My son and the strain on our family

[ammabear]

I found this forum hoping to get some insight and help.
My udBPDson is 18 and we have been dealing with his behaviors since he was a toddler about 4 or 5.
I have been a stay at home mom since he was born. I left my career to stay home with my then 5 children.
He had an appointment this week to start the intake process to get assessed and start seeing a psychiatrist to get the help HE asked for. After splitting on me Sunday evening so bad my husband had to restrain him, then had me call the cops. My son blames me for calling them and getting them involved, he keeps ruminating on what one cop told him and us. That if needed they would have to 5150 him. After they saw he was calm and he played it off that he would be better, he later came out of his room and proceeded to continue his verbal barrage and I just left him to be with his own thoughts. Fast forward he refused to go to the scheduled intake this week and cut me off essentially. I told him I love him and hope he does the right thing for himself.
He had not eaten till today, only drinking water and some chips.
So here goes. 
There were times when my udBPDson’s behaviors were so over the top, talking to him, warning him, time outs, consequences, etc. would not work. I still carry immense guilt for not responding to him as I should have, and I didn’t know, all the time that I had to go into therapy myself to gather as much information as I could to get a grip on how I was responding to him and parenting him. I walked with a huge burden eating at me that I was a horrible mom.
We tried putting him in sports, baseball. He threw the bat at the coach and kicked his grandfather, we were told not to take him back. We tried martial arts with a great instructor/mentor and that was a flop. We tried PE classes and he would bully the other boys, we tried martial arts again and the last time, he stayed in the car (while his brother went in) verbally raging at me. That was the last time I was going to waste time, money and effort. He is bigger and stronger than me and yet he menaces me, when he feels safe to do so.

From my knowledge he was never abused or mistreated by anyone other than my meltdowns for his actions when he was younger. Dad was in and out being the disciplinarian, because he worked so much, that is a whole other story. My son would get in trouble, especially when it was malicious or vindictive towards smaller cousins and children, family and friends would accuse me of not loving him enough. I would try harder and buy parenting book after book, if I could only find the right one. I wanted to show him I loved him and others that what they accused me of was way off base.
There were times he was a sweetheart and felt bad for acting up. I had nothing but forgiveness and hugs for him.
He was struggling to read, attention seeking and hyper all the time, that I requested his charter school do a battery of testing before he went into middle school. It was through that that I started seeing a pattern, he was extremely intelligent in some areas and below average in others. The school ended up giving him an IEP for a variety of reasons adhd, OT, and dyslexia.
Out of all my children he was the one that would push, provoke, instigate and rage on me or his siblings, sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes it was jealousy, or a perceived injustice, or he felt he wasn’t loved. We tried putting him in a hybrid school and he ended up getting bullied.
We felt that that was not a good environment since the teachers were ignoring it.

His middle school years were hard but he learned to read and actually excelled our expectations.
While he would do good in some areas academically, he would be looking at things on his school computer that he would get in trouble for constantly or he would just want to play video games and his grades slipped. This became a huge area of contention for us. 
His teachers would call me and I would have to meet with them in person, not my husband.
My son took this as I was the bad one because I would get angry and embarrassed he was misbehaving around computers any chance he took. It later became that it didn’t matter whose computer it was he would sneak around, get caught and I was always told about the content and what I needed to do.

 
His teen years have been a nightmare and I desperately was trying to get help for him throughout, he has been in and out of therapy since he was 10. There are times he has clarity of mind and is exact in explaining all his follies and shortcomings. He can describe to me what he is feeling and how hurt he feels inside and what a failure he feels like, and how empty he feels. I hear him and tell him we will support him in any way we can. Then it turns to me that I have not done enough and I failed him.
He gets upset and then it is all over.

Because I knew about his misbehaving, in his mind I was the bad one, I didn’t understand.
We had to get him a phone with limited internet access and this was also a point of serious contention for him and we were bad awful parents for not trusting him and thinking the worst of him he would rage. He made promises he would be better and he would put it to good use. My husband got him a phone but it had to have a parental guard on it, well he then took it off and his grades slipped further and the addiction to video games grew out of control.

It seems as though I am the one he splits on most of the time. Now that he is an ‘adult’ we are trying to gather family to persuade him to get help. I have no power to make appointments or convince him and he tells me he hates me more than anyone else, that I am useless as a mom, and I ruined his life and everyone hates me. While other times he speaks about how he benefited from the way we schooled him. He didn’t start reading until we hired a specific tutor for dyslexia as the schools were slow to help. He has been angry with me for his learning struggles and refuses to see how much support we got for him.
He hates everything our faith, our choices, our beliefs, our family size, my sisters, my brother, some of his cousins, our home, where we live, where we go to church, who we are friends with, what we talk about, what our interests are, that I don’t work outside the home. 
We are a rather large family and our son falls in the middle. He has been loved, nurtured, supported, encouraged in every which way possible.
There is so much to our lifestyle but at the same time I made sure each and every one of my children have me when they need me, even now. My older adult children find comfort in my presence and I respect them as adults and we have a healthy relationship and boundaries.

My younger children are thoughtful and although not perfect by any stretch they truly are different than this one son. It breaks me because I really thought if I only nurtured and tried harder he wouldn’t be this way, he wouldn’t feel different.
Now I know better, the hardest and I am still learning is I had to learn not to take in his splits deep into my soul.
How I even found out about BPD was through my own therapist. However, one of my older daughter’s had mentioned it after he destroyed our house and especially her personal things 1 month before she was to be married, he was so upset with her over that. My father died last year, and was a whole other issue for me personally and during therapy sessions I would also mention my son because he was raging at me verbally like clockwork once a month even tho I was in the throes of grief. She urged me to have him assessed and we made the huge mistake of waiting and seeing if he would get better. Then we lost our private insurance because my husband lost his job.

We are moving out of our home and he is in his room on his bed playing video games all day. My husband barely has a relationship with him and doesn’t really ask much of him because he doesn’t want to deal with him coming after me as he does.
This has put a giant strain on our marriage and I am wanting out of the marriage because I feel so vulnerable to my son’s onslaught of abuse and my own perception that my husband does not do enough to protect me.
My son hates me with a seething passion and tells me so, but he won’t leave or do better for himself to be able to leave. His siblings kind of just gave up on him too since he is so mean and vulgar to them when he doesn’t like what they say or do amongst themselves. They walk on eggshells as we all do. For instance they can be playing a board game and he will start criticizing and bullying them for no reason.
Since my husband lost his job and we are moving so as to not lose the house, we have to move in with our oldest daughter while we find a smaller place. One condition my son in law and daughter rightly told him was that he had to actively get help or else he is not welcomed, but he refuses to get the help needed and we only have 2 weeks left here. Last thing he told me was that he is ok being homeless and worse.
He did not graduate on time and needs to make up credit. He is angry that he can’t find a job as well.
My post is not an essay, and it is not a well written. You get my point.
We need help.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

Ammabear,  I'm glad you are here.This is such a great place to grow and learn about bpd.  I'm fairly new myself - there are many who will be a support to you. They will share their stories and wisdom hard earned on what has worked for them in dealing with a pwbpd. My heart broke reading the hard road you had to walk over so many years. There is hope you can find peace for yourself and tools to help your son. There's a library on Forum with tools... you can research as well.
I am the main person my 45yr old son splits on. He has said so .many hateful things over the years. I absorbed those words and they crushed me. I continuelly tried to prove how much I loved him. That I wasn't selfish.. I was easily manipulated because of my fear and guilt. .I'm learning  those words are more about him and not me. I'm letting them roll off. Protect your heart. You are obviously a loving mom. I'm a person of faith too. That gives me the strength along with the wisdom and support here to live a good life in spite of my son's issues.

[CC43]

Hi Ammabear,

Welcome to the site.  I think here you'll find many parents who are in similar situations.  We know how hard it's been, and how frustrating too, because you've tried everything, and yet nothing seems to work.  Plus, living with BPD places enormous emotional, financial and physical strain on the entire family, and it can put pressure on your marriage, especially when you don't see eye to eye on what to do.  At the same time, parents are usually operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  The situation is so tense that parents need therapy as much as their pwBPD.

Maybe your son doesn't have a formal BPD diagnosis, as he's young.  Many people here don't have a proper diagnosis, and yet many of the behaviors you describe of your son sound like BPD.  It's also typical for pwBPD to have co-existing conditions, like ADHD, substance use disorder, addictions, anxiety and depression.

The good news is that your son is very young.  With the right therapy and commitment on his part, he could probably turn his life around.  The bad news is that right now, he's OK with the status quo, even if he's miserable.  He knows that if he has a meltdown, he'll be left alone to do what he wants, which is lie in his bed all day and play videogames.  Unfortunately, video games are so compelling these days that it's all he wants to do.  I think the female equivalent is scrolling through social media all night, which is what I experienced with the pwBPD in my life.  Both situations involve avoiding the stresses of the real world and retreating to a fake one.  In the short term, it feels great, because it's easy and fun.  But over time, what happens is that they miss out on formative experiences--school/college, work, relationships, independent living, hobbies, working on themselves--that provide purpose, structure and identity-building, which pwBPD need.  Deep down they know that, and over time I think they feel increasingly inferior and insecure.  The farther "behind" they fall relative to siblings and peers, the worse they feel.  To cope, they create a victim narrative and blame others, mainly parents, for all their woes.  They'll think, Of course I'm messed up, I had a terrible childhood, it's my parents' fault, they're horrible, I hate them.  I think the more they spew hatred and dredge up grievances from childhood, the more frightened they are about the future.  They are frightened because they don't really know who they are (except victim), or what they want, let alone how to make it happen.  They RESENT you for feeling so dependent on you.  And they think, their parents surely think they are a failure, so why not just live up to that expectation?

If there is one takeaway today, it's that BPD is not your fault, no matter how much your dear son tries to convince you otherwise.  Blaming you is just a deflection, as well as a way to push your buttons so that he gets concessions out of you (mainly freedom to lie in bed and play videogames).  He's also probably projecting his own insecurities onto you.  If you want to know what's bugging your son, I'd suggest reading between the lines of his projections.  Is he saying, "I'm an adult, I can do what I want, stop treating me like a baby!"?  To me that is code for, "I hate feeling like I'm still a little kid and I don't know how to grow up."  Is he saying, "You're lazy/ugly/manipulative/narcissistic/selfish, a horrible excuse for a human and you should be euthanized!"  That's code for how he thinks about himself.

Anyway, my opinion is that you probably need some boundaries.  For me, that would mean that all adults in the home need to be respectful, clean up after themselves and refrain from using illicit substances in the home.  In addition, adults can't be NEETT, short for Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  The pwBPD in my life was allowed to be NEETT (and nasty) for far too long in my home in my opinion.  She didn't feel the need to work--on herself or to earn any income--because she was content enough rotting in bed.  I think young adults should be 100% responsible for paying for their own luxuries, such as phones, computers, streaming services, Amazon account, etc.  Unless they are severely handicapped, I think adults should be able to earn some income, for example with dog walking, washing cars, doing yard work, babysitting or something.  If your son refuses to do any work, he can choose to go without his own screens, and that would be fine, it's his choice. 

[Pook075]

My son hates me with a seething passion and tells me so, but he won’t leave or do better for himself to be able to leave.

First of all, I want to welcome you to the family and say that I read your entire post.  I could have written it myself about my 27 year old BPD daughter; our experiences lined up very closely.  It started when she was around 5 and I knew we didn't have a "typical" child.  The anger, the resentment, the meanness and bullying.  I saw it probably a decade before anyone else.

Like you, I blamed myself, my wife, the school system...everyone really.  But I realize now that my daughter had to live her life, and all I could do was try to instill good morals and character in her.  Our younger daughter was fiercely bullied her entire life and she's now in therapy for it at 25.  Most of it she doesn't remember, which is probably a good thing.  Her mind literally blocked out the trauma.

I'll tell you how my younger daughter stopped getting bullied though- she punched her sister in the face and they ended up rolling around on the ground.  Eventually, the younger sister pinned my BPD kid and after several face slaps, she said that she wouldn't let her up until she stopped raging.  We though, oh boy...my older daughter is going to kill her for sure.  But the opposite happened and she was never bullied again.  My BPD daughter actually respected her younger sister after that.

For us as parents, the solution was nowhere near as easy and it was a huge learning curve as well.

What we eventually realized though was that we didn't have to accept the rage and manipulation.  She could be a participating member of our home or she could leave.  And she lived on the streets for about two years, bouncing from house to house since she'd always wear out her welcome.  I'd just repeat what I've always said- you're welcome here anytime if you'll help out around the house and respect others. 

She finally came home and we kicked her out a few weeks later since she felt "the rules" were unfair.  We're talking like rinse off your plate or put your candy wrappers and soda cans in the trash kind of stuff.  We would see rage over such a request.  So out she went for another period of time.

This may sound horrific and make us seem like terrible parents.  But we were doing what we were told to do- teach right from wrong.  Every decision was our daughter's; follow our simple rules or go your own way.  This wasn't about me at all, just like it isn't about you.  And all the blame you hear, that's the mental illness talking.  I've been called the devil, I've been called names I can't say here; you get the picture.

Finally, at around 23, our BPD daughter had a complete meltdown due to her own destructive patterns.  She was living with a girlfriend and decided that hitting on their mutual best friend was a good idea.  It wasn't and they confronted her.  She became suicidal and called me for help.

That day, we admitted her to an in-patient program just like we had dozen of times in the past.  But this time, she was so sick and tired of feeling the way she felt, that she actually wanted to change.  So she actually did the work, actually accepted that so much of the problem was her.

And do you know what she wrote on her intake form as the #1 goal she wanted to achieve?  To make her daddy proud so he'd love her again.

I was always the enemy, always the villian, and like you, I heard "I hate you 10x a day."  Yet my approval meant more than anything to her, and that's a big part of why I got the majority of her wrath.  Out of everyone she knew, I was the only one in her life that wouldn't back down no matter what.  If I said no ice cream until you finish your veggies, that's exactly what was going to happen.  If I said no going out with friends until your room is clean, same thing.  I refused to walk on eggshells because she had to learn right from wrong.  That's what everyone told us.

Maybe a year later, my BPD kid was a different person entirely.  She was still mentally ill, still struggled at times, but I became her ally instead of her enemy.  She finally got it, she finally understood, that dad was always on her side and doing the best he could in a really lousy situation.

Today at 27, my BPD kid holds a job, pays all her bills, and somewhat has it all together.  Again, she's not "cured" and there's times I'll still be told off over something I have nothing to do with.  That's pretty rare though and only happens a few times per year.  And I can live with that, I can overlook those moments when it's not a constant thing.

Looking back, if I was in your shoes and I had an 18 year old son with BPD that was raging, I would do the exact same thing all over again.  You're welcome to stay here forever if you follow two simple rules- be respectful and help out.  I would explain to him that he's making the choice, this is all about him.  I want him at home, but he's an adult that has to choose for himself.  Be kind and helpful here, or do whatever you want somewhere else. 

You must choose- there's no best of both worlds at this address.

What made my daughter "better" was being kicked out and forced to figure out the world on her own.  Why?  Two reasons.  #1, she learned to appreciate how good she had it at home, and how little she was being asked to do.  #2, being homeless forced her into some very uncomfortable situations that pushed her mental illness to their limits.  It helped her actually find her "rock bottom" and that's a fantastic thing for someone with BPD.  It's what made her realize so clearly that the problem was within and real change was necessary.

I can't tell you what to do at your home, but I will say that as long as you accept the entitlement, manipulation, and abuse, things will only continue to get worse.  You called the police because you had to call the police- do not accept any other narratives because they are lies.  He needs to learn there are consequences to his actions and he needs to be responsible for his decisions in life.

You say he can't work.  That's his problem, not yours.  He absolutely can work and he absolutely will work if he has no other choice.  But if staying at home playing video games is also an option, then he'll never work.  See what I mean?  These are all his concious decisions based on the life you're providing.  It must stop and you must stop it.