Should I stay or should I go?

[Schmem_25]

Hello!

It's been a long time since my last check-in. I've gone NC with my uBPD mom, which started last August. It's been a very good change for me, though not without grief, shame and fear of the future. I have a family event coming up in support of my brother. I don't talk to him often, but the event is significant enough for him that my instinct is to support him by going. Most of my siblings will likely go, including my mom. Do I go and ignore her? Do I go, give her a quick hug (pretend like everything is fine in that quick moment) and then ignore her the rest of the time? I do not want the nature of our relationship to change. I do not want to address why I went NC. Do I decide not to go and support my brother from afar to avoid her? The thought of being in her presence at all fills me with severe dread and anxiety. Though I am the only sibling who has gone NC, my brother will likely understand why I would not want to go, though he may be a bit hurt. I am just thinking about all the future events whereby I will have to navigate this same scenario, and it feels impossible.

What have others done in this situation? Thank you for any thoughts you have 

[zachira]

As you are the only sibling to have gone NC with your mother, it might be wise to first see your siblings in another venue without your mother. It would be a good idea to get an idea if your siblings are going to side with your mother which could make the special event with your brother very uncomfortable for nearly everyone there. If you are willing to tolerate the ambiguity of now knowing what is going to happen, then by all means go.

I went NC with my sibling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). My large extended family mostly sided with her. I did choose to go to the Celebration of Life of a close relative. I went because I really wanted to be there. I could not have anticipated how many flying monkeys would side with my sister. I was able to socialize with some of the relatives of my cousins who treated me well. Is there anybody you can be with at the event if you are treated badly by most of the family?

As far as your mother goes, do you think she will insist on interacting with you? Would it make sense just to pretend you are okay with her, only when you have to be at the same event she is at? Would you be able to keep the interaction brief or would your mother likely make a scene?