Starting this Journey

[One-Eared Wonder]

Hello,

I found this message board while searching for "Welcome to Oz", I'm about 100 pages into Stop Walking on Eggshells and my mind has been blown wide open with how much my relationship mirrors that of someone living with a person with BPD.  I have my own issue with porn addiction and have been in recovery for 10+ years (ups and downs) and my spouse has always been able to use my addiction against me.  I have low self-esteem so I unknowingly fell further and further into her beratement over my problem.  The past 5 years I've sensed something was wrong.  There should be grace, foregiviness, and a desire to work on things.  Instead it's been in-house-separation for 2 years with her emotionally and verbally abusing me with my past mistakes.  I had a mental breakdown, fell into depression, and started floating suicidal thoughts.  Thankfully I've gotten help.  I'm on anti-depressants for 1.5 years, seeing a pyschiatrist, and working with a counselor.  Life for me individually has gotten much better.  Life with her is still bitter, distant, and painful. 

SWOE has helped me see that it's not just me, there's more to this story.  As I have prepped for a possible divorce and written out a relatinoship timeline I've seen that there's much more to this than I originally realized.  It's aligning so much with BPD and so many things are clicking into place.  My spouse has, since the start of our relationship, constantly asked me "do you love me?" and accused me of trying to cheat on her, talk to others, or even sleep with others, all without any evidence other than my porn addiction (I promise the extent of my addiction is nothing illegal and is only about medicating through anonymity via pixels on the screen).  I've felt so dumbfounded and confused, as if I'm trying to fight for who I am against my partner, rather than with her.

Muddying the waters is we've got 2 kids now, 7 and 5, and my spouse doesn't work.  We don't have enough money for a divorce, I don't want to leave my kids alone with her, and at the same time I feel like nothing will change unless she has a major shock to her system.

I don't know what to do, but I know I need to find community and speak up for myself.  Looking forward to dialogue here to help me figure things out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.