What to say to kids 8 and 10

[cleotokos]

Kids are at an age where they can tell when things are off. We fight when they're at school or over text so they don't see much. However they know their dad yells at them sometimes and have expressed how it makes them feel. He is refusing to do things he agreed on ie. appliance arriving tomorrow, now I will have to try to install it myself. How do I explain to these kids why I'm doing this and he's not helping? It's the kind of thing he always does and they will be confused. I don't want to negatively influence their opinion of him, I also don't like feeling like I'm hiding his behavior from them. Feels like I'm protecting him somewhat which feels very unfair. If I say he yelled at me I feel they will side with me because they have experienced it. It would not give me satisfaction, I would hate this for them. Seriously considering divorce at this point, it is quite bad. So they will have questions about that. I don't know how to explain any of this to them but I can't protect them forever.

[ForeverDad]

It is important to communicate with children at an age-appropriate level.  There are several cautions for doing so.

Imagine if you share "BPD" or other specific terms.  It is almost a given that at some point that anyone - whether adult or child - might repeat it to the disordered parent.  And you can guess how that would be received.  And a child may not be able to weather the response.

Mental illness is hard for even us adults to comprehend.  That sort of non-logical behavior just doesn't make common sense.  So children will do better with examples familiar within their frame of reference.

Nearly two decades ago there was a booklet written that was written for minor children, using simple terms, examples and ways to deal with persons prone to periods of poor behavior.  It is listed on our Books board and the booklet is named An Umbrella for Alex.  It is well suited for a parent or therapist to cover and discuss the material.  The story reassures affected children that they did not cause nor are responsible for a disordered parent’s volatile behavior.

There may be other resources for children but this is one I recall.

[cleotokos]

Thank you ForeverDad. The book sounds helpful, does it mention BPD? We don't have any diagnosis, I'm sure it would be helpful regardless. Lately I have really seen how his behavior affects them. He can be fine for long periods, and it gets bad when he smokes marijuana. He will go months not touching it, and things are great, and months using it, where he becomes short tempered, entitled, manipulative and arrogant. Honestly I've come to realize what a low standard I've been having for "things are great", it's really not that great and there is still emotional abuse.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you ForeverDad. The book sounds helpful, does it mention BPD? We don't have any diagnosis, I'm sure it would be helpful regardless. Lately I have really seen how his behavior affects them. He can be fine for long periods, and it gets bad when he smokes marijuana. He will go months not touching it, and things are great, and months using it, where he becomes short tempered, entitled, manipulative and arrogant. Honestly I've come to realize what a low standard I've been having for "things are great", it's really not that great and there is still emotional abuse.

I went through a lot of this.

In my case, the advice I received (I feel like I'm sharing this a lot lately) was to validate a child's feelings and perception, but not to badmouth the other parent.  And, this is important, to help them realize they can have their own thoughts and feelings separately from mom or dad (whoever is BPD).  It can be difficult sometimes, because pwBPD just do not do themselves any favors in terms of how they behave toward those closest to them.  I think it's okay to say how someone behaved is inappropriate, but you don't have to go as far as labeling them something.  I think that might be one rule: criticize the parent's behavior, but not the parent (at least not yet).

In time, as they get older, they might ask for more information, as they see how other adults behave and realize how out-of-line the BPD parent is. 

[cleotokos]

Thank you PeteWitsend. I do validate when I can, ie. if their dad has yelled at them or snapped at them in anger I agree daddy should not act like that and it’s not the right way to treat someone. Of course he would view this as betrayal, and some part of me feels guilty.

A day like today is difficult. He has been in a snit for days (leading up to Mother’s Day, no coincidence). So all our plans for today have a negative cast to them. I am good at never letting him ruin my good time, I just want to spend the day with my beautiful children. He can choose to join us or not. What do I say though when the kids ask me why he didn’t come? In the past I’ve said things like “I think daddy isn’t feeling well”. I feel like I’m stuck either covering for him, or throwing him under the bus. I don’t know the right way to answer their questions.

[Notwendy]

PwBPD just do not do themselves any favors in terms of how they behave toward those closest to them. 

I don't have advice but perhaps my perspective can help. This is what my own situation was, growing up with a BPD mother. We did a lot of things alone with my father. That was actually OK. I later realized that when Dad was alone, he was more himself, relaxed, not walking on eggshells. When we were all together, BPD mother's moods and feelings dominated. Dad was more stressed, actually we all were.

One thing I think that didn't help was that BPD mother's behaviors were "normalized". I think my father also wanted to try to preserve the relationship, and would say things like "of course your mother loves you" and maybe that was true but her behavior didn't always reflect that. You don't want your kids to think that love means accepting hurtful behavior, as this could predispose them to accepting behavior like this in their future relationships.

This also includes you. They look at your actions. If you tolerate that, they see it. You and their father are role modeling behavior. So if they think their father's behavior isn't acceptable- then they will learn that too.

If they are asking questions, it may help to have a counselor get involved to avoid triangulating and to allow them to share their feelings without the fear they shouldn't. As kids, we learn it's not acceptable to have negative feelings towards a parent, and so there's some guilt and shame for feeling them. However, people don't like being yelled at, or being disappointed, with anyone.

BPD affects all relationships. Your H is responsible for his relationship with the kids. If his behavior impacts that, it's his doing.

Go out and have a good time with your kids. These outings with Dad are some of my best childhood memories, in a childhood that also had some difficult ones. If their father doesn't come along, maybe for the better if he's going to put a damper on the occasion. That's his doing, not yours. If they ask, simply say, Dad couldn't come, but we can have a great time.

[Pook075]

A day like today is difficult. He has been in a snit for days (leading up to Mother’s Day, no coincidence). So all our plans for today have a negative cast to them. I am good at never letting him ruin my good time, I just want to spend the day with my beautiful children. He can choose to join us or not. What do I say though when the kids ask me why he didn’t come? In the past I’ve said things like “I think daddy isn’t feeling well”. I feel like I’m stuck either covering for him, or throwing him under the bus. I don’t know the right way to answer their questions.

Saying "dad isn't feeling well" is fair- it's a true statement without getting into it further.  And younger kids can understand not feeling good as well.  To me, that's not "covering for him" or "throwing under the bus"...it's just the easiest way to state a really complicated topic.

If you say something like, "Dad is busy with other things," when he's not actually doing anything, the kids will see that and pick up on it.  So you don't want to lie and you don't want to give any more detail than you have to. 

If you decide to separate, then that's a different conversation entirely.  But you can tackle that if you get to that point.