I'm not sure about all pwBPD, but that seems to be the component my W lacks - the "I want to." She has plenty of motivation to take action - on her own - no matter what I do or don't do for her. She complains of a lack of money, yet that is not a motivation for her to keep a job. She complains about a lack of friends, yet that is not a motivation for her to treat others better. She complains about the kids' behavior - yet that is not a motivator for her to be more present for them. If she is faced with a real threat (such as getting arrested or a partner breaking up with her), she either temporarily changes or contemplates suicide, but the root cause and pattern remains.
Yes, if I am not around W will find her own food eventually. Hunger is a motivator. But it doesn't change the underlying problem of a lack of internal motivation to enact change - to not let herself get hungry in the first place. Her internal motivation is to find other people from whom she can borrow an identity.
I think this is an important insight, and I came to a very similar conclusion myself. On the one hand, I see it as a product of the victim mindset. Several times I've posted here that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless. She views life as something happening TO her. She thinks that others are abusing her and are the cause of her turmoil. It's a sort of learned helplessness which keeps her stuck. She lacks agency and purpose. She's basically just surviving, killing time.
On the other hand, I see a fundamental identity confusion. You mention "borrowing" an identity, and I've seen that happen with the pwBPD in my life. I think that deep down, she is genuinely confused about who she is. She doesn't really know what she wants, what she likes, what her hobbies are, what sort of life she wants to make for herself, let alone how to go about making things happen. Without a clear view of who she is, she's listless, directionless, goalless. Without the rigid structure and routines of grade school and high school imposed upon her, she became lost in college. She doesn't really have a "vision" for her life, except for unrealistic expectations for others to give her things and over-function for her. Maybe she'll glom onto something for a while if it seems fun--she'll declare herself an "influencer" or a "model"--but when she's not "discovered" right away, she gets frustrated. A core issue for her is unrealistic expectations, by the way . . . maybe related to black-and-white thinking, for example that influencers have an easy life and became millionnaires overnight.
One time I sat with the pwBPD in my life and suggested she complete a questionnaire that is supposed to match talents and interests to potential jobs. I said something like, "Just for fun, let's complete this survey to see what pops up. It's anonymous and there are no right or wrong answers, just answer the first thing that comes to mind." The questions were generic, like, Do you enjoy spending time outdoors? Do you like making things with your hands? Do you enjoy drawing? . . . and what was striking to me was that she seemed to have no clue. I practically had to coach her about her likes ("What do you mean you don't like drawing? You created an amazing painting for your room, I'd say that means you like drawing. Are you sure you like speaking in front of a crowd? You've told me many times that calling a stranger on the phone makes you anxious.") It was almost scary to me that she seemed so confused about her likes and dislikes . . . and maybe identity confusion is central to BPD. I mean, it must be terribly confusing to doubt who you are when it comes time to pick a major, pursue a career, decide where to live, pursue a relationship with a romantic partner . . . wracked with self-doubt, she must be wondering all the time what she wants to do . . . and that would be paralyzing, no?
And yet, eventually she settles on the identity of VICTIM. She likes that one, because it explains how she feels constantly abused and bullied by life. It's also a convenient excuse (How can I possibly function at work if I have PTSD from my abusive family . . . they messed me up, they OWE me). She re-writes her entire life history to fit her victim narrative. Then it's OK to treat people poorly, because she feels they deserve "punishment" for making her feel bad. And since she typically has one or two enablers in her life (i.e. fearful parents), she gets away with it. In fact, she embraces it, because the victim identity gets her all sorts of concessions and things she wants--money, housing, transportation, etc. Does that sound about right?
Then I start to feel sorry for her, because I feel like my personality is the complete opposite. I feel like I know exactly what I want, even if it's unconventional. I'm generally optimistic--and I bet on myself all the time. By that I mean, I set a goal and I pursue it with unwavering self-belief, and I'll invest time and resources to make it happen. A small example of this is learning a new language . . . I've studied a little bit each day for around three years now. Other examples are starting a business, moving abroad, pursuing challenging career goals, etc., all which take vision, patience and perseverance. Anyway, my point is, all this arises out of deep-seated internal motivation, and I pull from that resource all the time to persevere when things get tough (which always happens). But if a pwBPD doesn't have that vision and deep-seated motivation, then what sort of life will they create for themselves? I guess a chaotic and not very fulfilling one. And maybe since they don't have a vision, they're just focussed on getting through, day to day. It's about surviving, not really thriving. Make sense?
