So Hurt

[broken mom2]

My daughter has not spoke to me for almost 4 weeks now, and I just received a message from her asking me to remove all pictures of her and my grandchild from facebook because she doesn't want to be associated with me. It just hurt so bad reading that, I used to facetime with my granddaughter at least once a week and now she does not want me to be around her. She has told my mother she does not want my granddaughter around me either because if I really wanted them in my life I would have tried harder, and my mother just says she doesn't want to be in the middle because it hurts to much.
Here I am sitting at work trying not to ball my eyes out and my heart breaking.
I don't know what to do anymore, I am crying daily blaming myself for all of this and no matter what I do it feels like I am disappointing someone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I really feel for you.  Sadly, estrangement is very common with BPD.  But my guess is that your daughter will reach out again soon enough, typically when she wants some help.

Look, if your daughter didn't want to associate with you, she wouldn't have messaged you at all.  I think she wants to punish you right now, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  In my experience, this sort of behavior has nothing to do with you; rather, it's typically a sign that your daughter is stressed out right now.  Because she can't handle the stress very well, she's lashing out at you.  It looks like she's trying to control you, too, perhaps in a vain attempt to reclaim some control in her own life.

My advice is not to take down the pictures from Facebook.  What you do on Facebook is your business.  If she doesn't want to see you on Facebook, she can stop looking at you on Facebook.  If you do her bidding, especially in the context of a manipulative, angry request (i.e. not a rational one about safety or privacy), my guess is that it won't solve her problem one bit, because the problem isn't about you sharing family pictures.  By agreeing to her irrational requests, you'd be incentivizing her mean-spirited behavior.  I'd advise not to increase her incentives for lashing out with meanness.

I think your mom said exactly the right thing--she doesn't want to be in the middle.  She didn't say, OK, I'll agree to an irrational request to alienate a granddaughter from grandma.  Kudos to your mom!  She refused to be triangulated and manipulated, even if it hurt her a lot.

Now I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better.  Please know that you are not to blame for BPD.  A mantra here is the three Cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That might help alleviate some of the guilt.

[Mutt]

broken mom2,

That’s a really painful message to receive - especially while you’re at work trying to hold it together. It makes sense your mind goes straight to “what did I do wrong?” when something like this happens.

These kinds of cutoffs usually aren’t about one moment or one mistake. They tend to come from built-up emotion on the other side that spills out all at once. That doesn’t mean you caused all of this, and it also doesn’t mean you can fix it quickly.

With the Facebook request, there isn’t one “right” answer - it’s more about what helps keep the door open versus what might harden things further.

And losing contact with your granddaughter like this… that’s real grief. It’s a lot to carry all at once.

You don’t have to solve this today. Getting through the day is enough right now.

You’re not alone in this.

[Pook075]

I am so sorry you received a message like that; many here have experienced something similar and it's incredibly painful.

For the Facebook stuff, there's a simple option.  You can go into those posts and select an option for them to be visible with everyone but your daughter.  I did that a few years back when my mom was terminally sick- I'd post general updates on Facebook but hide it from my mom and my dad so they wouldn't get upset by seeing it.  When my father got sick a few years later, I did the same thing hiding it from him and it becomes a default option that I could select very quickly.

With that said, please remember that this is for "right now" and not for "forever".  Continue to let your daughter know that you love her and the grandkid, despite what she might say in return.  Remember that the problem here is mental illness and that this is not your fault.  I hope that helps!

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  Welcome to the club noone wants to be in!  I am just in my 3rd you of (my pwBPD daughter's CHOICE) limited contact with (yes, she reaches out when she needs something) when she was diagnosed with BPD, she texted all the time, begged me to sleep over, etc. than (I have learned the phrase is "ghosted") ghosted me, her father, sister & nieces....so....I, know it is SO hurtful, I find myself looking at pictures, cards, etc. wondering, how the heck did this happen? I don't even know where she lives! I have a double whammy because my granddaughters' mom has BPD & does the "on & off" you can't see the kids, that is SO hurtful and makes me very anxious, because I am a big planner (I have really learned patience and winging plans); I am so sorry you are going through this, I would not wish the BPD beast ramfications on anyone

[js friend]

Hi Broken mom2,

Im sorry that you are experiencing this from your dd but if your dd does not want to be associated with you why doesnt SHE remove all HER pictures of you and her child from her FB account? Make it make sense!!! 

Please know that she is saying these awful things in a moment of devaluing you but it doesnt mean that you have to go along with it and the best reaction is often no reaction.