Not sure what to do

[Trony]

My husband has been in pain for a while,  since our second child was born 3.5 years ago. Our relationship has suffered. He feels like I don’t care about him and he is unable to get things done. He feels like his life is being wasted and I don’t care about him enough to notice and help. I am not sure how I can help him. I have been trying to help by setting time aside to just focus on him, which is hard with kids. And he frequently just pushes me away then, fights and so on. When he is upset he starts berating me on chat. I feel like I must respond or else he will feel abandoned and he is derailing a bunch of my job commitments this way. He frequently says he wants a divorce. I am not sure if he has BPD but it feels like a fit. He has an adhd diagnosis and when he takes his meds he is better but still not great. My confidence is being destroyed and my parenting is suffering. He is good with the kids, spends an hour in the evening with them reading books. But I do everything else: getting them to school, doctors appointments, groceries, cooking, laundry, soccer, gymnastics. It really feel like he is in pain but he gets so angry that I don’t give the attention and help he expects and feels unloved and then justified to be quite cruel to me. I don’t know what to do. Any boundaries I have tried to set he has annihilated. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I feel like I am out of ideas.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Maybe I am doing it wrong. I feel like I am out of ideas.

Hi Trony and welcome to the family!  I am so sorry you're going through this and I wish there was one magic phrase I could share that would make everything okay.  Unfortunately, there's not because this is a process that both of you need to work through.

First off, is your husband in therapy at all?  What's he doing to deal with the mental health aspects?  And what about you- have you considered therapy to learn better ways to deal with this?

For your husband's part, he feels immense shame and frustration for struggling so often.  He sees himself as a burden and instead of making adjustments, he gets so caught up in his own emotions that he lashes out at those closest to him (you). 

So please understand, when he's blaming you for not making enough time, it's because you "make him feel better" when things are going well.  But when he's off, and you don't magically fix things, then he blames you for something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

The only person who can "fix" your husband is your husband.  That's not your job or anyone else's.  He has to want it though and be willing to work with a therapist until he's in a better position to deal with those overflowing feelings.  Until then, there's nothing anyone can do...it has to start with him.

For the boundary part you mentioned, what have you tried?  Hopefully you realize that boundaries are for you and you alone.  For instance, if I decide that I'm not going to argue anymore and someone starts an argument, it's up to me to enact the proper boundary for myself.  That could mean walking away.  That could be staying silent.  That could be changing the conversation entirely or showing compassion and asking what is really going on.  Or I can yell back. 

Regardless of what I do though, the boundary only works if I stick to it to avoid being in situations that I no longer wish to be in.

And when someone is used to arguing and complaining about everything, of course they're not going to like it when I refuse to participate.  The boundary doesn't "fix things" and of course others push back.  That's expected even when mental illness is not involved.  Again, it's simply there for me- if you yell, I'm trying to calm you down and then walking away 100% of the time.

Does that make sense?

[ForeverDad]

Many here in peer support, myself included, never learned of a diagnosis of BPD or other personality disorder.  There can be various reasons for this lack of knowledge.

• A person has a right not to seek out or be forced to use mental health resources.
• Some countries have privacy laws for patients, privacy even from spouses.
• Therapists or counselors may choose not to offer a diagnosis, being aware that identifying such a label may make the patient more likely to resist further therapy.

So what we can do is to be aware of the behavior patterns, consider whether they fit certain disorders, and ponder the various ways to deal with those behaviors in time-tested ways.

We are advocates of Boundaries, but with a twist.  Since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to resist boundaries, we therefore can choose to make our own Boundaries are for us, not for the other but for us, which is how we respond to poor behavior.  That perspective is not intuitive but it works more or less.  Family court's version of boundaries are named "orders".

As an example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target, appeaser or whipping boy.  Rather, one possible response is that we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.