BPD daughter estrangement

[pursuingJoy]

It's been a while. Hello friends  

A little background. I initially discovered this site because my MIL exhibits BPD behaviors and it wreaked havoc on my marriage. Thanks to BPDFamily, therapy, setting better personal boundaries and a husband who was willing to examine and change behaviors, my marriage is in a really good place today.

About four years ago, my middle daughter was diagnosed with BPD as well. Who knew the years of anguish spent sorting through my MIL's BPD behaviors would end up here.

In short, I have three kids. I was my BPD kiddo's person. After a challenging relationship with my husband, she split and took her siblings with her. The oldest and youngest now speak to me. They miss me and seem torn. I haven't spoken to the middle one, C, for five years. My heart breaks every day. I toggle between lingering guilt (should I have done some differently?), shame (so hard to talk about this, people don't know what to say), grief (it's like grieving a death she is choosing), healing (because I know that's what I'm responsible for).

She is the only one that also lives in my city, and I happen to know through her siblings that she is dating a guy named N. I don't stalk her social media but I have looked her up, so I know what he looks like. He happened to be working at a kiosk I frequent with friends yesterday. I didn't talk to him. We've never met. It was the closest contact I've had with my kid in years, and it was overwhelmingly triggering for reasons I can't quite verbalize yet.

I just needed to put the story somewhere that people would understand. If you're also dealing with this, I hope for you what I hope for me - that we find moments of joy, that we live life fully and continue to grow and find meaning and purpose.

  pj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  your story PIERCES my heart!  My oldest daughter, now 26 was diagnosed with BPD 3 1/2 years ago, (quick version) I researched this, read all of the books she told me to, joined NAMI, I was (as you reference!) her favorite person (which, I have found is NOT the best place to be...she had me sleeping over, hiding her kitchen knives, hiding her pills, would text all day long, etc.) until I was NOT the favorite person....apparently (splitting?) that makes you hated....I have not seen my daughter for 3 years, (her choice) she said she "needed space & would reach out, when she was ready" (I text her every holiday, bday & send cards, gift cards, etc.) she has not responded for the last 6 months (I am lucky she speak to my mom) it is heart wrenching; like you, it is awkward when friends ask how she is, etc.  I have poured over pictures, cards (how did i not KNOW this?) I have a therapist who specializes in young adults with BPD and I am finally embracing happiness (I feel guilty, how can I be happy when I don't see my CHILD?) and I am familiar with the "grieving a live person"; she (i have learned the term "ghosted" me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces (the youngest 2, we practically raised) BPD is a BEAST and I am very sorry you are going through this....I love talking about BPD, feel free to reach out (though I will be out of town for 2 weeks

[pursuingJoy]

BPSstinks, oof, I can relate to the guilt for feeling happy. Funny thing is, I want that for you and others. I want you to let go of the guilt, I want you to be happy. How do you get past the guilt? What helps?

I tried to reach out to my BPD kid with a holiday message once, and my non-BPD youngest cut me off for doing so, saying I wasn't respecting boundaries. The message came through loud and clear - any contact towards BPD kid would result in my other two cutting me off. My oldest and youngest speak to me now, but as much as I try to make our interactions positive and casual, I carry intense anxiety. I feel like I can't make any mistakes.

I have long been in therapy and have processed a lot of trauma from my childhood through to adulthood, but nothing prepared me for the pain of losing kids.

[Notwendy]

Hi Pursuing Joy- I remember you from the other board and your challenging relationship with your MIL and her relationship with your husband.

I am sorry to hear you are also dealing with a BPD child.

These issues involve family dynamics and can be intergenerational. There's also a genetic component to BPD but it's not a absolute that a parent with BPD will have a child with it too. It seems more complicated than that. You didn't cause this. It isn't your fault.

What baffles me is the capacity of someone with BPD to get others to align with them. In my situation it was my BPD mother who got angry at me, then my father and her other family members aligned with her.

I was estranged from her FOO for many years. They did resume contact with me later when they saw the extent of her behaviors.

I am glad to hear that your other children have resumed contact with you. I can relate to the sense of anxiety around them due to their being influenced by their sibling with BPD. My BPD mother is now deceased but I still am cautious about my relationship with her FOO.

I believe you deserve to be happy. I hope you can find some moments of that and more of them. Your D has made a very sad choice and IMHO, it's her loss. 

[pursuingJoy]

Notwendy, hello friend. I remember you too.  Your words of encouragement mean more than you know. I really needed to hear that today, it's been a day of grieving. Thank you. 

[zachira]

I remember you and how hard you worked on dealing with the relationship your husband has with his mother.

It seems with disordered people that they often start lining up their flying monkeys long before the chosen target becomes aware. Mothers usually love their children more than anybody else in the world. I am sad you are unable to have contact with your daughter while I respect how you have been able to maintain a relationship with your other children.

We do not know what the future will bring. Things can unexpectedly either get much better or much worse.

[CC43]

In short, I have three kids. I was my BPD kiddo's person. After a challenging relationship with my husband, she split and took her siblings with her. The oldest and youngest now speak to me. They miss me and seem torn. I haven't spoken to the middle one, C, for five years. She is the only one that also lives in my city, and I happen to know through her siblings that she is dating a guy named N.

I just needed to put the story somewhere that people would understand. If you're also dealing with this, I hope for you what I hope for me - that we find moments of joy, that we live life fully and continue to grow and find meaning and purpose.

Joy, I know it hurts not to be in touch with your daughter.  When you write she had a challenging relationship with your husband, I take it that he's her stepdad, not her "real" dad, correct?  That right there explains a lot to me.  Assuming I've got that right, I'll venture another guess, which is that your daughter never accepted that you remarried, probably because she wanted 100% of your attention for herself.  She couldn't comprehend that you wanted to move on, enjoy the stability of a healthy marriage, find companionship and love with a true partner.  What's more, she doesn't embrace change, because change usually means growth, complex relationships, more responsibilities--all of which seem scary and completely overwhelming to her.  Deep down she wants to retain her "toddler" status, when she got everyone's attention and had all her needs taken care of.  Any threat of change made her anxious, resentful, fearful of the future.  Let me guess some more:  she acted out, created chaos in the household, resented you for remarrying, tried to punish you every way she could think of.  Maybe she "regressed" and became really clingy, literally trying to use herself as a physical and emotional wedge between you and your husband.  Did she have a meltdown at the wedding?  How about at Thanksgiving and Christmas, ruining it for the family?  Did she refuse to do anything with (or for) stepdad?  Did she ignore anything he said, no matter how nice he had been to her over the years?  Did she give him the silent treatment whenever she didn't get her way?  Or maybe she threw tantrums until you both relented?  Did she treat him like an ATM but nothing more?  If my guesses are on target, it's because I lived through something similar.

Yet I think it's actuallly pretty awesome if your daughter is having some success at "adulting."  If she's supporting herself somewhat and carving out an adult's life for herself, I think that shows you did a whole lot right.  Sure, she feels she has to maintain the "I had an abusive childhood" (aka victim narrative) to convince herself that her family is causing her all sorts of problems.  But, if in spite of all that negative thinking and victim attitude, she's still functioning in the real world, that is something to be joyful about.  That's a main goal of parenting:  preparing your kid to funcion independently in the real world.  That's wonderful.

Deep down, I suspect your daughter feels shameful.  She might regret acting poorly and making some bad choices.  Most of all, she might think that you are ashamed of her, and that might be why it's so hard to reconnect with you.  She might be secretly jealous that you have everything (good looks, a loving husband, a nice home, kids, maybe a good career too), whereas she thinks she has nothing, and it's just not FAIR.  She's might feel like every day is a struggle, whereas she thinks other people have it so easy.  She just can't be happy for you (or anyone else) until she's happy with herself.  My guess is that once she's feeling more established as an adult--she finds a steady boyfriend, she gets a job she likes--she'll have a better sense of who she is and where she's going, and she can start to let go of some of the ancient grievances and negativity.  She'll embrace an identity as a functioning adult, not an aggrieved/abused child.  At least that is what I would hope.

In the meantime, I guess I'd advise that you should model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking care of yourself, as well as not fretting about things you have no control over.  It means you enjoy your life with your husband, you pursue your hobbies, and you spend times with your friends.  If your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you, that's her choice and her loss.  But try to give her the benefit of the doubt--she's just not ready to repair the relationship with you yet, because she's working on herself and doing her own thing, and that's OK.  You just be happy that she's doing what makes her happy.