My BPD partner said they just don't love me the same way

[nyelator]

I want to start out by admitting I am not perfect and have made mistakes in the relationship. We have been broken up since December, and she has been living with my parents since then. She is diagnosed and is somewhat aware she needs help.

I have been stuck in this push-pull for a while where we might hook up, and then she gets mad at me afterward, or she is very flirty with me and then pulls it back. The whole time she will just say, "I don't want it," or, "I just don't feel the same way," when I ask why we can't try again.

The one time she did leave, she called me and said she loved me, and then walked it right back when she came back. There is a lot more that I won't have time to write today.

Pretty much, what can I do? I understand the "easier" path would be to have her leave and go no contact, but I would like to give it one more try because if she leaves, she is going to end up in another terrible situation. I know most of you guys are probably going to say to run and get out of it, but I am open to all positive and negative suggestions. I really want to try to make it work.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nyelator]

I am bumping this because I need help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3060772.0

This post was very similar honestly. Does anyone have any ideas on how I could communicate to her and not convince her to come back but find a way to have positive dialogue?

[ForeverDad]

Of course you're not perfect.  Neither am I.  Neither is anyone.  Yet there is a difference between people with BPD traits (pwBPD) and us... a certain level of distorted thinking - mental illness if you will - versus reasonably normal people.

My friend, you can't take this personally...it was never about you.  The good times were good.  The bad times should have passed quickly if your ex would have worked with you through them.  But that's the mental illness part...

A pattern we typically see is the other has an unreasonable perception of close relationships and so it starts with an idolization phase.  But like everything new, everyday reality sets in and life isn't as brilliant anymore and the other's moods and feelings overreact, going from extreme highs to dire lows.  It's an endless cycle of ups and downs.  Those extremes are not normal.

It can impact us too. Picture getting on a new roller coaster for the first time.  Rushing up and down the track is so exhilarating.  The first time.  But the second time is ever so slightly less.  And each additional ride gradually becomes a little more normal, little by little.  That's life.  Our reactions and impressions don't remain at the same highs as the first time.  That's how we are made.

Sometimes, too, we can become queasy on roller coasters with all the ups and downs and twists and turns.  In such cases we need to get off at the next return to the station, take a breather and recover our equilibrium... perhaps even reassess when and if to return.

As for your ex, real help for her would be for her to start meaningful therapy sessions to diligently apply the counsel in her life, perceptions and behavior.  BPD is a disorder of close emotional relationships.  She can't really listen to you due to her perception of the past baggage of the relationship.  A therapist or counselor knows to build a professional relationship of trust rather than an emotional one.

[Pook075]

I am bumping this because I need help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3060772.0

This post was very similar honestly. Does anyone have any ideas on how I could communicate to her and not convince her to come back but find a way to have positive dialogue?

I just re-read that entire post and honestly, he was a young guy that processed things in a very healthy way.  Better than most of us.

First, let me say welcome to the family.  Every single one of us arrived under the same circumstances that you found this site, so know that it's okay to not be okay.  We've all been there and had no idea where to turn.  It doesn't make any sense, because mental illness doesn't make sense.

I'll echo what Forever said, there's not a perfect person on this planet.  We all make mistakes, and we all mess up.  That's not what should define us though.  If you love someone, you forgive them and work through it together.

Let's dive into your post.  She's pulling and pushing, she can't make up her mind, and she says contradictory things all the time.  What's true and what's not?

Well, it's all true IN THE MOMENT.  Think about hitting your finger with a hammer.  It feels like the world is ending, the pain is extraordinary, yet ten minutes later most people have completely recovered from it.  BPD is a lot like that because the person's emotions are all over the place when they're unstable and they're lashing out due to emotional pain.

She loves you- that's true.  She hates you- that's true.  She's just being fully transparent in the moment depending on her feelings.  And feelings constantly change, so what she said 10 seconds ago could be a lie right now when she's in a highly emotional state.  Yet it was true when she actually said it.

Does that help or make things more confusing?

Let's move on.  What can you do?  That's the million dollar question.  You mentioned that she's living with your parents, which has to be awkward at the moment.  Will that change in the near future?  Because it would be very difficult to go no contact while also having a relationship with your parents.

Here's what would be helpful for you to learn.  If she's screaming or depressed or super excited or anything in-between, it's because her feelings are out of balance.  When you see this, it is not the time to talk about life decisions.  You can ask her if she wants to grab lunch or go see a movie when she's unbalanced, but you can't ask her to start dating again.  Make sense?  You save the "real" talks for when she's neither high or low, because that's when she's thinking more with logic and less with her emotions.

Second, when she's disordered (another way to say not her normal self), you're there to help her through the moment and get back to her normal baseline.  If she's sad, cheer her up.  If she's angry, calm her down.  This sounds ridiculous at first but you'd be amazed at what a difference it makes. 

For instance, if she accuses you of something that's not even close to being true, the natural reaction would be to defend yourself, to set things straight, to argue and demand an apology.  But for a BPD person, they're just releasing pent-up emotional energy and they aren't truly thinking about anything that's said.  That's why you don't fight back, you don't take it personal.  If she's mad, help her calm down.

If you want to give it one more try, then you must learn to communicate in a different way.  You must understand where her feelings and confusing words come from- it's mental illness and nothing more.  She's sick, she's unstable, and if you love her then you'll learn to understand what is actually going on within her mind.  It's heartbreaking, to be honest, and I can't imagine living my life with those types of destructive circular thought patterns.