So Hurt

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter has not spoke to me for almost 4 weeks now, and I just received a message from her asking me to remove all pictures of her and my grandchild from facebook because she doesn't want to be associated with me. It just hurt so bad reading that, I used to facetime with my granddaughter at least once a week and now she does not want me to be around her. She has told my mother she does not want my granddaughter around me either because if I really wanted them in my life I would have tried harder, and my mother just says she doesn't want to be in the middle because it hurts to much.
Here I am sitting at work trying not to ball my eyes out and my heart breaking.
I don't know what to do anymore, I am crying daily blaming myself for all of this and no matter what I do it feels like I am disappointing someone.

[broken mom2]

My daughter has not spoke to me for almost 4 weeks now, and I just received a message from her asking me to remove all pictures of her and my grandchild from facebook because she doesn't want to be associated with me. It just hurt so bad reading that, I used to facetime with my granddaughter at least once a week and now she does not want me to be around her. She has told my mother she does not want my granddaughter around me either because if I really wanted them in my life I would have tried harder, and my mother just says she doesn't want to be in the middle because it hurts to much.
Here I am sitting at work trying not to ball my eyes out and my heart breaking.
I don't know what to do anymore, I am crying daily blaming myself for all of this and no matter what I do it feels like I am disappointing someone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I really feel for you.  Sadly, estrangement is very common with BPD.  But my guess is that your daughter will reach out again soon enough, typically when she wants some help.

Look, if your daughter didn't want to associate with you, she wouldn't have messaged you at all.  I think she wants to punish you right now, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  In my experience, this sort of behavior has nothing to do with you; rather, it's typically a sign that your daughter is stressed out right now.  Because she can't handle the stress very well, she's lashing out at you.  It looks like she's trying to control you, too, perhaps in a vain attempt to reclaim some control in her own life.

My advice is not to take down the pictures from Facebook.  What you do on Facebook is your business.  If she doesn't want to see you on Facebook, she can stop looking at you on Facebook.  If you do her bidding, especially in the context of a manipulative, angry request (i.e. not a rational one about safety or privacy), my guess is that it won't solve her problem one bit, because the problem isn't about you sharing family pictures.  By agreeing to her irrational requests, you'd be incentivizing her mean-spirited behavior.  I'd advise not to increase her incentives for lashing out with meanness.

I think your mom said exactly the right thing--she doesn't want to be in the middle.  She didn't say, OK, I'll agree to an irrational request to alienate a granddaughter from grandma.  Kudos to your mom!  She refused to be triangulated and manipulated, even if it hurt her a lot.

Now I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better.  Please know that you are not to blame for BPD.  A mantra here is the three Cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That might help alleviate some of the guilt.

[Mutt]

broken mom2,

That’s a really painful message to receive - especially while you’re at work trying to hold it together. It makes sense your mind goes straight to “what did I do wrong?” when something like this happens.

These kinds of cutoffs usually aren’t about one moment or one mistake. They tend to come from built-up emotion on the other side that spills out all at once. That doesn’t mean you caused all of this, and it also doesn’t mean you can fix it quickly.

With the Facebook request, there isn’t one “right” answer - it’s more about what helps keep the door open versus what might harden things further.

And losing contact with your granddaughter like this… that’s real grief. It’s a lot to carry all at once.

You don’t have to solve this today. Getting through the day is enough right now.

You’re not alone in this.

[Pook075]

I am so sorry you received a message like that; many here have experienced something similar and it's incredibly painful.

For the Facebook stuff, there's a simple option.  You can go into those posts and select an option for them to be visible with everyone but your daughter.  I did that a few years back when my mom was terminally sick- I'd post general updates on Facebook but hide it from my mom and my dad so they wouldn't get upset by seeing it.  When my father got sick a few years later, I did the same thing hiding it from him and it becomes a default option that I could select very quickly.

With that said, please remember that this is for "right now" and not for "forever".  Continue to let your daughter know that you love her and the grandkid, despite what she might say in return.  Remember that the problem here is mental illness and that this is not your fault.  I hope that helps!

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  Welcome to the club noone wants to be in!  I am just in my 3rd you of (my pwBPD daughter's CHOICE) limited contact with (yes, she reaches out when she needs something) when she was diagnosed with BPD, she texted all the time, begged me to sleep over, etc. than (I have learned the phrase is "ghosted") ghosted me, her father, sister & nieces....so....I, know it is SO hurtful, I find myself looking at pictures, cards, etc. wondering, how the heck did this happen? I don't even know where she lives! I have a double whammy because my granddaughters' mom has BPD & does the "on & off" you can't see the kids, that is SO hurtful and makes me very anxious, because I am a big planner (I have really learned patience and winging plans); I am so sorry you are going through this, I would not wish the BPD beast ramfications on anyone

[js friend]

Hi Broken mom2,

Im sorry that you are experiencing this from your dd but if your dd does not want to be associated with you why doesnt SHE remove all HER pictures of you and her child from her FB account? Make it make sense!!! 

Please know that she is saying these awful things in a moment of devaluing you but it doesnt mean that you have to go along with it and the best reaction is often no reaction.

[broken mom2]

So it’s been almost 3 months since my daughter last spoke to me. I have reached out a couple of times just to tell her I love her and I’m always here for her. It’s her 22nd birthday tomorrow so I sent her a card and a gift. Today I visited with my mom and she was babysitting my granddaughter, after leaving and my daughter picking up her daughter she decided to reach out to me screaming and crying all while her daughter is sitting there crying in the background. She told me I either had to come visit her tonight or she was going to kill herself. I am sitting here feeling bad that she feels this way but I don’t think I can handle it. My ex husband is now texting me blaming me for this. My daughter is mad because I live with my fiance and his two kids and my son come and visit as they please but after years of out bursts my fiance does not want her at his home. Am I wrong to think she did this on her own by always acting out??? I was always willing to go visit her but it just turned into fights, so for my own mental wellbeing I have stepped back. And now all of this happens some days I think it would be easier to just pack up and move far away from everything.
I’m sorry I am all over the place with this I am just so tired and don’t know what to do anymore

[CC43]

Hi broken mom,

I'm sorry your daughter seems so upset.  If she's reaching out after weeks or months of estrangement by making demands and a suicide threat, my guess is that she's feeling a lot of stress and/or disappointment right now.  Worse, she has tried to drag your ex into this, by venting to him all her (ancient) grievances about you, when technically you have't done anything wrong in recent weeks.  He's upset that she's upset, and he's also blaming you.

Trust me, this isn't about you at all.  This is about your daughter bumping up against adulthood without the necessary emotional skills to cope.  My opinion is that young adulthood is the worst--from around age 22 to 25--when it becomes increasingly clear to her that she's not functioning very well, and when her tantrums seem totally incongruent with her age.  Maybe as a tween and teenager, she could get away with throwing fits, especially within the confines of her immediate family.  But as a young adult, well she's discovering that throwing tantrums and acting out all the time isn't really working for her as it once did.  People don't want her around because of her drama and inappropriate outbursts.  She's not invited over much.  She's lost her friends (and probably doesn't have any left).  She can't keep a job.  She can't really handle independent study or keeping house.  She's totally overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood, let alone parenthood.  Her life starts to look dysfunctional, and she knows it.  Yet her expectations remain totally unrealistic:  she expects always to be the center of attention.  She expects too much devotion from friends and family.  She expects others to over-function for her.  She's selfish.  She feels irritable and aggrieved, full-time.  She feels traumatized, abused, neglected, inferior, constantly dissatisfied.  Her aura is negative.  Her entire mindset is negative.  She's stressed out.  She thinks her life is over.  She can't stand living another day.  She's exhausted, and yet she stays up late at night scrolling through social media, feeling left out and insanely jealous of "everyone else."  But her thinking is increasingly disordered.  She doesn't understand where her troubles are really coming from.  She adopts a victim narrative, blaming everyone else for all her woes.  And that, in my opinion, is the worst part of BPD, because she thinks she's helpless, and she abdicates responsibility for her own life.  She has basically given up on herself.  Others might step up to "help" her, but the more others do for her, the less competent and confident she feels.  She RESENTS you for being so reliant on you.  Does that sound about right?

Let me guess, her entire family has generally been supportive of your daughter, by providing her money, free housing, logistical support and/or free childcare.  But rather than be appreciative, she's upset and uber-demanding.  She blames others for all her problems.  Worse, she uses her own child as a pawn, to "punish" you for not doing exactly as she wants.  That's a frequent scenario on these boards.

Now that probably doesn't make you feel much better about the situation, because you don't want to see your daughter in such distress, and you don't want to be alienated from your grandkid.  Just know it's BPD, and it's not your fault.