Moments of clarity for the person with BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m wondering if anyone can identify.
Every so often (Once a year? Year and a half?) my wife will drop all her bpd traits.  It’s like she becomes a different person - her eyes are different, her voice is different, her speech patterns are different, she’s smiley and chatty and pleasant.  It’s like she’s broken out of a bubble and can see reality. I’ve tried to find language to describe it, and the closest thing that feels right is to say she seems “lucid.”  Sometimes these phases last a week, sometimes a couple of months.  99% of the time it corresponds with some kind of of med update or change - doesn’t matter which med or what kind of alteration.  But although the length of clarity varies, it always ends.
You would think these times would be great.  Enjoy them while they last!  She’s engaging, actually shows an interest in me and my thoughts.  But for me it’s the total opposite..  I am so unsettled, it’s unnerving, I don’t feel safe, I don’t know how to act.  I hate these phases.  In part I think I’ve learned how to navigate her disregulation, how to validate without wanting my side to be heard, how to handle projection, offense, triangulation, fear/obligation/guilt, to protect boundaries.  So when all of those things are gone, I have no idea how to act.  Who am I?  How do we engage now?
Also, I know these times never last.  I don’t want to start engaging like I would with a normal person and then get broadsided when things randomly snap back.
And anything I say during these times  will be remembered once she’s back in the bubble.  She might honestly and sincerely be interested in my thoughts and feelings, coax them out, even handle my response perfectly fine.  But then 3 weeks later if she’s back to being disregulated, she will remember the things I said 2 weeks earlier, but now through the lens of offense which I had felt safe from.  It’s like saying something perfectly fine to Sméagol, but if you do, Gollum is going to find out later.
All of this is feels horrible to live through.  Especially because she IS caring and concerned during these times of lucidity/clarity.  Her eyes are off herself.  Why are you so quiet? Why are you not talking? Why do you seem so down?  I am no more quiet or down than normal - she is just noticing for the first time. 
I don’t want to be protective during the rough patches and super up during the good times.  I desire stability, consistency, even/steady.  Whether she’s at a 2 or a 10, I want to hang out at a 7.5.  Which *feels* lousy when she’s at a 10 and I’m trying to maintain my 7.5.
I almost feel released the next time she snaps and projects on me.
Is this common? Rare? Super unhealthy? Anyone have advice on how to navigate the “good” times?

[AaZz]

I’m wondering if anyone can identify.
Every so often (Once a year? Year and a half?) my wife will drop all her bpd traits.  It’s like she becomes a different person - her eyes are different, her voice is different, her speech patterns are different, she’s smiley and chatty and pleasant.  It’s like she’s broken out of a bubble and can see reality. I’ve tried to find language to describe it, and the closest thing that feels right is to say she seems “lucid.”  Sometimes these phases last a week, sometimes a couple of months.  99% of the time it corresponds with some kind of of med update or change - doesn’t matter which med or what kind of alteration.  But although the length of clarity varies, it always ends.
You would think these times would be great.  Enjoy them while they last!  She’s engaging, actually shows an interest in me and my thoughts.  But for me it’s the total opposite..  I am so unsettled, it’s unnerving, I don’t feel safe, I don’t know how to act.  I hate these phases.  In part I think I’ve learned how to navigate her disregulation, how to validate without wanting my side to be heard, how to handle projection, offense, triangulation, fear/obligation/guilt, to protect boundaries.  So when all of those things are gone, I have no idea how to act.  Who am I?  How do we engage now?
Also, I know these times never last.  I don’t want to start engaging like I would with a normal person and then get broadsided when things randomly snap back.
And anything I say during these times  will be remembered once she’s back in the bubble.  She might honestly and sincerely be interested in my thoughts and feelings, coax them out, even handle my response perfectly fine.  But then 3 weeks later if she’s back to being disregulated, she will remember the things I said 2 weeks earlier, but now through the lens of offense which I had felt safe from.  It’s like saying something perfectly fine to Sméagol, but if you do, Gollum is going to find out later.
All of this is feels horrible to live through.  Especially because she IS caring and concerned during these times of lucidity/clarity.  Her eyes are off herself.  Why are you so quiet? Why are you not talking? Why do you seem so down?  I am no more quiet or down than normal - she is just noticing for the first time. 
I don’t want to be protective during the rough patches and super up during the good times.  I desire stability, consistency, even/steady.  Whether she’s at a 2 or a 10, I want to hang out at a 7.5.  Which *feels* lousy when she’s at a 10 and I’m trying to maintain my 7.5.
I almost feel released the next time she snaps and projects on me.
Is this common? Rare? Super unhealthy? Anyone have advice on how to navigate the “good” times?

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[Anonymous22]

Hi AaZz...I totally know how you feel!  My uBPDh's cycle has been 2ish weeks of being at a 2, then a couple of days of being at a 10...then back to the 2!  I feel like I have spent so many cycles longing for the 10 phase, and when it hit, believing that it would last, just for him to split to a 2 a couple of days later.  I used to notice myself loosening up, communicating more, being my true self, just to put up a thick wall a day or two later.  This has worn me out both physically and mentally.  You never know when either phase is going to hit, so you are "on edge" all the time.  Like you, I am trying to keep myself stable, and to teach the kids to stay stable, no matter his mood, but it isn't easy!  For me, its the not knowing when the switch, either direction, is going to happen, its so hard to organize life!  I wish I had a suggestion, I don't, but I do totally understand where you are coming from. 

[AaZz]

I feel like there is also a "let down" element going on.  Kind of like after times of prepping, prepping, prepping for an open house or a speaking engagement or some other event.  There is so much to do, do, do, that afterward there is kind of a depression even if everything went well.  Except in this case, it is the experience of being "on" for months or years at a time with no break, having to remember how to respond, how not to respond, how to validate, how to "listen through", how to not JADE, how to keep boundaries.  Then when these times of lucidity or clarity pop up and there is no need for any of that, with the relaxing comes a deep deflating and depression, an emotional let down - even though I'm being treated well for the first time, which should be great.
Also, with relaxing and letting go of all that "training," there comes a clarity on my part too: Wow, this is how things are supposed to be.  The 16 months since the last moment of lucidity have SUCKED.  I couldn't see that at the time in the middle of all the nonsense, but now that there's a break... it is tangible how crappy most of life is.  So even though I'm being treated kindly and respectfully in this new brief season, the weight of typical life hangs in heavy stark contrast.