Partner shutting down whenever something serious comes up.

[GaelicDream]

Hi, so my partner and I have been together 8 years yesterday and I’ve known he had Bpd since we got together. He told me he was able to manage it. I didn’t know much about bpd and just assumed he was managing it. He’s been off and on pretty verbally abusive for the years but he will be fine for a bit and then if anything stressful happens it’s like a light switch and he will snap and everything is my fault. It usually gets blamed on me not bringing in enough money as I make less than him.

Well we have been back and forth over the years but this year he had cancer and our cat passed away at the same time and he really started to act better. I’ve been planning on leaving him a long time but stayed because our cat was sick and I didn’t want to lose him earlier to the stress of a sudden change like that. He passed in March and I thought now is the time to finally leave, but my partner started acting like a completely different person. He worked on managing his anger and stopped blaming me for everything. He even acknowledged he wouldn’t have survived many things without me.

Well our living situation got worse recently and we now have to look for somewhere to move to. My sister bought a home recently and she makes well under what he does. He’s always wanted to own a home and so have I but I have student loans and I don’t want that to affect home ownership. But I said I would get all the money down, closing etc and pay for all that but he would have to be on the mortgage himself which he is fine with. All the homes we are looking at are cheaper with the mortgage and after stuff than what we pay in rent. Our financial situation has always been him paying rent and utilities and I pay for everything else. Which maybe won’t seem fair but even on our rentals I’ve paid for all repairs as we don’t have maintenance that fixes anything. I’ve fixed tubs, roofs, flooring, paint, if something can go wrong with housing it has and I’ve paid and fixed it. In fact I’m the one who decorates and cleans and takes care of our cats, I take care of the vet bills and appointments. Basically I do everything else as my work is flexible and his isn’t. That was the trade off for me working less and bringing in less money. But every dime I make goes into our family or home.

I tell you this all because today our realtor added another home to go see and he completely flipped on me. Yelling he didn’t want to talk about houses anymore and he’s pissed because he has to handle all the financing for the house and he’s alone. I tried to tell him, and he knows this, I’m the one paying all the money and he’s just taking care of the mortgage after we move in. He was the one who wanted to go house hunting. He even drove by one he loved multiple times so I’m confused.

When I told him we don’t have to look at houses anymore, we don’t even have to buy one if we don’t want to and can stay where we are at even if it’s not great he screamed at me again saying we had no choice. And that he has to do everything alone. This man has done nothing alone. He has to pay rent alone and completely ignores all my financial contributions. I feel unless I paid everything he’d always say this. I genuinely don’t know what to do. He wants to move but won’t talk about the house hunt. And this has been common. When we have to talk about shared responsibilities or life decisions he shuts down, and them I’m left making a choice by myself and if that choice is wrong or goes poorly in the future I get blamed for it. I picked our apartment now because he wouldn’t look with me and it’s had problems and for 3 years I’ve had to hear about it constantly. He will go on and on about how his life is awful yet his best friend got laid off and he’s not stress. Heck his best friend is the one vetting houses with me since he won’t.  He has a good life but it’s not enough for him. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave?

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[GaelicDream]

I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked if I should leave. I didn’t see that it was something I shouldn’t have asked. I’m new to this forum. I love my partner and really just need some tips on dealing with him because I do see the awesome side when he’s emotionally regulated.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Based on your post, I think your partner is stressed out.  It may be that he's stressed by the idea of moving--because change is hard, especially for pwBPD.

Many people (not just pwBPD) have a tendency to value their own contributions, while they discount what others do.  I've seen this over and over again.  I just think that with BPD, this tendency is super-sized.  But if you were to present your partner with an accounting of all you contribute financially and through labor, my guess is that he would probably explode.  Why?  Because he might feel you "upstage" him, while you discount all that he does.  He might feel inadequate.  He might think you're accusing him of not providing enough.  Deep down, my guess is that he's extremely insecure.  To prop himself up, he's creating a narrative that he pays for EVERYTHING.  That's to bolster his confidence, even if it's based on a lie.  Perversely, he might be trying to put you down, in a misguided way to make himself feel better.  My guess is that he's tremendously insecure and needs some reassurance.

Here's another thing that might be going on.  Is this the first time he's bought a home?  The entire process can be overwhelming, with mortgages, house hunting, offers, inspection, moving, long-term commitments, etc.  Merely investigating the parameters of a mortgage (down payment? fixed or adjustable? 30 years? points? monthly payments? insurance? property taxes? closing costs? pre-approval? underwriting?) can feel confusing, like it's way too much.  Some people feel a lot of anxiety about the process, and they could feel "ashamed" for asking questions.  Maybe he's afraid of looking stupid, in front of you, a mortgage broker or a realtor.  So what does he do?  He lashes out at you.  In fact, he blames YOU for "causing" all this stress.  His coping mechanism is to blame you for everything:  he doesn't like the house you like.  You're forcing him into something he doesn't want.  Or it's your fault you haven't found something he likes yet.  But he hates the rental.  Bottom line, it's your fault.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, that's classic BPD:  blame-shifting and victim attitude.

How do YOU cope with all of this?  My general advice would be not to make any huge "investments" today, while he makes promises about future contributions, unless you're prepared to lose the investment, because he's liable to change his mind (or refuse to hold up his end of the deal, claiming there never was a deal in the first place).  My humble opinion is that if he wants something, he should have some "skin in the game," right alongside you.  I don't think it would necessarily have to be 50%/50%, but I think it should be meaningful.  Plus, he should make it happen WITH you.  You shouldn't be doing all the legwork, to ensure it's a true partnered endeavor.  If he can't compromise on anything, and all he does is complain, well, that right there might be a valid reason to stop the househunt.

So what I might suggest is that if you rent a place together, you both pay part of the rent.  If you do home improvements, you both pay a share of them.  When you do chores, you split them up.  Ideally you would swap chores every so often, so that you both "see" and "appreciate" the contributions made.  Importantly, if he doesn't have any money for a down payment on a home, my humble opinion is that maybe buying a house isn't in the cards for him right now.  I think people benefit by saving up gradually for a down payment first . . . because it's good practice for the financial sacrifice that comes with home ownership.  My humble opinion is that if he doesn't have any savings for a down payment yet, he's not ready for home ownership.  Moreover, if you take care of the down payment, he's liable to feel emasculated by you.  Then it feels more like "your" house, not his.  I'd say, wait until he can save up a meaningful part of the down payment, and then you pay it, together.

Just my two cents.  Hope that perspective might help a little, even if you disagree.