BPD daughter estrangement

[pursuingJoy]

It's been a while. Hello friends  

A little background. I initially discovered this site because my MIL exhibits BPD behaviors and it wreaked havoc on my marriage. Thanks to BPDFamily, therapy, setting better personal boundaries and a husband who was willing to examine and change behaviors, my marriage is in a really good place today.

About four years ago, my middle daughter was diagnosed with BPD as well. Who knew the years of anguish spent sorting through my MIL's BPD behaviors would end up here.

In short, I have three kids. I was my BPD kiddo's person. After a challenging relationship with my husband, she split and took her siblings with her. The oldest and youngest now speak to me. They miss me and seem torn. I haven't spoken to the middle one, C, for five years. My heart breaks every day. I toggle between lingering guilt (should I have done some differently?), shame (so hard to talk about this, people don't know what to say), grief (it's like grieving a death she is choosing), healing (because I know that's what I'm responsible for).

She is the only one that also lives in my city, and I happen to know through her siblings that she is dating a guy named N. I don't stalk her social media but I have looked her up, so I know what he looks like. He happened to be working at a kiosk I frequent with friends yesterday. I didn't talk to him. We've never met. It was the closest contact I've had with my kid in years, and it was overwhelmingly triggering for reasons I can't quite verbalize yet.

I just needed to put the story somewhere that people would understand. If you're also dealing with this, I hope for you what I hope for me - that we find moments of joy, that we live life fully and continue to grow and find meaning and purpose.

  pj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  your story PIERCES my heart!  My oldest daughter, now 26 was diagnosed with BPD 3 1/2 years ago, (quick version) I researched this, read all of the books she told me to, joined NAMI, I was (as you reference!) her favorite person (which, I have found is NOT the best place to be...she had me sleeping over, hiding her kitchen knives, hiding her pills, would text all day long, etc.) until I was NOT the favorite person....apparently (splitting?) that makes you hated....I have not seen my daughter for 3 years, (her choice) she said she "needed space & would reach out, when she was ready" (I text her every holiday, bday & send cards, gift cards, etc.) she has not responded for the last 6 months (I am lucky she speak to my mom) it is heart wrenching; like you, it is awkward when friends ask how she is, etc.  I have poured over pictures, cards (how did i not KNOW this?) I have a therapist who specializes in young adults with BPD and I am finally embracing happiness (I feel guilty, how can I be happy when I don't see my CHILD?) and I am familiar with the "grieving a live person"; she (i have learned the term "ghosted" me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces (the youngest 2, we practically raised) BPD is a BEAST and I am very sorry you are going through this....I love talking about BPD, feel free to reach out (though I will be out of town for 2 weeks

[pursuingJoy]

BPSstinks, oof, I can relate to the guilt for feeling happy. Funny thing is, I want that for you and others. I want you to let go of the guilt, I want you to be happy. How do you get past the guilt? What helps?

I tried to reach out to my BPD kid with a holiday message once, and my non-BPD youngest cut me off for doing so, saying I wasn't respecting boundaries. The message came through loud and clear - any contact towards BPD kid would result in my other two cutting me off. My oldest and youngest speak to me now, but as much as I try to make our interactions positive and casual, I carry intense anxiety. I feel like I can't make any mistakes.

I have long been in therapy and have processed a lot of trauma from my childhood through to adulthood, but nothing prepared me for the pain of losing kids.