Would love to hear your experiences

[wantmorepeace]

Hello.  After a brief period of NC, my sibling and I are back in touch.  As I contemplate the future, I am curious about the following:

1) Has anybody ever done an intentional period of NC with a pwbpd and found that it was helpful to the relationship?  A friend has been encouraging me to do this based experience they had with their sibling, but their sibling does not have this condition.

2) Has anybody ever used BIFF?  Has that been good?  Any tips?

[TelHill]

Hi I wantmorepeace,

I've gone through periods of NC with my late dBPD mother and it had mixed results. I did this as a way of coping with my late mother before I ever heard of BPD. 

She was all consuming and controlling. For example, she'd leave 10 vm's full of rages on my phone within 30 minutes if I didn't answer. She was sure I was dead. She wad furious that I stopped contacting her.

After multiple NCs she learned not to rage but still called excessively thinking I was dead. She'd rage and abuse in person regardless.

I trief BIFF with my mom and my ex-husband. It didn't work well. I was screamed at for changing the relationship and acting weird. It caused more trouble with it than without it. 

Low contact and strategic grey rock (giving them lots of info you don't mind them having -redecorating your living room for example) while not giving them any information (getting a high paying job, eg) they've smeared you with in the past works better for me.

I have an exuberant, happy demeanor so BIFF might be more jarring, or look like I'm about to cut all ties. 

NC and BIFF may work with normal people. You have to discern if it would work with a family member with a personality disorder.

[CC43]

Hi Wantmorepeace,

Your name says a lot.  Since you're talking about a sibling (I'm guessing a sister), you've had to deal with BPD behaviors for most of your life, correct?  My guess is that you're tired of the negativity, the drama, the false accusations, the blaming, the endless strife, the grievances from decades ago, the toxicity.  My other guess is that you're sick of a family dynamic where parents or other family members are enabling your sibling's behaviors while expecting you to be the bigger person and put up with it all.  Basically they want you to take the negativity, which is damaging to you.  And yet you feel guilty, because you want to love your family and make everyone happy.  Does that sound about right?

A period of no contact would be for YOU.  That way, you would get a break from the negativity and get back to your normal self.  My guess is you want some peace, right?

I'd advise, if you need a break, take it.  Don't explain yourself, just do it, because you deserve it.  Get busy living your best life.  Now maybe your relatives will try to meddle and urge you to contact your sibling--that sort of thing happens to me sometimes.  I think I might say something noncommittal, like "Maybe later."  But I'd underscore, you don't have to justify yourself.  They shouldn't be meddling in the first place.  This is between you and your sibling, and you are entitled to take a break if your sibling is too negative/disruptive/needy/accusatory/dramatic/volatile.  You are NOT responsible for your sibling's emotional welfare.  If the family pesters you further, then you could say that:  "I'm not responsible for my sibling's emotional welfare / I couldn't fix their life even if I wanted to / My sibling's problem is not my problem / I'm sure they can handle things themselves / I don't want to meddle."

As for the BIFF formula of communication, I think it can help in interacting with a high-conflict person, though it's probably best suited for written correspondence.  An example might be with ex-spouses, who need to correspond regularly about logistics regarding children and visitation.  BIFF stands for brief (as short as possible), informative (sticking to facts), friendly (cordial and respectful) and firm (leaving little room for debate).  In other words, you avoid emotional content, and you stick to business.

However, if you are thinking about using BIFF to explain why you want to go no contact, I think that probably isn't a good idea.  Why?  Because your emotional state--feeling traumatized / tired / exasperated / guilty / dragged down--is not a business topic, it's personal.  Personal issues don't belong in BIFF communications in my opinion.  Explaining why you need space and getting into details would sound more like JADE to me.  JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, which we learn on these boards is to be avoided with pwBPD when they are dysregulated.

In person, I think BIFF might look like treating your sibling as you might a colleague you don't particularly like, but you have to get along together to get your work done.  You could be cheerful (i.e. friendly)--"Good morning.  Nice to see you." You could be respectful--"Thanks for coming."  But you don't offer any revealing personal details, and you stay neutral emotionally.  You keep everything professional.  To continue the analogy, as a business executive, you're BUSY.  You need to wrap things up quickly so you can get back to your life as soon as possible.  If you keep visits and phone calls short and sweet, there's less possiblity for drama or a meltdown.  This might sound like, "Sibling, I'm in a rush, nice talking to you, bye."  By the way, "I'm in a rush" is my go-to excuse.  It works because there's no personal information there, but it's true, and everyone can relate.  Alas, my "in a rush" is usually to get to the bathroom, but people don't need to know that . . . my point is, less is more here.

[TelHill]

Wantmorepeace,

You sound familiar with  the concept of BIFF so you may know it was Bill Eddy, an author, attorney and therapist, who came up with the concept and acronym. His books on dealing with  disordered people (he calls them high conflict people ) are recommended at this website.

I first ran across BIFF in 2017 when I was desperate to communicate with my stbx disordered husband during our divorce. I bought his book and it didn't work to calm him down.

I read something like the linked article below by Bill Eddy on  BIFF and difficult family members about  2019/2020. I decided to try it on my dBPD mother hoping it would work and it didn't.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-communications-for-estranged-families/

My relationships with these two were closer than a relationship I have with a sibling. They both were very loud and aggressive people who were very good at controlling others. They felt they had a lot invested in me and weren't keen with my being an independent person.

I agree with CC43 that you don't want to explain why you are distancing yourself, especially in a friendly and brief manner. In my life, it made for circular, pointless arguments (aka word salad) from the pwBPD.  This is a defense for when they feel threatened they are losing you forever. It 's a theme which was always there with these two. Like most BPD they are terrified of abandonment and will do anything and everything to stop it. Not calling it out and gingerly stepping away do not trigger meltdowns and tantrums as a rule.

[Notwendy]

In my experience, attempting to be NC with a disordered person didn't help them or the relationship. There's also the reactions from other family members who are part of the family system of behaviors.

I also think how someone uses NC can be emotionally healthy or not. It was actually BPD mother who would do the silent treatment/NC briefly as part of her push-pull behavior. For me, if someone goes no contact with me, it feels punitive. If there's a conflict with someone, I prefer to work things out- but with pwBPD that may not be possible.

I think there are some situations where NC is the best choice and it's for the person going NC, not the relationship. When a relationship is truly over- like someone is dating someone, they break up, they don't have any ties. If continued contact is impacting one's emotional recovery- NC is helpful.

NC is a choice when contact with the person is emotionally hurtful to the person. I mentioned in another thread that a counselor had recommended that to me. The advice to try NC was not to make the relationship better but to give me some emotional space.

I agree with not saying something to the other person. It causes a reaction in them, and other family members. Your sister has BPD but it's possible other family members are enablers and will react too. If you still want to have contact with these family members- consider them in the decision. I tried do what the counselor suggested but contact with my father included her too and I didn't want to go NC with him. Then there's family events. If you go see your parents at holidays, likely your sister will be there too.

It's BPD mother for whom NC was done in a disordered way. She was angry at the time my father passed away and told her friends and family to not speak to me. This caused a period of estrangement. Yet still there were some family events where I'd see them. It was so awkward. For BPD mother, this was a part of her push pull behavior. NC didn't help or change her but it affected the relationship with extended family members.

I think NC is appropriate when relationships are so toxic that one goes NC with their FOO for their own protection. I think in some cases, it's the right and necessary decision. However, if the goal is to have some emotional boundaries while maintaining family ties, I think the better choice is LC- less emotion, less contact, and less drama, and also to not say anything to anyone, just a decision on your own.

[wantmorepeace]

You all clearly understand my situation and I appreciate your advice and support.  Before I heard back, I did try BIFF and, as you predicted, it didn't work -- if by work, we mean elicit a good reaction.  What it did allow me to do was to state my boundary clearly, which has been a really good thing in its own way. Because I set that boundary, I am hearing very infrequently from my sibling, what I do hear is attacking, and I'm not responding, so it's a LC situation.  And also, when I move towards FOG, I can easily remind myself of the reasonableness of my boundary.

And you are right about LOC -- that is allowing healing on my part.  I still have anxiety that comes and goes but it is less every day.   

I hope everybody has a good day.