The unfortunate trap of "Well BPDs love to cling to Narcissists!" (Autism)

[PeteWitsend]

... And her side of the family, well they just say stop being angry and forget about it, because that is the dynamic of that family. Their excuse, well they are adults. They won’t say anything because they are scared they will push her away and she will avoid them, because that is what she does, she can’t own her actions she either avoids them or blames someone else and denies it.

So they walk on eggshells around her, just as I did when I was in the relationship with her. Just like they have done with her cousin, but it hasn’t worked with him, and it won’t work with her.

It's a tough decision for sure, when your biggest support network is your family community & village, and they enable it. 

And these days, at least here in the States, the larger society you used to be able to flee to and re-establish yourself in is so predatory and exploitative that there's not an easy out.  Most 20-somethings can't just go get a job in the city, afford their own apartment and car (b/c you need the latter in most of the country to get around and go to work). 

[PeteWitsend]

...

While you say you would have appreciated family saying something sooner about it and being supportive in that decision, my experience was different. BPD mother threatened divorce frequently. It scared me as a child. By the time we were teens, having seen the dynamics, the issues, and heard her say this- we thought "then just do it already". Truly, if that would have been the issue and she would be happier, then just do it. We all know now that this wasn't the problem, it was her own internal distress being projected, but we didn't then.

...

Well, my daughter was relatively young when we got divorced; we fought around her, for sure (BPDxw had no qualms about exploding in front of family), but divorce didn't really come up in such instances.  Later in our marriage, as between her and I, BPDxw would threaten it as a bully move to end arguments.  For example, I'd say "My parents want to come visit for a weekend" and she'd pick a fight over that request and then say if I didn't like it, I should just divorce her. 

I don't know what her thinking was; I said to her a few times "If the only option you're giving me is divorce, what do you think is going to happen?"  That would enrage her more.  She didn't actually want divorce, and when I had moved out and filed, she begged me to reconsider and said she couldn't believe it was really happening.  I guess when making those threats, she felt like I wouldn't actually do it, or she could prevent it by seizing all our assets so I couldn't hire an attorney (which she did try to do on the eve of our final split).  Or maybe it just seemed to be not a "final" break.  In her own country her parents were divorced, but had done so only to shield assets from the people her father owed money to, and they still lived together (and fought constantly). 

I assume your mom felt the same way when threatening divorce: it was just another step up the escalation ladder, and not a real thing that could happen to her.  The fallout from it, the fear it provoked in her family, was not something she was concerned about, and maybe even would approve of, since fear meant it was an effective threat.

When I say I wish other people had been more supportive of a move to divorce, I'm thinking of a few occasions earlier in our marriage when family members saw her blow up and suggested to me that I should consider my outs; that our marriage might not work.  I did speak to a friend-of-a-friend who is an attorney, and he said she would "take me to the cleaners" which was nonsense (I've since learned he is not a very competent attorney).  So I felt like divorce wasn't an option at the time, or would be so ruinous that trying to make it work despite feeling in my gut that it was futile, was the better outcome.  I wish family members could've directed me to formally go speak with an actual family law attorney & given me some practical guidance on how I could manage it.  I think, if my daughter is ever in my same shoes, I'd be more proactive with her, so she knows how divorce works, and that she can count on me for support if she needs to leave someone.

[CC43]

Well, my daughter was relatively young when we got divorced; we fought around her, for sure (BPDxw had no qualms about exploding in front of family), but divorce didn't really come up in such instances.  Later in our marriage, as between her and I, BPDxw would threaten it as a bully move to end arguments.  For example, I'd say "My parents want to come visit for a weekend" and she'd pick a fight over that request and then say if I didn't like it, I should just divorce her. 

Indeed this is what I call "nuclear" escalation.  And you're right--it's a bully move.  Since the pwBPD in my life is a stepdaughter and not a spouse, she'd threaten suicide, not divorce, to get her way.  But I think it's the same sort of thing--a dire threat.  Maybe the threat is sometimes a bluff, sometimes a wish fulfillment, and sometimes serious.  I think in practice, it can be a mix of all these things, depending on the mood of the moment.  Maybe she's capable of following through, and maybe she's not.  I'd say if she's highly dysfunctional, actually following through a multi-step process like a divorce--hiring an attorney, finding somewhere else to live, actually moving out and living on her own--might seem implausible or impossible for some.  In other words, the practical realities of planning and execution might get in her way, because she's simply too reliant on others for day-to-day functioning.  But not all pwBPD are dysfunctional.

To get back to the spirit of the original poster's question, of whether some people seem predisposed to attract pwBPD, and are they more inclined to tolerate bullying and abuse more than others?  I just don't know if there's a personality type that is predisposed to that.  But I definitely think that pwBPD can "mask" their bullying tendencies when they want to, for example when they're in the beginning of a romantic relationship.  I'd say the masking isn't "intentional" or malevolent, but rather related to the general bliss of falling in love at first, with an emphasis on FALLING--a sudden, intense and almost carefree state.  I could see that many people would adore falling in love, succumbing to the most powerful force in the universe.  Yet for me, I think I wouldn't want to completely "lose myself" (lose control), just for love.  I guess for me, love is less about falling and more about growing.  I see love as starting out small, and with nurturing and care, growing into something bigger.  Maybe I'm just wired that way.

Finally, when it comes for tolerance of bullying and abuse, I think the question might hinge on options.  Some people might feel trapped (i.e. without options)--because of religious beliefs, financial constraints, age, love, employment situation, social status, kids, whatever.  But I happen to think that mindset is also important.  A "scarcity" mindset is sort of a fear-based mindset that resources like money, time, love, success are limited and fixed.  I think that many people who grew up amid scarcity tend to have a scarcity mindset.  But a "growth" mindset is basically the opposite, based on confidence.  I think that having a growth mindset creates options, and with more choices, there's typically a path to something better, whatever that might look like.

Wow I'm rambling today.