my mom and sister are very enmeshed, which makes everything more complicated, and somehow I still end up being seen as the bad guy for having boundaries.

I was genuinely impressed with how my sister behaved at my wedding. But historically, every time I’ve let my guard down, it follows the same pattern: she has an outburst, then comes back with emotional apologies, asks me not to abandon her, promises to change, and I feel hopeful… only to get pulled right back into the same cycle of being blamed, screamed at, and treated badly.

This is a cycle I was stuck in my entire life before I moved out and set boundaries. I’ve always said that if there were a sincere apology, real accountability, and an actual conversation, I would be open to rebuilding a relationship, but that has never happened.

I also can’t shake this strong sense of fairness - like you don’t get to treat your family poorly for years and still get everything you want without ever taking responsibility or working to repair the damage.

So I feel really torn. Part of me wants to say no to protect my boundaries, acknowledge that I still feel genuine fear and discomfort around her, and stay true to what I’ve worked hard to build for myself. But another part of me wants to say yes because I’ve seen small signs of growth, she did handle my wedding better than expected, I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy by my family, and honestly, I don’t want to create more drama or conflict.

[ForeverDad]

What would be your "comfort zone"?  Where would you prefer to be, in the wedding party or more comfortable sitting in one of the front rows?

I recall the first wedding I was in.  The groom was one of my best friends and wanted me to be his best man.  However, his bride had invited every girlfriend she knew that since they weren't in other weddings they could be in hers.  Ten bridesmaids.  So many that it was decided we all would be arranged and paired by height.  Needless to say, I was the tallest and so rather than being the best man I was the 10th man.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be in the wedding.  I do say there are many factors involved and some could rise up out of left field.

There is something to consider about BPD traits.  Often some distance and less frequency of interaction reduces the level of discord.  If you've been on the periphery of your sister's life recently, you might ponder whether the relationship and reduced conflict might be due to the less interaction.  Or whether instead it may be that over the years and with increased maturity she may be becoming a less problematic person.  Something to ponder.