holding onto the last threads

[DesertDreamer]

Hi all,
It's been almost three months now since I separated from my pwBPD. It hasn't been easy; actually it's only gotten harder. This is sort of a brain dump, so I can see my own muddled thoughts a little more clearly, and get any reflection y'all might think is helpful.

At the beginning of the break up, I thought we could stay friends, or stay in each other's lives in a friendly way (I have this relationship with a couple of exes, as is sorta common for lesbians). But as time has gone on, she seems to pull on any thread in common between us. Friends and family say she's using control and manipulation. Every conversation we have, she accuses me of doing just the things I feel her to be doing. Even after separating, I still find her communication to be extremely confusing, miserable, and upsetting. As someone on this forum said, I try to remind myself that I just don't want to feel like this. Huge motivation.

We met yesterday to discuss some divorce details and it went horribly. Though I've already spent countless hours trying to give her my reasons for wanting and needing to break up, and though I take great pain to do that with as much care and clarity as I can, she always says that I just walked out and didn't even tell her why, still haven't now. Has anyone else experienced this? I guess it leads me to wanting to defend myself, to show that I'm responsible and caring, but we know that leads nowhere.

Amyway, this has been immensely painful, in a way I never fathomed. I feel pretty panicked and hopeless, every day. I don't doubt my choice, but now I see that for at least a while, I need to go no contact, no matter the repercussions. Talking with her results in mistreatment, belittling, bullying, all sorts of unimaginable behavior. I can't do it. I wish I'd been a little more prepared, but if you'd told me at the beginning that I'd need to cut off contact, I don't know that I would've been able to start the process. I'm more heartbroken than I've ever been.

[hotchip]

It sounds like your mind knows what needs to happen but your heart and emotions don't. When you're in a committed relationship, you love and trust the other person. You do this every day, it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. It's a physical process as much as a mental one, and it is self reinforcing. As time goes by, new habits will form and it will be less painful. I feel for you. No contact sounds like the right decision and it will hopefully accelerate the process.

[hotchip]

Re has anyone else experienced a desire to explain, justify, defend yourself - yes, yes, oh, yes. It's incredibly destabilising and painful to exist on a different plane of reality from someone you used to trust and love. Sadly, you cannot force someone else to be accountable to reality when their lack of accountability is the reason you are unable to be in the relationship. Your healing can't depend on her validation.

[wantmorepeace]

Remembering the advice not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) has been so helpful to me.  It's hard to do but pays off.