Should I stay or should I go?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello!

It's been a long time since my last check-in. I've gone NC with my uBPD mom, which started last August. It's been a very good change for me, though not without grief, shame and fear of the future. I have a family event coming up in support of my brother. I don't talk to him often, but the event is significant enough for him that my instinct is to support him by going. Most of my siblings will likely go, including my mom. Do I go and ignore her? Do I go, give her a quick hug (pretend like everything is fine in that quick moment) and then ignore her the rest of the time? I do not want the nature of our relationship to change. I do not want to address why I went NC. Do I decide not to go and support my brother from afar to avoid her? The thought of being in her presence at all fills me with severe dread and anxiety. Though I am the only sibling who has gone NC, my brother will likely understand why I would not want to go, though he may be a bit hurt. I am just thinking about all the future events whereby I will have to navigate this same scenario, and it feels impossible.

What have others done in this situation? Thank you for any thoughts you have 

[Schmem_25]

Hello!

It's been a long time since my last check-in. I've gone NC with my uBPD mom, which started last August. It's been a very good change for me, though not without grief, shame and fear of the future. I have a family event coming up in support of my brother. I don't talk to him often, but the event is significant enough for him that my instinct is to support him by going. Most of my siblings will likely go, including my mom. Do I go and ignore her? Do I go, give her a quick hug (pretend like everything is fine in that quick moment) and then ignore her the rest of the time? I do not want the nature of our relationship to change. I do not want to address why I went NC. Do I decide not to go and support my brother from afar to avoid her? The thought of being in her presence at all fills me with severe dread and anxiety. Though I am the only sibling who has gone NC, my brother will likely understand why I would not want to go, though he may be a bit hurt. I am just thinking about all the future events whereby I will have to navigate this same scenario, and it feels impossible.

What have others done in this situation? Thank you for any thoughts you have 

[zachira]

As you are the only sibling to have gone NC with your mother, it might be wise to first see your siblings in another venue without your mother. It would be a good idea to get an idea if your siblings are going to side with your mother which could make the special event with your brother very uncomfortable for nearly everyone there. If you are willing to tolerate the ambiguity of now knowing what is going to happen, then by all means go.

I went NC with my sibling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). My large extended family mostly sided with her. I did choose to go to the Celebration of Life of a close relative. I went because I really wanted to be there. I could not have anticipated how many flying monkeys would side with my sister. I was able to socialize with some of the relatives of my cousins who treated me well. Is there anybody you can be with at the event if you are treated badly by most of the family?

As far as your mother goes, do you think she will insist on interacting with you? Would it make sense just to pretend you are okay with her, only when you have to be at the same event she is at? Would you be able to keep the interaction brief or would your mother likely make a scene?

 

[Notwendy]

I think this is one of the complications of going NC. Does going NC require avoiding other family members or events?

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. It's what you think you can manage. NC, and how long to keep NC, is a personal decision, as is what family events to go to.

I did not go NC with my BPD mother, for several reasons but one of them was that, other family members were connected to her and I still wanted a relationship with them. LC was the choice I could manage better.

LC isn't only about frequency of contact. It's also the emotional content of the contact, choosing what to share, what not to share, and avoiding emotionally charged exchanges.

#1 decision is- can you hold it together at this event, no matter what your mother does? It could go either way with her. For my BPD mother, she was more inclined to hold it together in front of extended family and friends at an event. PwBPD may also act up, escalate, during big events but she was more likely to do this when it was just with me or immediate family.

If it were me, and I decided to go, I would give her a hug and act as if all is normal. I would not want to get into anything at a family event, and also I would want to keep the event focused on your brother. I would also make sure I was not alone with her, so there's no opportunity to get into a discussion and so you can feel emotionally safer. Keep someone with you at all times, even if you are going to the ladies' room- find a cousin or friend to go with you.

Have a way to get to a safe place if something starts up. Shorten your visit if you attend, don't stay in the same place as your mother does.

If seeing your mother will be too traumatic for you,then don't attend. Your emotional well being is priority here.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Based on the tone of your post, I'd say you want to support your sibling and you should try to do that.  Now, you can't control what your mom does, but if you think she wants the same as you (i.e. to support your sibling), then it's possible that she could keep her act together to achieve that goal.  You're right, getting into the various reasons for going no-contact isn't appropriate at a family event like the one you describe . . . and my hope would be that everyone would decide to be the "bigger person" and put their differences aside for the duration of the event, while treating everyone with civility and respect.  If you think that's possible, then I'd say, you go support your sibling.

Other possibilities here would be to talk to your sibling, and say something like, "I really want to support you at your big event, but I'm fearful that issues between me and Mom could detract from that.  I'm prepared to do whatever you think is best."  Maybe that means, coming to the event and hanging close to a neutral person as a "buffer," or possibly "popping in" for a short visit to minimize direct contact with your Mom, or maybe (if there are seating assignments), working out with your brother a low-contact seating arrangement.  In the most dramatic case, maybe that means your brother understands that you're going to decline to participate in the big event, but that you show your support in another way, say at a side-event for the siblings only.  The big caveat here is whether your mom has enlisted your brother as an ally on "her" side, by inventing stories of victimization and ill treatment by you, creating a potentially toxic triangle.  If you think that's the case, then I wouldn't enter the triangle at all and wouldn't consult the brother about your concerns.

Notwendy brings up a good point, which is that some pwBPD can "hold themselves together" in front of people they want to impress.  If your mother is like that, and if the event is a situation where she wants to impress others, then I think you take the risk.  If she's like that, then I think you give her a quick hug, say "It's nice to see you," and then quickly re-focus the conversation on your sibling ("This is wonderful, I'm so happy for him.")  Then make a little excuse ("Oh, I've got to go say hello to cousin/I've got to freshen up, I'll catch up with you later") and then make your exit.

Look, I'm not sure how old you are, but when I was a young adult, there were times when I didn't contact my parents for weeks or months . . . not because I went LC, but just because I was busy and needed to break the "child" routine!  Initially, I'm sure my mom was "hurt" by that, because she really wanted ("needed") to talk to me every day, as she was somewhat emotionally clingy.  But eventually, we established a more "reasonable" amount of contact (for me at least), with a half-hour call, two or three times a month.  But before getting there, I had to break her of the habit of calling me all the time (e.g. at 7 am on Saturdays and during working hours).  That's a long-winded way of saying, I think that going NC or LC with parents in early adulthood is normal, because you have your adult life to live!  While not talking to your mom since August is a lengthy break, it's not unheard of, and it could be completely justified ("I've been really tied up with work and studies, I didn't realize it has been that long").  I guess that's why on these boards, when it comes to NC or LC, I generally recommend sending pwBPD a short greeting on critical days, such as Christmas or a birthday, just as a civil and kind gesture of acknowledgement, provided that you're feeling up for it.

I'll close with another idea for you regarding logistics.  I've found that when visiting with difficult family members, it's best if I arrange for my own hotel room and transportation.  I'll usually decline invitations from a host with a reply like, "You've already got a lot on your plate / I don't want to impose / I've got hotel points that are about to expire," etc.  If I have my own hotel room and car/Uber, then I'm not reliant on anyone else, and if I need space, I can take it.  By the same token, pwBPD tend to feel overwhelmed by the stress of events like the one you describe, so if they can retreat to their own quarters, without having to worry about YOUR meals/lodging/transportation, that takes some stress out of the situation.  I'd say, even though it's a little expensive, you go ahead and book your own hotel room and rental car.  Think of it as emotional insurance for a potentially stressful event.

Just my two cents.