What's the use of calling it abuse?

[hotchip]

For people who know me, it's quite obvious that in many situations, the opinion I have about what should happen is very clear. And maybe that might be experienced as compulsion for some people. For example, there was a situation when uBPDx was going to borrow money from his sister that I believed had been acquired through unethical means, and I said that I thought this was unethical, but it was his choice whether to take it (in the end, he did not). Maybe this was experienced as control and isolation?

[hotchip]

The correct answer to all of this is, 'who cares?' I am not perfect, but even if I have done something bad, uBPDx is simply not a reliable narrator. His thinking is distorted and impossible and cannot be used to deduce the reality of what has happened. My focus should be on stabilising myself so I am not caught in these swirls of delusion, as NotWendy says.

[hotchip]

He actually made a direct threat, saying, 'if you tell me to leave, i'm going to tell everyone that you've been controlling me'. !!!!

[Notwendy]

This may be about your own boundaries. Boundaries are about knowing what is us, what isn't us. I think for some of us who are empathetic, we do consider what others say about us, but some people are disordered.

Borderline is named for being on the border of what was known as neurosis and psychosis. Someone who is fully psychotic is more obvious, but for pwBPD- feelings can feel like facts. So if they feel something - they may in the moment believe it's true, even if it's not true.

I know someone who sadly aquired schitzophrenia. If she says something like a person is shooting radio waves at her, I know that isn't true, and her saying it doesn't make it true. But when someone with BPD makes a false accusation or statement, it could be just as false, but not sound as obvious. What can help here is a stronger boundary- what is true about you, and what isn't.

If your ex called you a pink elephant, would you be ruminating over it, wondering if perhaps you did something or didn't do and you might be one? No, you are certain you aren't an elephant. You wouldn't be wondering.

Now, substitute "pink elephant" for the accusation of keeping him from his friends. You know that neither of these statements are true. You don't need to give them any more thought or defend them.

In my own experience, when I realized my BPD mother could say things that weren't true, I was shocked. In my own mind mothers don't do this. Why she did, I don't know but if she thought something, it seemed real to her.

If I could step out of my emotions, I could see where I could do or say something and she'd experience it in a completely different way. One example was when she was getting some construction work done in her basement. I had just had some work done in my house and had cleaned up the construction dust from it. I casually mentioned that she might want to cover a bookshelf in the basement as it would be a lot to clean up.  I didn't mean literally- she is a short person- she'd have to ask the workmen to do it but that wasn't how it came out or how she heard it.

What she heard was that I ordered her to climb up a bookshelf, which was not feasable or safe for her. I would not ever have even thought that. This resulted in her getting upset with me, and accusing me of telling her to do that.

You probably never even thought about keeping your partner from his friends but if he thought it, he believed it, even if you did nothing of the sorts. This is disordered thinking. We can't control that. What you need to keep a hold of is your own reality. It's not true and him saying it isn't true.

Sometimes we just can't ever know what someone else is thinking but we can decide for ourselves if it's true or not.

[hotchip]

Thank you, NotWendy.

Like you, I grew up with an unstable mother who, among other things, semi-regularly threatened to murder-suicide me and accused me of causing her death (this was when I was a small child, and my mother is still alive).

Over the years, I have learned to not treat statements she makes as reality, and in fact I've been NC for several years, after she falsely claimed my father was suicidal.

It breaks my heart to see another person who I thought I loved become detached from reality like this, but it is what has happened.

I am not a pink elephant and the things uBPDx are saying are not true. 

[hotchip]

A really funny thing my mother used to do was accuse me of putting her in a nursing home and it was like, 'i'm five years old, and you're not in a nursing home.'

[Notwendy]

There is a connection between our family of origin dynamics and who we form a romantic relationship with. It's an emotional, subconscious thing. You might want to look into this through counseling. Your doing this may help you identify this dynamic so you can avoid it in the future.

As children, we want our mothers to love us. We are also magical thinkers, and also believe what our mothers tell us. You know now that what she said about being put in a nursing home was absurd, but you probably could not process that as a child.

This may be why you tended to take your ex's accusations to heart and to try harder in that relationship, rather than to recognize that this was disordered thinking, on an emotional level. There's a familiarity to that for you. You will be more aware now.

[ForeverDad]

If we had a Fault Scale to measure the proportional amount of "fault", and if you honestly consider the fault you shoulder, you'd have to conclude - if you can weigh the facts - the disordered person would have the lion's share.  Yet, contrary to the reality, we've been indoctrinated the opposite due to the years and relentless intensity of "It's All Your Fault!"

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

[PeteWitsend]

A really funny thing my mother used to do was accuse me of putting her in a nursing home and it was like, 'i'm five years old, and you're not in a nursing home.'

if you can recognize how absurd her behavior was, you should be able to do the same with your Ex.  His claims - e.g. denying he asked you to move out when you have the texts of him doing just that - are essentially as ridiculous as your mom's were. 

I think Notwendy is right in seeking counseling for these issues.  I think counseling can be helpful to identify these "blind spots" in our thinking.  If you know they're there, you won't get so tripped up, or triggered when you encounter them, so to speak. 

Like running into your ex-... the guy sounds like a real piece of work, and you shouldn't be surprised he'd openly lie to you.  Knowing that, you can mentally put some guard rails around the things he says and does. 

It also sounds to me like you might have an unhealthy attraction to him still and that's clouding your judgment. 

[hotchip]

also sounds to me like you might have an unhealthy attraction to him still and that's clouding your judgment.

PeteWisend, where are you picking that up? I don't think I experience any desire for a resumption of the relationship or physical intimacy.

I do, though, experience an ongoing sense of care and identification. I am sad to see him, well, unwell to the point of being crazy, and my initial response is still, against all evidence, 'is this true' rather than ignoring his allegations.

Counselling for specific things like codependency is pretty expensive, but theres a free online option i plan to attend next week.

[TelHill]

I do, though, experience an ongoing sense of care and identification. I am sad to see him, well, unwell to the point of being crazy, and my initial response is still, against all evidence, 'is this true' rather than ignoring his allegations.

Counselling for specific things like codependency is pretty expensive, but theres a free online option i plan to attend next week.

hotchip,

A pwBPD's intense emotions and distortion of reality can cause a  normal friend or family member to doubt reality. It's happened to all of us. It takes a lot of strength and fortitude to step back from it and distance ourselves.  Having your mother threaten you as a child is scary. I think trying to appease your mother is a very normal reaction to try make her stop and control the situation to stay safe.

 I've overcompensated by people pleasing and putting someone else's wants first to stop problems and restore peace. My late mother was dBPD and raged at me for being a less than ideal child. I tried to be better but it was never good enough. I'd be in tears and frustrated not knowing what to do to be better to avoid her rage. I thought I was a very nice and pleasant child.

I suffer from codependency as a result of my childhood. There is a free 12 step program called Codependents Anonymous which has online and in person meetings. I've been to meetings and found them helpful.

While you're healing, you may want to avoid places where you'd run into your ex. If you do, keep conversations short and polite avoiding anything personal. You might want to avoid this friend group where your ex is smearing you to. It's too much pressure to wonder if they believe you or him. They may not be healthy if they don't see your ex as disordered.