no contact question

[wantmorepeace]

Has anybody ever initiated an intentionally temporary period of NC with a ubpd sibling or other family member and had it be good for the relationship when they reconnected?  A friend did this with their sibling and has been encouraging me to do the same, but their sibling does not have bpd....

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Hi

My aunt gets forced into periods of no contact with my uBPD mother who gets it in for her. When the episode passes they have an ok relationship for a while but the the venom ok my mother eventually builds again - my poor aunt is the sweetest woman and her only crime in life is to be a younger sibling that my mum still.haa childlike resentment for. We currently are in a really bad episode with my other where she is NC with my aunt again and my brother and I need to minimal contact from her. It just doesn't seem to last and this episode she doesn't seem to be snapping out of .

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you.  That's helpful.  My heart goes out to you and to your aunt.  Please know that you are not alone. 

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Thank you so very much , this forum has been invaluable place to come for solidarity for me because support groups for those with BPD seem plentiful but not so much for those of being on the recieving end of it.

[ForeverDad]

... A friend did this with their sibling and has been encouraging me to do the same, but their sibling does not have bpd....

And that is the difference between a reasonably normal person versus one who is prone to repeated disordered acting-out behavior.

Of course, you can try that - just in case it works - but after a few times of the push-pull cycles continuing, you may have to accept the issues are far deeper than a quick fix can address.

Going NC (no contact) or LC/RC (low or reduced contact) may be what is required.  As for BPD, it is known that the closer the relationship, the more severe the impact on our lives.  While someone on the periphery or with only occasional contact may notice something "off", those closer are more impacted.

This is where firm Boundaries are important.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries, so we must set our own boundaries, for us, for how we respond to the poor behavior.  Granted, this is not intuitive.  A very simplistic format can be, "If you do or don't ___ then I will in response do or not do ___."  For example, if the person is ranting and raging, your boundary can be to exit and say you'll return later when the other has reset or calmed down.  It's not a fix nor does it cover every situation, but it's better than appeasing and allowing the poor behavior in your presence.

[wantmorepeace]

The focus on boundary setting makes a lot of sense to me.  It's what I'm trying to work on right now actually.  It's raising a lot of anxiety for me but it feels right nonetheless.

Thank you for the support.

[Notwendy]

In college, a counselor suggested I go NC with BPD mother. I tried to do it but it was not possible- because, other people who I wanted to have contact with were connected to her. She and my father were a pair and contact with him would include her. So I didn't actually do it or consider it.

From my own experience, going NC doesn't change the other person. I think the main reason to go NC is for our own emotional well being. If contact with the other person is affecting ones own emotional well being- it's a protective decision. It can be the best decision in some circumstances but not possible or the best decision in others.

For a relationship to improve, we have to do some personal work, but still, if the other person has BPD and is not doing their own therapy, the only thing we can do is our own work. Going NC can give us some emotional space, but it doesn't change the other person.

Also, families exist in a system- and a balance of behaviors with each other. Going NC with one family member might also result in issues with other family members as well. While the concept is to give emotional space, it may increase the drama in other ways.

My own choice (unless the situation is very damaging) with someone with whom we have connections in common is to go LC- manage contact and the emotional content of the communications. Keep in mind that boundaries are about us, not the other person. The goal isn't to change them, it's to manage our part in the dynamics as best we can. One idea is to not be available all the time but have a plan for when to speak- like a schedule. If the person calls during other times, don't pick up or say "we will speak this weekend". These could be smaller "times out", rather than all or none contact.