Long time, same problems

[Ozzie101]

It’s been a long while since I last posted. I felt I needed a break and some things seemed to be getting better. But it’s rough again and I’m struggling to decide what to do about it.

Problem 1: My parents just moved from my hometown 45 minutes away to a new house about 2 miles from us. It’s had uBPDh in a spiral of anxiety. He’s convinced they’ll be coming by our house all the time or insisting on family dinners every week. This, even though they have never shown signs of this and have always respected space and boundaries. Not to mention they’re very active and have a lot of friends and family here. They’ll hardly rely on us for company.
Yesterday, he bumped into them at the grocery store. They all spoke to each other and I thought it sounded fine,” from his description. Later, he was dysregulated (and had been drinking, as I found out later) and went on and on about how they couldn’t get away from him fast enough and that my dad had “a look.”
My family is an ongoing issue. He wants to belong, but feels nervous and backs out of gatherings often. When he does go, I’ll hear about his anxiety for days before and if anything rubs him wrong, it will come up for years.
He’s convinced they don’t like him and I feel like there’s nothing I can really say or do, yet keep hearing it.

Problem 2: His mom. She’s a difficult woman. I get along with her fine, but she and uBPDh have a troubled relationship. She’s likely got some sort of OCD. She’s obsessive about people’s weight and brings it up constantly. But, there’s no one to help her with things other than uBPDh, as he’s an only child and she’s cut herself off from any friends.
For a while, it was fine, but now almost any time he talks to her he ends up in a horrible mood.
She lives 2.5 hours away, so we don’t see her much. She doesn’t drive on the highway anymore. But now she makes comments about my family living closer — passive-aggressive comments about seeing them more. Then uBPDh goes off on me about how my family is more important. I’ve told him for more than a year that we should spend Thanksgiving with her, yet he keeps saying “I know we’ll have yo do Thanksgiving here in the new house.” Drives me crazy. I’ve said the exact opposite.
Visiting her involves planning and a dog sitter, but I’m always willing and supportive. Truth is, he hates going and never wants to go, but when upset, he’ll pin it on me.

Problem 3: SS15, but that would be a post of its own.

I know all this is pretty typical projection, feelings = facts, etc. But I’m getting more than a little fed up.

It just all feels hopeless. My family isn’t going away anytime soon and I’m so tired of any get-together (he says it’s all the time, but there hasn’t been one since Christmas) or text (there’s a full family text string and my niece in college sends a lot about what she’s up to) triggering him.

[PeteWitsend]

Fights about my family were a major issue during my marriage to BPDxw and a trigger for the fight that more or less ended it (was really just the straw that broke the camel's back at that point... I was at my end). 

It seems like once they get this in them, it's almost too "good" of a source of drama and fighting for them to let go.

I think you should realize that the issues are entirely his own sense of inferiority and anxiety, and nothing you can say or do, nor anything your parents can say or do will address it.  So I think it's better to focus on what he feels like would make it easier for him to deal with...maybe better for him not to come to visits at their house?  Set the stage carefully so he can't later claim you didn't want him to come.  Same maybe with visits to his mom's house. 

Use phrases like "It's important to me that you come to as you are my husband, but if you'd rather stay home, I respect that and you can make that decision."

That might help reduce conflict a bit, although I'm sure he'll still be difficult about things.  But framing the options so they appear to be in control can help take the wind out of their sails when it comes to throwing a tantrum and blowing up about things.