so tired of the split

[Karmakat23]

My 35yr old has BPD, I think. She had my grandson 3 years ago. I was her person,helped her and took care of him. Than i wasn't. She split my family, no showed at Christmas and two days later slapped me with a restraining order claiming domestic violence.  She spent the next 9 months filing fraudulent restraining orders against me a d my husband to obtain housing vouchers. All of the restraining orders were thrown out. I have not seen her or my grandson for almost two years now. I'm heart broken, and struggling in ways I never thought possible. I did not mention the long 20 year history of suicide attempts,  rescuing her from different states which all came with some dramatic story. This last time was it for me, mentally I can't do it anymore.  Than my mother, my daughters enabler told me today that she planned to have my daughter around again and I would have to accept it. I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much. Not sure what to do but I like I'm going 10 steps back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Karmakat23
Thank you for posting. I am going through a very rough patch myself at the moment and your post reminded me that there are others who are in a similar situation – exhausted from years of crises and supporting, ‘being there’ when no one else was – and then being the one who is blamed and lied about while all this support is taken for granted.

Perhaps you are not gong 10 steps back. Perhaps it’s a fork in the road. Someone with BPD has a fragile sense of self – but when you are the person who supports them, you tend to lose your own self in their needs and crises. Along the journey we are given many options, and I know that I have tended to always choose to support my BPD child, and especially when the next generation child comes on the scene.

You are not in a situation of options from what I read. Your DD has cut off contact, has denied you access to your grandchild. Now your mother says you ‘have to accept’ her decision in relation to your DD.

We feel so devastated and devalued when all this happens. It is hard to carry the pain of it all. But it is also an opportunity. I may be wrong but I feel my DD has, in the past, been somewhat empowered by my pain – a pain she has caused. When I realised this I taught myself to stop myself from falling into depression etc but to see it as an opportunity to nurture and find myself that had been submerged in responding to my DD’s needs.

I am not expressing myself very well. I think what I am trying to say is that you have given now for decades – you have been selfless and loving, and without any gratitude or recognition.

I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much.

I think yes, listen to  your feelings and your insight. You have the right to grieve, but you also have the right to acknowledge to yourself all that you have done. Sometimes it is a good idea to write all these things down and read them to yourself when you are feeling low. It is a way of remembering that you have done all that is possible to do and you have loved your child in every way possible.

If you can spend a short time each day just appreciating yourself and the gift of your life I think it is helpful.

Thanks again for posting.

[js friend]

Hi karmakat23

Iam 5 years estranged from my udd and my 3 grandchildren. My mother also maintains contact with my udd and has also been her enabler often siding  with her against me although she has  also been a victim of udd's verbal abuse. Through my udd's most difficult years my mother often blamed ME for the things udd did rather than challenge her behaviour which I believe was out of fear of udd's response.

I think that this is the perfect time for you to step back and work on yourself and your mental health. When I was  first estranged from my gc it was really difficult and my eldest gc 2yo at the time cried and cried when they saw me again....but then it happened again.....and again and of course udd was defended while I was the one to blame. I was just expected to just get over it and told to go to my GP and get something for it( Anti-Depressants) as she didnt want to listen to any of my concerns about missing my GC or udds behaviour and how it was affecting my mental health. If I could go back I would definitely have sought out some therapy which I think is something of benefit that you to consider.

I leave them to it now and  it has become easier over the years to let go because the more I hear about dysfuctional famillies the more I dont feel alone. I now LC or NC is ok if it benefits you and is not being used to punish anyone. I now feel that it is  ok to do what I to do to for my own personal health and happiness.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this and so many others here have the same story. 

For me, it was my BPD ex-wife leaving me and turning my non-BPD daughter against me in the process.  Luckily, we rekindled our relationship a few years later, but it completely broke me when I couldn't see my grandchild due to my ex's words and actions.  It's a terrible pain and it was very difficult to overcome.

For your situation, why does this have to be an either/or type of scenario?  Couldn't your mom have a relationship with your daughter while you don't?  That may seem too complicated today, but hopefully things will work themselves out in time. 

Or do you live with your mother?  Maybe that's why it's so tough.

In any case, you must do what's best for you and your mental health.  While the goal should be a relationship with your daughter and your grandson, there has to be healthy boundaries in place so you're not accepting abuse or being the eternal rescuer.  Your mom has to accept that as well- mom can do whatever mom wants to do, but she also has to respect you while doing it.

It's so tough because we want to love, provide, and rescue our kids.  But with BPD, that love can quickly turn into enablement, manipulation, and abuse.  Hopefully you're learning not to take it so personally- this is not a "you problem" as much as it is a mental health problem and disordered thinking.